I tried.

I tried, I really did. It’s a goddamn pandemic; if there’s one time where the size of my thighs shouldn’t matter it’s now. I tried just eating whatever and not weighing myself. I tried to get back into exercise for the purpose of health rather than weight loss. I tried.

But now I’m just fat and miserable instead of (less fat) and miserable. Like I’ve legit gained ten pounds since quarantine started.

So I feel like I need to let ED back in. I need to go back to eating just two meals a day, no snacks, and scheduled exercise. I need to quit drinking during the week, stop eating carbs with reckless abandon, and not let my husband guilt me into eating as much as him. But I really don’t want to start puking again, so it’s super important that I stick with the restriction this time.

Why does this keep getting harder every time? I guess if I just stuck with it I wouldn’t have this issue. Ugh. I’m in my mid-30s and I’m dealing with the same shit – doing the same shit – as when I was 17. What a fucking failure I am.

Blobby blobby blob.

WFH was cool for about a week. I enjoy the “commute” and sleeping in (although my sleep itself has gone to shit).

But I can’t stop eating. I’m not even hungry – and I KNOW I’m not hungry – but I’m constantly looking for the shittiest food to shove in my face.

And now it’s not just ED – depression has returned with a fucking VENGEANCE. I’m lonely and have no motivation and am filled with self-loathing.

So I eat more, and don’t exercise at all, and I drink heavily – and then I feel worse and it’s a never ending cycle.

And I feel like I can’t even bitch because at least I have the privilege of being able to work from home and I’m not laid off, and neither I nor anyone in my family are sick, and I’m still objectively on the thinner side.

But I’ve gained ten pounds. And now I have plans to starve tomorrow, but I know it’s much more likely that I’ll end up binging instead.

Help.

I miss my ED

My doctor considers me “in recovery” at this point, b/c I’m only purging like once every other month or so. But I don’t feel recovered. In fact, every time I eat something that seems like a good recovery move – like letting myself eat Mac and cheese, or candy, or whatever – I just feel like a complete failure. Part of me feels like I’m failing my ED by giving in. Part of me feels like I’m failing myself by using recovery as an excuse to eat garbage. And then all of me just feels like a blob. I’m afraid to weigh myself but I know I’ve gained again; my fat pants are now fitting just fine and the rest of my pants are far too tight. I miss when starving was easy. Its like the saying goes, “I wish I was as fat as I was the first time I thought I was fat.” I understand that ED messed with my head and made me even more unhealthy than eating crap sometimes now and honestly made me a little bit crazy, but at least my fucking pants fit. I just … I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. Help me.

Blobby

I am such a gross blob. I’m also probably really unhealthy. I skip actual meals but stuff my face with Cheetos and candy. I never ever exercise. And I wonder why my body image is such shit??

I want to change. Obviously I want to lose weight but also I don’t want to end up with like diabetes or something like that. But ED has had me trapped in this binge-restrict-binge cycle for so long that I don’t know any other way of being.

I want to trust that my body will even out and my weight will stay stable bc even tho I won’t be restricting I also won’t be binging. But what if it doesn’t even out until I’ve gained 10-20lbs? Can I accept that as my new normal?? I honestly don’t think so.

But god how much more energy would I have if I was healthy and didn’t spend so much time obsessing about food and calories and weight.

Neverending

Right before class ended (actual class, not finals), I was down to my wedding weight. Now I’m terrified to get on the scale, so I don’t have an exact number, but even my fat pants are too tight so I’ve got to be up 10 lbs.

Luckily the new year starts next week and I go back to class, so hopefully I’ll be able to shed this weight in a month – it’s no longer holiday season so there won’t be that pressure to eat sweets constantly, and I can go back to black coffee for dinner instead of peppermint mocha lattes and all that (delicious) sugary holiday shit.

I wonder if my husband notices? Not that he’d have any right to say anything; he’s gained like 50 lbs in the decade we’ve been together. But does he see my love handles and pouchy belly and jiggly arms and bat wings? I know he’s not into fat chicks, but where does he draw that line? And how thin can I get before he starts to get on my case about eating? God I wish I was a mind-reader.

But anyway, the New Years’ weight loss plan is nothing new. My concern is what happens when the spring semester ends and I’m back home all the time again. Will I just gain it again and be fat until the fall? Will the cycle ever end? Can’t I just find a happy medium and stay there? I honestly feel like I maintained my weight better when I was b/p-ing every day; at least then the net intake was approximately consistent. Now I’m rarely puking (although I did this afternoon, after eating half a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies) but I’m either ingesting 5,000+ calories a day or I’m restricting to 800. This is not sustainable! But when the alternative (daily b/p-ing) is even more harmful, what do I do? I’d rather be sick than fat.

ED is so fucked up.

Triggers

So less than two hours after writing my last post I started to binge. So far it’s only been half a bag of chips and ⅔ a bag of Oreos, but I’m really fighting the urge to purge. Honestly I probably would have done it already except I have wet grout in my bathroom and I don’t want to fuck it up. 

