I am such a gross blob. I’m also probably really unhealthy. I skip actual meals but stuff my face with Cheetos and candy. I never ever exercise. And I wonder why my body image is such shit??
I want to change. Obviously I want to lose weight but also I don’t want to end up with like diabetes or something like that. But ED has had me trapped in this binge-restrict-binge cycle for so long that I don’t know any other way of being.
I want to trust that my body will even out and my weight will stay stable bc even tho I won’t be restricting I also won’t be binging. But what if it doesn’t even out until I’ve gained 10-20lbs? Can I accept that as my new normal?? I honestly don’t think so.
But god how much more energy would I have if I was healthy and didn’t spend so much time obsessing about food and calories and weight.
It makes me feel shitty. Never once have I finished a bag of candy and thought, “gee I feel great.” I usually want to puke, but purging candy is a lost cause. I feel like a fat cow. I get bloated and thirsty. It sets me up for more overeating. It makes me fat. It makes me feel out of control. It makes me feel weak. It makes me tired. It makes me too full for healthy food. It gives me zits. It makes me depressed.
Hopefully if I can just remember these reasons I’ll be able to stop eating this shit.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the costumes and the spookiness and the macabre aspect of it. I love dressing up and going to parties where everyone else is dressed up too. However, I hate that I’m CONSTANTLY surrounded by candy. At work, at home, at parties, at the store, etc. Candy has always been a major trigger food for me, and eating just one or two pieces is EXTREMELY hard. And unfortunately the problem only gets worse as the days go on – everyone is trying to get rid of the candy, whether it’s moms trying to get their kids candy out of the house so they don’t eat it or stores selling their leftovers at crazy discounts to make room for next season’s colorful confections. I’m actually glad I’ve been so enormously busy and stressed out at work – no time for snacking or even lunch, so that balances out the candy I eat in the evening.
Actually, I take my title back. I don’t just hate Halloween. I hate the entire season from mid-October to mid-April.