Tag Archives: uncomfortable

I hate thanksgiving

I try to enjoy it; I really do. I even start to feel festive by the time I wake up thanksgiving morning. Unfortunately, by the time I’m laying in bed that night, as now, I loathe both the holiday and myself. Why can’t I just eat a normal meal? Why do I get full so quickly on actual food but then have seven desserts? (Literally, seven.) I have zero desire to eat tomorrow and hope I can get to at least dinner without doing so. Thank goodness it’s back to a regular schedule next week and I can heavily restrict three days and at least skip lunch the other two. Also, I’ve got to get more exercise. My thighs are so squishy it’s horrifying. My sister got gastric bypass surgery recently so she gets full quickly and “can’t” eat dessert or other simple carbs. I wish bring morbidly obese wasn’t a requirement to get that. I need it as prevention, to physically stop me from stuffing my face whenever there’s food around. I was watching a drug documentary when I got home tonight and honestly for like an hour I was wishing I was still a drug addict so I’d be obsessing about that instead of just food all the time. My sister’s bestie is super tall and thin and is on the ketogenic diet, which everyone accepts for some reason. I stopped eating meat a decade ago with no issue; maybe I just need to start telling everyone I don’t eat sugar or something so the fear of being called out will keep me accountable. Hmm…

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Triggers

So less than two hours after writing my last post I started to binge. So far it’s only been half a bag of chips and ⅔ a bag of Oreos, but I’m really fighting the urge to purge. Honestly I probably would have done it already except I have wet grout in my bathroom and I don’t want to fuck it up. 

But that’s not the point of this post. Well not in regards to this individual episode, anyway. But it got my thinking about what triggers this. How can I be totally fine one day and totally out of control the next? Or even within the course of a single day? So I thought I’d try to list my triggers. Here’s what I have so far:

  1. Talking/writing/thinking about past behaviors
  2. Eating one bad thing (starts the “fuck it” mentality)
  3. When my husband is passed out drunk
  4. Feeling overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to do
  5. Feeling pressure to be perfect in all of said things (even tho the pressure only comes from myself)
  6. Being bored 
  7. Thinking about my weight/body size/shape
  8. Being at home (lack of routine)
  9. Visiting my parents/in-laws
  10. Feeling lonely/sad/anxious
  11. Knowing there’s junk in the house
  12. Going grocery shopping 
  13. Being hungry (and not wanting to be)
  14. Being full 
  15. Being thirsty
  16. Knowing an event is coming up
  17. Social gatherings 
  18. Being cold/tired

Good grief, no wonder I can’t stop. 

Triggers

So less than two hours after writing my last post I started to binge. So far it’s only been half a bag of chips and ⅔ a bag of Oreos, but I’m really fighting the urge to purge. Honestly I probably would have done it already except I have wet grout in my bathroom and I don’t want to fuck it up. 

But that’s not the point of this post. Well not in regards to this individual episode, anyway. But it got my thinking about what triggers this. How can I be totally fine one day and totally out of control the next? Or even within the course of a single day? So I thought I’d try to list my triggers. Here’s what I have so far:

  1. Talking/writing/thinking about past behaviors
  2. Eating one bad thing (starts the “fuck it” mentality)
  3. When my husband is passed out drunk
  4. Feeling overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to do
  5. Feeling pressure to be perfect in all of said things (even tho the pressure only comes from myself)
  6. Being bored 
  7. Thinking about my weight/body size/shape
  8. Being at home (lack of routine)
  9. Visiting my parents/in-laws
  10. Feeling lonely/sad/anxious
  11. Knowing there’s junk in the house
  12. Going grocery shopping 
  13. Being hungry (and not wanting to be)
  14. Being full 
  15. Being thirsty
  16. Knowing an event is coming up
  17. Social gatherings 
  18. Being cold/tired

Good grief, no wonder I can’t stop. 

Triggers

So less than two hours after writing my last post I started to binge. So far it’s only been half a bag of chips and ⅔ a bag of Oreos, but I’m really fighting the urge to purge. Honestly I probably would have done it already except I have wet grout in my bathroom and I don’t want to fuck it up. 

But that’s not the point of this post. Well not in regards to this individual episode, anyway. But it got my thinking about what triggers this. How can I be totally fine one day and totally out of control the next? Or even within the course of a single day? So I thought I’d try to list my triggers. Here’s what I have so far:

  1. Talking/writing/thinking about past behaviors
  2. Eating one bad thing (starts the “fuck it” mentality)
  3. When my husband is passed out drunk
  4. Feeling overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to do
  5. Feeling pressure to be perfect in all of said things (even tho the pressure only comes from myself)
  6. Being bored 
  7. Thinking about my weight/body size/shape
  8. Being at home (lack of routine)
  9. Visiting my parents/in-laws
  10. Feeling lonely/sad/anxious
  11. Knowing there’s junk in the house
  12. Going grocery shopping 
  13. Being hungry (and not wanting to be)
  14. Being full 
  15. Being thirsty
  16. Knowing an event is coming up
  17. Social gatherings 
  18. Being cold/tired

Good grief, no wonder I can’t stop. 

I’m too old for this shit

After like seven years together, my shrink is moving to St. Louis. She wants me to get set up with someone new before our last appt next month. But I don’t want to. I’ve been doing this shit for half my life, and I am fucking tired of it. I’m so goddamn tired of caring so much about the numbers on the scale and on my pants. I am so goddamn tired of my self esteem being inversely correlated to the number of calories I eat each day. I’ll begrudgingly call my PCP’s office and ask for a referral a few days before I see my shrink for the last time only because I need someone to keep writing my prescriptions. But I don’t want to start over working through my issues. I don’t want to start over trying to be happy when it’s February and I haven’t seen the sun in a week and I’m eating a pint of Ben & Jerry’s for lunch. I just want to be a fucking normal 30 year old. I’m too old for this shit. 

Science

I often wonder if scientific exploration of EDs do more harm than good. Like I know I sometimes exhibit traits of Aspergers, but getting an actual diagnosis of an intellectual disorder like that would cause my self esteem to plummet. I need to think I’m normal with some minor issues; anything else sends me into a spiral of hopelessness. I often imagine my “normal” coworkers talking about my craziness and it makes me want to be more stringent in my eating so as to at least have control over something in my life. I actually bought diet pills the other day in the hopes of losing 5-10 lbs – hoping that if I can at least get my weight on track I can play like I have my life on track. I don’t know how to get out of this spiral. Help?

Sugar is bad

It makes me feel shitty. Never once have I finished a bag of candy and thought, “gee I feel great.” I usually want to puke, but purging candy is a lost cause. I feel like a fat cow. I get bloated and thirsty. It sets me up for more overeating. It makes me fat. It makes me feel out of control. It makes me feel weak. It makes me tired. It makes me too full for healthy food. It gives me zits. It makes me depressed. 

Hopefully if I can just remember these reasons I’ll be able to stop eating this shit.