I am such a gross blob. I’m also probably really unhealthy. I skip actual meals but stuff my face with Cheetos and candy. I never ever exercise. And I wonder why my body image is such shit??
I want to change. Obviously I want to lose weight but also I don’t want to end up with like diabetes or something like that. But ED has had me trapped in this binge-restrict-binge cycle for so long that I don’t know any other way of being.
I want to trust that my body will even out and my weight will stay stable bc even tho I won’t be restricting I also won’t be binging. But what if it doesn’t even out until I’ve gained 10-20lbs? Can I accept that as my new normal?? I honestly don’t think so.
But god how much more energy would I have if I was healthy and didn’t spend so much time obsessing about food and calories and weight.
so all week all I’ve done is eat shit and not workout. I’m terrified to get on the scale but I feel like I should know where I’m starting my “one month to go crash wedding diet.” The goal is not starvation – I still need to be able to train for my 10k – but rather to really seriously eat healthy. I will not buy any more candy and will snack on fruit instead of chips. I will eat more protein and less carbs. I will go to bed earlier so I can get up in the morning for my runs. I will do 10 side leg lifts, 20 squats, 10 push-ups, 10 barbell curls, and a 60 second plank every evening before bed.
So that’s the plan. But how many times have I made this plan and given up less than a week layer? I’m hoping having a set end date will be helpful – I can tell myself I can have something after the wedding, or sleep in after the wedding… And then hopefully by that time I’ll have gotten in the habit of being healthy and not want to binge or be so lazy.
My wedding dress came in last week, so I finally went and tried it on this morning. I was really not feeling so hot up to the appointment, as I’ve been eating like shit (and b/p-ing) and not exercising this week. But then I got there and tried on the dress and I felt beautiful. I looked tiny and lovely and kind of like a princess. I was looking in the store mirror and I couldn’t believe how little my waist looked. My collarbones were popping out on my shoulders, and even my arms seemed less jiggly. Of course, I could still feel the fat underneath the dress, but I had a moment where I was actually happy with my appearance.
Maybe it was seeing myself in a different light, or a different mirror – I get so used to just seeing all my problem areas in my bathroom or bedroom mirrors that perhaps the change in scenery allowed me to see the whole picture. Or maybe it was the dress, with its corseted waist and clever fabric alignment – and honestly, who doesn’t look pretty in a wedding dress? Or maybe – just maybe – I’m not the gross beast I think I am after all. Maybe.
So forget what I said yesterday; I ran today and yet I’ve still binged but didn’t purge. I feel like I’m just undoing all the hard work I’ve done in the past month, while simultaneously injuring myself through running harder than I’m ready for. So I’m doubly fucking myself.
I don’t understand why I’m doing this to myself. It’s usually that I binge after severe restriction, but I’ve been eating WAY too much lately – so there’s no overall deficit – and am still binging. Today my candy binge started after I’d already eaten breakfast AND lunch (about 350 cals each, so not abnormally small).
I think it’s at least partially stress. I’ve always been a stress-eater, and lately work has been absolutely insane and I’ve had no time for myself. When I’m home, I have grad school shit to do.
And the end goal? The eating-disordered side of me wants to look like this:
But the healthy side of me wants to look like this:
And I don’t know which one I want more.
I know I have to eat clean and work out to achieve the second group, and that the second ideal is the only one of the two that is sustainable and compatible with a happy life. But part of me just wants attention, just wants to be fucking special for once. There are lots of fit girls, but it’s the super skinny ones are the ones that get a double-take on the street. The one who has people walking on eggshells to please her instead of her having to please everyone else.
I don’t even know what I’m doing at this point.