Tag Archives: hope


I am such a gross blob. I’m also probably really unhealthy. I skip actual meals but stuff my face with Cheetos and candy. I never ever exercise. And I wonder why my body image is such shit??

I want to change. Obviously I want to lose weight but also I don’t want to end up with like diabetes or something like that. But ED has had me trapped in this binge-restrict-binge cycle for so long that I don’t know any other way of being.

I want to trust that my body will even out and my weight will stay stable bc even tho I won’t be restricting I also won’t be binging. But what if it doesn’t even out until I’ve gained 10-20lbs? Can I accept that as my new normal?? I honestly don’t think so.

But god how much more energy would I have if I was healthy and didn’t spend so much time obsessing about food and calories and weight.

Maybe I can start over

We’re only a little over two weeks into the new year; maybe it’s not too late to save my resolution or goal or whatever I called it. I’ve gone running exactly once since 2015 started, and have eaten bags and bags of candy and other junk.

I have excuses of course; the temp has been in the single digits every morning and I’ve had a wicked cold. But the bottom line is I just haven’t been trying. I could have done some sort of indoor workout; I could have chosen fruit and tea over candy and chips.

It all cumulated today when I ate a whole large pizza and hot chocolate for breakfast and then purged. I can’t keep doing this.

It’s freezing cold again today, but once I’m done writing this I’m going to do at least 15 mins of strength training here in the living room. I tried to restart my morning by having a healthy breakfast of multigrain Cheerios and black coffee; I’m not going to continue b/p-ing for the rest of the day like I’m tempted to do.

This coming week is supposed to be warmer; I’ll be setting my alarm again for morning runs. I’ll go to the grocery store in the next day or two to get healthy foods for regular meal-planning and whatnot.

I refuse to give up on my dream of finally beating ED. It’s not giving me my dream body; it’s not helping me accomplish anything. I want to run another 5K this spring, and pass the police fitness test, and look and feel amazing at the million weddings I’m in this year. I want to set a positive example for the hubs who really does need to lose weight and get healthy. I can’t do any of that while sitting on my ass, binging, and purging.

I want 2015 to be the year I can finally feel normal.


As the saying goes, “if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” So what is my plan?

My goals for this year are:
1) to improve my fitness and become more toned
2) to reduce my consumption of proceeded foods, especially refined sugar
3) to focus less on what others may or may not think of me and do what makes me happiest
4) to become more mindful in all areas of my life
5) be more organized and productive

And here are my plans for doing them:
Goal #1: commit to running at least three days a week, even if only for 20 mins; spend 5-10 mins strength training most days of the week; go for a 20-min walk during my lunch break most weekdays
Goal #2: stop buying so much crap, and buy more fruits and vegetables instead; plan my lunch and snacks in advance so as to avoid impulse-buying junk food; curb nighttime snack cravings by drinking tea
Goal #3: buy some more flattering clothing and get rid of the things that make me feel self-conscious or uncomfortable; spend less money on makeup and more on moisturizer; go back to reading actual books instead of spending hours on social media; allow myself to actually take breaks during the day; stop committing to appointments/events I don’t really want to do
Goal #4: set reminders during the day to check posture and stretch; pay attention to hunger and fullness cues; think before speaking; avoid excessive alcohol/medication/food consumption and just sit with my feelings
Goal #5: develop system for sorting clutter and go through it on a weekly basis; throw away/donate things that haven’t been used in over a year; clean up messes as they happen; create chore schedule

I’m sure there are other goals I have and plans I’ll make, but this seems like a good starting point. Any other suggestions?


Every year for the past decade my new year’s resolution has been to lose weight. If it had to do with recovery at all it was just to stop binging so I could lose weight. Well in honor of ED’s 10th birthday (sometime in spring 2015), I’m going to make a different resolution this year.

I resolve to be healthy.

That means no more binging, but also no more restricting. That means more exercise and less sitting on my ass. That means less processed junk and more fruits and veg.

Recovery doesn’t need to mean getting fat. I don’t know my weight right now bc I’m terrified to get on the scale, but I’d estimate it’s back to my normal 122. Which the disordered side of me thinks is way too high but the recovery side of me knows is a healthy weight; it’s even on the low side of what a healthy range for my height and frame would be. It’s a maintainable weight. And who knows, maybe by eating less shit and doing more exercise I’ll lose some body fat and think 122 is skinny.

I will not be defined by a number or ruled by food. Food should be fuel for my body and nothing more.

Of course, it’s going to be 36 and rainy in the morning, so running won’t happen, but maybe I will do some yoga in the evening or something. And I’ll eat my fruit instead of candy.