I am such a gross blob. I’m also probably really unhealthy. I skip actual meals but stuff my face with Cheetos and candy. I never ever exercise. And I wonder why my body image is such shit??
I want to change. Obviously I want to lose weight but also I don’t want to end up with like diabetes or something like that. But ED has had me trapped in this binge-restrict-binge cycle for so long that I don’t know any other way of being.
I want to trust that my body will even out and my weight will stay stable bc even tho I won’t be restricting I also won’t be binging. But what if it doesn’t even out until I’ve gained 10-20lbs? Can I accept that as my new normal?? I honestly don’t think so.
But god how much more energy would I have if I was healthy and didn’t spend so much time obsessing about food and calories and weight.
The week before my period is the worst time for my ED. All I want to do is eat crap all the time, and the fatigue makes me not want to work out at all. And then all the crap I eat makes me especially bloated because I’m retaining water, and so by the end of the week I feel like a giant whale. Which in turn just makes me want to eat more because my ED tells me drowning my sorrows in carbs will make me feel better – until it makes me feel worse and I need to starve or purge.
May 1st is a month until my wedding, so no pressure there. However, I think having a distinct time frame in which I need to cut out all the crap will be helpful – if I want to eat something I can tell myself I can have it at the end of the month (and hopefully by then I won’t want it!). My runs are getting longer, but that’s kind of a double-edged sword – it burns calories and boosts my mood, but it makes me so goddamn hungry.
But I’m also done with school next week! So hopefully the removal of that stress will help with the stress-eating a bit at least. I just want to lose five pounds of fat. I was originally aiming for 110, but I’ve come to the realization that that weight is maybe a little too low and won’t be long-term sustainable. So 115 sounds like a nice goal. I just want to be a little less squishy, a little more defined. Is that so much to ask?
As the saying goes, “if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” So what is my plan?
My goals for this year are:
1) to improve my fitness and become more toned
2) to reduce my consumption of proceeded foods, especially refined sugar
3) to focus less on what others may or may not think of me and do what makes me happiest
4) to become more mindful in all areas of my life
5) be more organized and productive
And here are my plans for doing them:
Goal #1: commit to running at least three days a week, even if only for 20 mins; spend 5-10 mins strength training most days of the week; go for a 20-min walk during my lunch break most weekdays
Goal #2: stop buying so much crap, and buy more fruits and vegetables instead; plan my lunch and snacks in advance so as to avoid impulse-buying junk food; curb nighttime snack cravings by drinking tea
Goal #3: buy some more flattering clothing and get rid of the things that make me feel self-conscious or uncomfortable; spend less money on makeup and more on moisturizer; go back to reading actual books instead of spending hours on social media; allow myself to actually take breaks during the day; stop committing to appointments/events I don’t really want to do
Goal #4: set reminders during the day to check posture and stretch; pay attention to hunger and fullness cues; think before speaking; avoid excessive alcohol/medication/food consumption and just sit with my feelings
Goal #5: develop system for sorting clutter and go through it on a weekly basis; throw away/donate things that haven’t been used in over a year; clean up messes as they happen; create chore schedule
I’m sure there are other goals I have and plans I’ll make, but this seems like a good starting point. Any other suggestions?