The worst part about being a well-educated person with an ED is I know how goddamn stupid it is. I know that heavy restriction will eventually lead to binging and regaining the weight, and I know I’m losing mostly muscle and gaining mostly fat, and I know I’m probably less metabolically healthy than a lot of people with 40lbs on me, and I know eating 500cals of fat-free candy is actually worse than eating 800 cals of real food cooked in olive oil, and I know that purging won’t get rid of all the calories, but I can’t shake the need to engage in these behaviors. I understand that it’s not physically possible to gain 10lbs of actual fat overnight, but that doesn’t make me obsess over the possibility any less. I acknowledge that my weight is less than that of most Americans, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like the fattest personality in the room. And then I feel stupid and ridiculous because I know that I can educate myself all I want but it won’t matter because ED isn’t logical or rational and doesn’t care how smart I might be. Worse yet, I know that eventually ED will take my mind too because the brain doesn’t care what size my pants are if that means it doesn’t get the nutrition it needs, but ED is just the opposite.
It’s been a really weird day and it’s barely noon.
This morning I saw a post from a Facebook group I’m in, in which a woman asked if she would gain 10 lbs from her binge the night before. I immediately commented that 12 years of therapy has taught me that she will not, no matter what ED says. Then I had a low-carb breakfast and went on my way, feeling like maybe I was getting better after all.
Then I got to work. It’s one of my coworker’s birthdays, so there are cupcakes sitting in the middle of the office for us to just take. I was like, what the hell, I like cupcakes, and I had one. And then I felt shitty, physically. TBH, I’ve been restricting a lot lately and not eating any added sugar, so I think my body was just in shock. But I sat around feeling icky and eventually was like what the hell, let’s have another – that old black and white thinking kicking in, equating any “bad” food with a ruined day.
So then I’m sitting here feeling like a fat pig when one of my coworkers, who I had kind of a fling with 10 years ago, came up to say goodbye before he moves across the country. I’m not sure how to act and so it’s super awkward. Then he leaves and I’m feeling like I fucked that up, and combined with the cupcakes I couldn’t deal with my feelings anymore and decided to purge. But I couldn’t. I stood over that toilet jamming a pen into the back of my throat for at least five minutes and only got the tiniest little bit out. It’s like my body was desperately trying to hold onto the calories.
When I got back to my desk I realized that I probably just hadn’t had enough water today, which always makes purging difficult. So I drank some water. And now I have a stomach ache and would like to try to purge again but I decided to write this blog post instead. No promises that I won’t change my mind in 15 minutes, but it’s a start.
I was going to eat lunch today but I guess now that I’m full of cupcakes I can’t. I’m not going to stuff myself further; then I’ll definitely need to purge. Ironically, I’m sitting here thinking I’m gaining 5 lbs after two cupcakes, four hours after telling the woman on FB that she wouldn’t. What a hypocrite. At least I was able to make the connection between eating sugar and feeling shitty; maybe that’ll keep me from giving in to temptation next time. *sigh*
Right before class ended (actual class, not finals), I was down to my wedding weight. Now I’m terrified to get on the scale, so I don’t have an exact number, but even my fat pants are too tight so I’ve got to be up 10 lbs.
Luckily the new year starts next week and I go back to class, so hopefully I’ll be able to shed this weight in a month – it’s no longer holiday season so there won’t be that pressure to eat sweets constantly, and I can go back to black coffee for dinner instead of peppermint mocha lattes and all that (delicious) sugary holiday shit.
I wonder if my husband notices? Not that he’d have any right to say anything; he’s gained like 50 lbs in the decade we’ve been together. But does he see my love handles and pouchy belly and jiggly arms and bat wings? I know he’s not into fat chicks, but where does he draw that line? And how thin can I get before he starts to get on my case about eating? God I wish I was a mind-reader.
But anyway, the New Years’ weight loss plan is nothing new. My concern is what happens when the spring semester ends and I’m back home all the time again. Will I just gain it again and be fat until the fall? Will the cycle ever end? Can’t I just find a happy medium and stay there? I honestly feel like I maintained my weight better when I was b/p-ing every day; at least then the net intake was approximately consistent. Now I’m rarely puking (although I did this afternoon, after eating half a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies) but I’m either ingesting 5,000+ calories a day or I’m restricting to 800. This is not sustainable! But when the alternative (daily b/p-ing) is even more harmful, what do I do? I’d rather be sick than fat.
ED is so fucked up.
