Tag Archives: exercise

Blobby

I am such a gross blob. I’m also probably really unhealthy. I skip actual meals but stuff my face with Cheetos and candy. I never ever exercise. And I wonder why my body image is such shit??

I want to change. Obviously I want to lose weight but also I don’t want to end up with like diabetes or something like that. But ED has had me trapped in this binge-restrict-binge cycle for so long that I don’t know any other way of being.

I want to trust that my body will even out and my weight will stay stable bc even tho I won’t be restricting I also won’t be binging. But what if it doesn’t even out until I’ve gained 10-20lbs? Can I accept that as my new normal?? I honestly don’t think so.

But god how much more energy would I have if I was healthy and didn’t spend so much time obsessing about food and calories and weight.

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Am I too old for this?

Are EDs only for young girls? The educated part of me knows ED can strike any age, background, or gender, but my experience makes me think it’s something I can outgrow. The action part of it at least; I don’t know if the mental part will ever go away. But restricting and committing to exercise seemed so much easier 5-10 years ago. Now I can apparently only restrict until someone puts something yummy in front of me, and can only seem to exercise for 30 mins before boredom overwhelms me. But the mental part hasn’t gone away; I still feel like a fat whale most of the time and freak out whenever I step onto the scale. When I eat in public I’m like a bird, but when I eat at home I’m like a starving child. I feel so lost. I feel like a failure – both with ED, bc I can’t seem to do that properly, and as an adult, bc I can’t eat normally either. I’m applying for law school and honestly the most exciting part is the prospect of being able to skip dinner three nights a week. (Last time I was in school at night I lost 15 lbs pretty easily bc I wasn’t eating dinner or desert.)  I thought about writing about ED in my personal statement but I was afraid they’d think I was too fucked up to accept me. Ugh. I need to just approach this like the adult I allegedly am – stop buying shit I don’t want to eat. Unfortunately, that’s easier said than done. 

Scheming 

So I’m watching a BBC documentary on anorexia, and god I wish I could have that control back. My office has been loaded with candy for the past few weeks and it’s just been triggering binge after binge. But I’m not purging for the most part, so I’m just getting fat and feeling awful about myself. 

I know I’m crazy, and the point of all these documentaries is to show all the bad parts of EDs, but I’d rather have the bad parts that come with being skinny instead of the bad parts that come with being fat. 

So this weekend I’ll eat. I’ll finish up all the shit that’s already in my house, get rested up, and start fresh on Monday. But this time I’m making a plan, beyond just “eat less.” 

I realize that I’ve been not doing my AM workouts because they’re too intense; I don’t have the energy for Insanity at 6am. So I think I’ll go back to using my elliptical at least three times a week, and then I’ll do Insanity on the weekend when I’ve gotten to sleep in. 

I’ve also realized I’m eating way too much for breakfast most days. Although peanut butter is healthy fats, it’s still fat and is very calorically dense, and I eat it basically every day – without measuring 😞. So new breakfast plan is either bran flakes w/ milk (200), eggs (150), or an apple with a measured tablespoon of peanut butter (160).

I’ll probably just make it a rule to not eat at work; if I’m not eating then I can’t binge. If I do eat I’ll get a salad with no dressing (200-300), or have a protein bar (190).

Dinner is up to the mercy of what my husband cooks, unfortunately. It’s usually chicken cooked in olive oil and sautéed vegetables (400) but sometimes he’ll make pasta with turkey meatballs (600) so those days will be no-lunch days. 

The biggest thing I have to do is stop snacking. If I can just do that I should be able to keep it at or under 1000 calories no problem. 

I am aware that this is unhealthy. I am aware that restriction is not conducive to mental recovery. But sometimes I just don’t care. 

Also, why doesn’t the US use the metric system or stones? Those numbers are just so much smaller. 

Anxiety is a bitch 

So I’m waiting for the plumber (who’s late), which means I can’t go work out like I’d normally do on Saturday mornings. This is giving me massive anxiety. It’s weird because I don’t even work out every day (I’m much more likely to actually do it when I can’t just say “I’ll do it tomorrow”), but when I can’t do my scheduled days (Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday, in case you were wondering) I get really anxious. Like, I need to burn the calories right now omg! It’s weird. 

The Clen probably isn’t helping with the anxiety since it increases my heart rate, but at least I feel less hopeless about being fat forever. 

Progress?

So I was talking to my shrink the other day and I had a bit of a revelation. I realized that I’ve had a lot less anxiety over food and slightly less body image issues since I got back into working out regularly. So that’s good. 

The problem is when I don’t work out, everything comes back tenfold – all food gives me anxiety (will I burn these cals/carbs or will they just go to my ass?) and I feel huge. I’ve lost a couple pounds (literally; I lost two pounds) but am still way above my comfort zone (mentally for sure but also just my pants are still uncomfortably tight). I of course don’t want to stop at my original weight, either; I want to get 10lbs below. 

So I dunno; I guess the reduced anxiety is a step in the right direction. I just wish there wasn’t still so fucking far to go. 

Resolutions

I hate this time of year. At the same time that we’re all stuffing our face, we’re also being told how to jump start our weight loss for the new year. I refuse to weigh myself right now, but am afraid when I finally do on Jan 1 I’m going to see a number way too high and totally freak out. Of course some may argue that I don’t need to weigh myself at all, but I also know that numbers can keep this shit from getting totally out of control – and also sometimes be reassuring when the 10 pounds I’m sure I gained turn out to only be two. 

But anyway, I digress. My resolution for the new year is not actually going to be to lose 15 pounds or whatever like it usually is. I’m trying to focus on health, because I know I’m super unhealthy despite being a “healthy” weight. I don’t eat enough fruits and veggies, I don’t exercise enough, I eat too much sugar and simple carbohydrates, I spend too much time online and don’t get enough sleep. So I want to reverse all those things. I want my focus to be not eating all the junk, because I’m hoping I’ll naturally replace that with fruits and veg. Or maybe I’ll focus on eating more fruit and veg and that will naturally edge out the junk. We’ll see. I still want to get an elliptical, but I can’t justify spending the money right now. Maybe once we clean the basement and I have somewhere good to put it…

Insight 

So I leaned something on my trip to Europe – food doesn’t need to be a big deal. It’s a social event, it’s fuel – but it doesn’t need to be agonized over and certainly isn’t worth feeling guilty about. I was so proud of myself over there – I ate pasta, and cheese, and all sorts of “bad” things that usually would give me anxiety to have once a day, never mind at every meal. And for the most part, I felt okay. I was active most of the day, and enjoyed the whole experience instead of worrying about how many calories I was consuming. 

But now I’m back, and tonight I b/p’d on a pint of ice cream and a box of cookies. I’m realizing that I can be okay with my fear foods if they’re portioned for me, but if I’m left to my own devices I eat way too much and can’t sit with the fullness and have to get rid of it before my anxiety consumes me. I had ice cream and cookies in Europe, but I was served a small amount with no option to get more (aside from actually ordering another which would be way too humiliating to be a real option). Also, when I don’t have enough structure in my day, my default is to eat. I hardly snacked at all in Europe bc I was so busy, but now I’m back to thinking about eating every moment of the day. And I am incredibly lazy – I just cannot pry myself off the couch to go work out or anything, but exploring each city in Europe kept me walking for hours and loving it. 

I was happy for two weeks – aside from moving to Europe, how do I get that feeling back?