Right before class ended (actual class, not finals), I was down to my wedding weight. Now I’m terrified to get on the scale, so I don’t have an exact number, but even my fat pants are too tight so I’ve got to be up 10 lbs.
Luckily the new year starts next week and I go back to class, so hopefully I’ll be able to shed this weight in a month – it’s no longer holiday season so there won’t be that pressure to eat sweets constantly, and I can go back to black coffee for dinner instead of peppermint mocha lattes and all that (delicious) sugary holiday shit.
I wonder if my husband notices? Not that he’d have any right to say anything; he’s gained like 50 lbs in the decade we’ve been together. But does he see my love handles and pouchy belly and jiggly arms and bat wings? I know he’s not into fat chicks, but where does he draw that line? And how thin can I get before he starts to get on my case about eating? God I wish I was a mind-reader.
But anyway, the New Years’ weight loss plan is nothing new. My concern is what happens when the spring semester ends and I’m back home all the time again. Will I just gain it again and be fat until the fall? Will the cycle ever end? Can’t I just find a happy medium and stay there? I honestly feel like I maintained my weight better when I was b/p-ing every day; at least then the net intake was approximately consistent. Now I’m rarely puking (although I did this afternoon, after eating half a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies) but I’m either ingesting 5,000+ calories a day or I’m restricting to 800. This is not sustainable! But when the alternative (daily b/p-ing) is even more harmful, what do I do? I’d rather be sick than fat.
ED is so fucked up.
I got tired of writing about all the plans I was making that I never kept, of all the supposed insights I was having that never actually lead to any changes. But now it’s 15 days into the new year and I finally feel like I’m making progress, beyond just numbers on a scale, so I felt like sharing.
This year, for the first year in over a decade, I didn’t make a New Years resolution to lose weight. Instead, I’m focusing on health – I resolved to eat less shit, workout more often, and watch less TV. And so far, I’m doing okay. I’m trying new workouts, like spinning and barre, and choosing not to buy junk snacks at the grocery store. I’ll admit I have slips – today I binged on a whole box of cookies and bag of chocolates – but the biggest accomplishment for me has been not giving up. I’m not quitting totally bc of my slip today; I’ll try again tomorrow.
I hate this time of year. At the same time that we’re all stuffing our face, we’re also being told how to jump start our weight loss for the new year. I refuse to weigh myself right now, but am afraid when I finally do on Jan 1 I’m going to see a number way too high and totally freak out. Of course some may argue that I don’t need to weigh myself at all, but I also know that numbers can keep this shit from getting totally out of control – and also sometimes be reassuring when the 10 pounds I’m sure I gained turn out to only be two.
But anyway, I digress. My resolution for the new year is not actually going to be to lose 15 pounds or whatever like it usually is. I’m trying to focus on health, because I know I’m super unhealthy despite being a “healthy” weight. I don’t eat enough fruits and veggies, I don’t exercise enough, I eat too much sugar and simple carbohydrates, I spend too much time online and don’t get enough sleep. So I want to reverse all those things. I want my focus to be not eating all the junk, because I’m hoping I’ll naturally replace that with fruits and veg. Or maybe I’ll focus on eating more fruit and veg and that will naturally edge out the junk. We’ll see. I still want to get an elliptical, but I can’t justify spending the money right now. Maybe once we clean the basement and I have somewhere good to put it…
Of 2014. Thank god. I need a new start. The hubs’ resolution is to get back in shape, so it’ll be nice to have a partner motivating me to get out of bed the morning and go run. Also hoping there will be less shit in the house for me to binge on – my resolution is to stop buying candy any larger than a single serving.
I also want to resolve to focus less on fat and calories and focus more on clean eating and fitness. Wish me luck on that one – I know what I need to do, but after a decade of ED it’s hard to get ride of the all-or-nothing, good-or-bad way of thinking. For instance, I’m currently in “fuck it” mode and have pretty much eaten everything I can get my hands up. I finally weighed myself the other day; while I’m not telling my exact weight, I’m officially back in the 120s – after being 112 like six weeks ago. But I know if I want to lose the weight again and keep it off, I need to do it the healthy way and not by starving. That just seems so impossible.
Also resolving to look for a new job and apply to at least one each week. This place is killing me. Only one more semester of grad school, woohoo! Hopefully getting this degree will open up more doors for me. I’ve worked my ass off for this, so it had better be worth it!
Also resolving to procrastinate less, which I guess boils down to being more organized and less lazy. It’s weird; I’m so organized and on top of shit at work, but in real life I’m simultaneously all over the place and yet accomplishing nothing at all. Gotta work on that. Less Facebook, more real books.
And sleep. I’ve gotta get back on a normal schedule. I’m either sleeping way too much or not nearly enough and I think that’s impacting a lot of areas of my life. I need to set a firm bedtime of 10:30, at least during the week. So far I fail; it’s quarter after one in the morning. So I guess I’d better get on that.