I started law school about six weeks ago, and I’ve lost five pounds. I know I didn’t do it in a healthy way; it’s mostly from restricting now that I’m not home for dinner three nights a week. However, part of that restriction has been just in the fact that I can’t sit around binging on the couch anymore, which I think might actually be a good thing. So I don’t know, it’s a mixed bag.
Anyway, last night we went to the grocery store to buy a few things for dinner, and I ended up impulse-buying a package of Twizzlers and some chips. So today I’m sitting around doing my reading and I ate half the chips and all of the Twizzlers. Interestingly enough, I’m not freaking out about the calories – although I am slightly disappointed in myself for continuing my streak of weekend overeating – because I know I can make up for it during the week. However, I forgot what an impact binging had on my mental state just physiologically. The massive sugar rush is making me dizzy and unable to focus, and the resulting crash is making me exhausted and unable to retain what I’m reading. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to notice the physical effects of binging and not just the psychological ones.
So I don’t know if this will be helpful going forward with not buying sugary snacks, or if it just means I’m not going to get anything done for the next four hours.
My husband has been out half the day so I’ve taken the opportunity to just binge and purge repeatedly. Girl Scout cookies, raw cookie dough, cold Chinese food, ice cream, etc. It wasn’t even pleasurable; it was frantic and hopeless. And I’ve since had soup (129), an apple (80), microwave popcorn (300), and a Snickers (150), which I haven’t purged any of but am certainly thinking about.
I thought I was done with this, but I guess I can only binge so many days in a row before the need to purge becomes too strong. I need to stop eating junk is what I need to do. I made the stupid decision to buy a bunch of Cadbury cream eggs (160) the other day and had been eating them nonstop for two days prior. Hopefully I’m done for a while. I don’t really have any junk left in the house so as long as I don’t buy any at the store I should be okay.
But of course now I feel like I need to restrict during the week. I’m certainly not planning on eating lunch, or at least not more than a fruit (80) and a string cheese(80), or maybe a nonfat latte (120). I’m not planning on having the oatmeal that had become routine; I’ll have a light English muffin (100) with maybe a tablespoon of pb (90) and sugar-free jam (10). Hopefully my husband feels like eating healthy this week and we can just have chicken (200) with veg (100-200, depending on the veg) for dinner.
I just bought some more small-size clothes, so unless I want them to hang in my closet unworn (like half my closet already) I need to lose weight. Max 1200 cal/day until my birthday. Then I’ll be 30 and I’ll really have to commit to cutting the sugar for good if I don’t want to balloon up, so hopefully these next two weeks will help me get on the right track. We’ll see…
I really am trying to recover. I’m working out moderately, eating at least three meals a day (actual meals, not a piece of fruit and Diet Coke like I used to do), and even allowing some “bad” foods into my diet. But it seems like I can only ever get three days in a row before I fuck up in some way – binging, restricting, over-exercising, not exercising at all, or, in the case of today, b/p-ing at work. And then that b/p lead to skipping my afternoon walk (or maybe skipping the walk lead to the b/p?) and continuing to be lazy and eat shit at home. I’m trying to shake it off and just get back on track tomorrow, but in the back of my head I’m like “oh I’m going to be out tomorrow evening I can restrict dinner and burn extra cals.” I don’t know how to break this cycle 😦
But I have a reason. I started feeling like I had this persona I needed to maintain and it started to become too much pressure. Also I didn’t want to admit I failed.
I gained eight pounds after my wedding, from just non-stop eating and no exercise. But I’ve since lost it and seem to have figured out a method of weight loss/control that works for me (and yes I know it’s not healthy but I’m trying here). I restrict and exercise all week and binge on the weekend.
I feel like this wouldn’t be an issue if it wasn’t this time of year. We bought so much candy for halloween and then got no trick-or-treaters, so it’s been all candy all the time. And since I can’t eat just a little candy, it’s all or nothing.
I have to wonder why my husband wanted to buy so much candy. We live on a dead-end street with like no kids; he can’t have thought we would really give it all out. I feel like he’s trying to sabotage my weight loss; like he knows I’m not going to eat a lot of normal food so he buys the one thing I’ll always binge on.
But now the candy is gone (I ate most of the good stuff and am taking the rest to work tomorrow) and I can focus on restricting. We’re going to France in two weeks and I have to be skinny like those women. I’m hoping being there will help me get my shit under control – like they eat croissants and cheese and shit but still stay skinny bc obviously they eat small portions. I have two weeks; hopefully I can get thin enough to start and then maintain using their methods.
This is stupid, right? They just had a terrorist attack and I’m admiring them for being thin and glamorous. I’m pathetic.