But that’s not the point of this post. Well not in regards to this individual episode, anyway. But it got my thinking about what triggers this. How can I be totally fine one day and totally out of control the next? Or even within the course of a single day? So I thought I’d try to list my triggers. Here’s what I have so far:

1. Talking/writing/thinking about past behaviors
2. Eating one bad thing (starts the “fuck it” mentality)
3. When my husband is passed out drunk
4. Feeling overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to do
5. Feeling pressure to be perfect in all of said things (even tho the pressure only comes from myself)
6. Being bored 
7. Thinking about my weight/body size/shape
8. Being at home (lack of routine)
9. Visiting my parents/in-laws
10. Feeling lonely/sad/anxious
11. Knowing there’s junk in the house
12. Going grocery shopping 
13. Being hungry (and not wanting to be)
14. Being full 
15. Being thirsty
16. Knowing an event is coming up
17. Social gatherings 
18. Being cold/tired

Good grief, no wonder I can’t stop. 

Triggers

So less than two hours after writing my last post I started to binge. So far it’s only been half a bag of chips and ⅔ a bag of Oreos, but I’m really fighting the urge to purge. Honestly I probably would have done it already except I have wet grout in my bathroom and I don’t want to fuck it up. 

But that’s not the point of this post. Well not in regards to this individual episode, anyway. But it got my thinking about what triggers this. How can I be totally fine one day and totally out of control the next? Or even within the course of a single day? So I thought I’d try to list my triggers. Here’s what I have so far:

1. Talking/writing/thinking about past behaviors
2. Eating one bad thing (starts the “fuck it” mentality)
3. When my husband is passed out drunk
4. Feeling overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to do
5. Feeling pressure to be perfect in all of said things (even tho the pressure only comes from myself)
6. Being bored 
7. Thinking about my weight/body size/shape
8. Being at home (lack of routine)
9. Visiting my parents/in-laws
10. Feeling lonely/sad/anxious
11. Knowing there’s junk in the house
12. Going grocery shopping 
13. Being hungry (and not wanting to be)
14. Being full 
15. Being thirsty
16. Knowing an event is coming up
17. Social gatherings 
18. Being cold/tired

Good grief, no wonder I can’t stop. 

Triggers

So less than two hours after writing my last post I started to binge. So far it’s only been half a bag of chips and ⅔ a bag of Oreos, but I’m really fighting the urge to purge. Honestly I probably would have done it already except I have wet grout in my bathroom and I don’t want to fuck it up. 

But that’s not the point of this post. Well not in regards to this individual episode, anyway. But it got my thinking about what triggers this. How can I be totally fine one day and totally out of control the next? Or even within the course of a single day? So I thought I’d try to list my triggers. Here’s what I have so far:

1. Talking/writing/thinking about past behaviors
2. Eating one bad thing (starts the “fuck it” mentality)
3. When my husband is passed out drunk
4. Feeling overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to do
5. Feeling pressure to be perfect in all of said things (even tho the pressure only comes from myself)
6. Being bored 
7. Thinking about my weight/body size/shape
8. Being at home (lack of routine)
9. Visiting my parents/in-laws
10. Feeling lonely/sad/anxious
11. Knowing there’s junk in the house
12. Going grocery shopping 
13. Being hungry (and not wanting to be)
14. Being full 
15. Being thirsty
16. Knowing an event is coming up
17. Social gatherings 
18. Being cold/tired

Good grief, no wonder I can’t stop. 

I’m sad.

I had a relapse the other day – full on b/p, like the old days. Donuts, chips, crackers, chocolates, really anything I could get my hands on. I was trying to figure out what triggered it, but all I can come up with is that I’m just sad. In general, all the time. I miss my bestie who moved across the country. I feel overwhelmed by school, and pressure to be perfect there. My general anxiety has increased to the point where I’m always convinced people are talking about me or mad at me or don’t like me. It gets dark early now so I almost never see the sun. B/p-ing is a way to distract from all of that, and on some level it gives me something to blame for my failures other than myself.

I think I need to up my medication. But I don’t like my new doctor. My old psychiatrist moved across the country, so I had to stop seeing her after like seven years together. This new one is older, and spent our whole first appointment looking at the computer screen and typing very formulaic info about me (that I can clearly see). I don’t feel like I can open up to her, or like she gives a shit anyway. She’s a little overweight and I feel like she doesn’t take my body dysmorphia issues seriously, like she’s thinking “this skinny bitch has no right to complain about feeling fat.” But maybe she’ll understand anxiety at least.

I wish I could move across the country w/ my bestie; it’s warm and sunny there all the time.

Relapse. Again.

So all week I’ve been stuck in the binge cycle, finally culminating with a purge last night. Then today I’ve been eating shit again, and tomorrow I’m going to the beach and will have to be in a bikini hating myself. I don’t understand why I can’t quit this shit. Why can’t I stop eating before I’m uncomfortably full? Why am I so drawn to all the worst shit? Why do I keep buying binge food and keeping it in the house when I fucking know better? And why is starving the next day the only solution that seems reasonable to my fucked-up brain? Logically I know that doesn’t help. I know it likely is a strong contributor to my binging behavior. Why is ED able to override my logical side EVERY TIME??