Tag Archives: restrict

Relapse

My husband has been out half the day so I’ve taken the opportunity to just binge and purge repeatedly. Girl Scout cookies, raw cookie dough, cold Chinese food, ice cream, etc. It wasn’t even pleasurable; it was frantic and hopeless. And I’ve since had soup (129), an apple (80), microwave popcorn (300), and a Snickers (150), which I haven’t purged any of but am certainly thinking about. 

I thought I was done with this, but I guess I can only binge so many days in a row before the need to purge becomes too strong. I need to stop eating junk is what I need to do. I made the stupid decision to buy a bunch of Cadbury cream eggs (160) the other day and had been eating them nonstop for two days prior. Hopefully I’m done for a while. I don’t really have any junk left in the house so as long as I don’t buy any at the store I should be okay. 

But of course now I feel like I need to restrict during the week. I’m certainly not planning on eating lunch, or at least not more than a fruit (80) and a string cheese(80), or maybe a nonfat latte (120). I’m not planning on having the oatmeal that had become routine; I’ll have a light English muffin (100) with maybe a tablespoon of pb (90) and sugar-free jam (10). Hopefully my husband feels like eating healthy this week and we can just have chicken (200) with veg (100-200, depending on the veg) for dinner. 

I just bought some more small-size clothes, so unless I want them to hang in my closet unworn (like half my closet already) I need to lose weight. Max 1200 cal/day until my birthday. Then I’ll be 30 and I’ll really have to commit to cutting the sugar for good if I don’t want to balloon up, so hopefully these next two weeks will help me get on the right track. We’ll see…

Cuz I’m never, ever, ever… Getting better?

I really am trying to recover. I’m working out moderately, eating at least three meals a day (actual meals, not a piece of fruit and Diet Coke like I used to do), and even allowing some “bad” foods into my diet. But it seems like I can only ever get three days in a row before I fuck up in some way – binging, restricting, over-exercising, not exercising at all, or, in the case of today, b/p-ing at work. And then that b/p lead to skipping my afternoon walk (or maybe skipping the walk lead to the b/p?) and continuing to be lazy and eat shit at home. I’m trying to shake it off and just get back on track tomorrow, but in the back of my head I’m like “oh I’m going to be out tomorrow evening I can restrict dinner and burn extra cals.” I don’t know how to break this cycle šŸ˜¦

I’ve been absentĀ 

But I have a reason. I started feeling like I had this persona I needed to maintain and it started to become too much pressure. Also I didn’t want to admit I failed. 

I gained eight pounds after my wedding, from just non-stop eating and no exercise. But I’ve since lost it and seem to have figured out a method of weight loss/control that works for me (and yes I know it’s not healthy but I’m trying here). I restrict and exercise all week and binge on the weekend. 

I feel like this wouldn’t be an issue if it wasn’t this time of year. We bought so much candy for halloween and then got no trick-or-treaters, so it’s been all candy all the time. And since I can’t eat just a little candy, it’s all or nothing. 

I have to wonder why my husband wanted to buy so much candy. We live on a dead-end street with like no kids; he can’t have thought we would really give it all out. I feel like he’s trying to sabotage my weight loss; like he knows I’m not going to eat a lot of normal food so he buys the one thing I’ll always binge on. 

But now the candy is gone (I ate most of the good stuff and am taking the rest to work tomorrow) and I can focus on restricting. We’re going to France in two weeks and I have to be skinny like those women. I’m hoping being there will help me get my shit under control – like they eat croissants and cheese and shit but still stay skinny bc obviously they eat small portions. I have two weeks; hopefully I can get thin enough to start and then maintain using their methods. 

This is stupid, right? They just had a terrorist attack and I’m admiring them for being thin and glamorous. I’m pathetic. 

Fitness

so I realized today that I have no idea how to be fit and healthy. I’m always either on a weight-loss diet, which leads to poor fitness performance, or I’m binging, which is not healthy. I’m still stuck in the mindset of running to burn calories instead of running to improve my physical fitness (and can’t seem to separate “fitness” from”thinness” either). I’m not trying to gain weight – I’m technically in the “normal” weight range, so I don’t need to either – but I can’t for the life of me figure out how to eat healthy without restricting and I know it’s interfering with my race training. But a junk-food diet also is impeding my progress , so I don’t know how to find my happy medium. Anyone had this issue before and have any advice? I’m hoping once I’m done with grad school (in one month!) I’ll stop stress-eating so much, but that doesn’t help with the restriction half. 

Metabolism

It’s amazing how the body reacts so quickly to a change in eating habits, positive or negative. The last couple weeks I was binging daily and was completely obsessed with thoughts of food. This week I finally broke the cycle – largely because I’d already eaten everything I would binge on and didn’t have anything left – and my mindset is completely different. I think I finally found the winning pattern for me; I’m not binging or restricting but just “dieting” like the rest of America, keeping it around 1200 cals. I have a low-sugar breakfast (usually either bran flakes and milk or an English muffin with peanut butter and sugar free preserves), then a banana for snack, then greek yogurt for lunch, then grapes for snack, then a single serving of dinner (generally chicken, veg, and wild rice), and some decaf tea later in the evening. I haven’t even thought about binging in four days, and yesterday I walked right by the candy isle and wasn’t even tempted. But I know as soon as I have that first bit of candy or other junk it’ll be all over and I’ll be back in the binge cycle. The only downside is I’m back to being cold all the time, but I guess that’s better then sweating like I was before. I just wish the fucking three feet of snow we have would go away so I could get back into running – it’s too dangerous to run in the road and the sidewalks are useless. But I guess one day at a time. Seriously considering buying a treadmill with my tax refund.

Huh.

So I guess everyone was right. I’ve eaten lunch the past two days and I haven’t wanted to binge at all. Either it’s bc I’m getting sick and my throat hurts, or binging really is a response to restricting and eating normally is the cure.

Or maybe both.

Regardless, gotta figure out what I’ll eat for lunch tomorrow. I need structure or I’ll just go buy a box of chocolates. Maybe chicken noodle soup; that sounds lovely.

All or nothing.

I always hear about this concept of “moderation,” but I can never seem to figure it out. I’m either starving or stuffing my face. I know I need to eat for muscle repair if I want to get fit, but I also want to lose weight and ED says I need to starve to do that. So I restrict all day and eat fried chicken tenders at night. I wish I could just manage three balanced meals… It doesn’t seem like it should be this hard.