Just had an a-ha moment in regards to one reason why I binge. I’ve always known it has to do with feeling overwhelmed or out of control; it’s like a little way of saying “fuck you, I’ll eat all the things I’m not ‘supposed’ to eat just because I CAN.” But sometimes I don’t feel like that fits – I’m not doing anything really stressful; just sitting on the couch – until tonight when it clicked.
My husband is an alcoholic. We’ve had conversations and screaming matches, I’ve made graphs and bawled my eyes out, but nothing ever changes. And so I guess that aspect of my life is ALWAYS out of control, leading to random urges – urges that get irresistible when he’s passed out on the couch before 9pm. So tonight I binged on ice cream, chips, and bagels. I feel disgusted with myself both physically and mentally, but it’s slightly helpful to have figured out a piece of the puzzle.
So all week I’ve been stuck in the binge cycle, finally culminating with a purge last night. Then today I’ve been eating shit again, and tomorrow I’m going to the beach and will have to be in a bikini hating myself. I don’t understand why I can’t quit this shit. Why can’t I stop eating before I’m uncomfortably full? Why am I so drawn to all the worst shit? Why do I keep buying binge food and keeping it in the house when I fucking know better? And why is starving the next day the only solution that seems reasonable to my fucked-up brain? Logically I know that doesn’t help. I know it likely is a strong contributor to my binging behavior. Why is ED able to override my logical side EVERY TIME??
After like seven years together, my shrink is moving to St. Louis. She wants me to get set up with someone new before our last appt next month. But I don’t want to. I’ve been doing this shit for half my life, and I am fucking tired of it. I’m so goddamn tired of caring so much about the numbers on the scale and on my pants. I am so goddamn tired of my self esteem being inversely correlated to the number of calories I eat each day. I’ll begrudgingly call my PCP’s office and ask for a referral a few days before I see my shrink for the last time only because I need someone to keep writing my prescriptions. But I don’t want to start over working through my issues. I don’t want to start over trying to be happy when it’s February and I haven’t seen the sun in a week and I’m eating a pint of Ben & Jerry’s for lunch. I just want to be a fucking normal 30 year old. I’m too old for this shit.
I often wonder if scientific exploration of EDs do more harm than good. Like I know I sometimes exhibit traits of Aspergers, but getting an actual diagnosis of an intellectual disorder like that would cause my self esteem to plummet. I need to think I’m normal with some minor issues; anything else sends me into a spiral of hopelessness. I often imagine my “normal” coworkers talking about my craziness and it makes me want to be more stringent in my eating so as to at least have control over something in my life. I actually bought diet pills the other day in the hopes of losing 5-10 lbs – hoping that if I can at least get my weight on track I can play like I have my life on track. I don’t know how to get out of this spiral. Help?
It makes me feel shitty. Never once have I finished a bag of candy and thought, “gee I feel great.” I usually want to puke, but purging candy is a lost cause. I feel like a fat cow. I get bloated and thirsty. It sets me up for more overeating. It makes me fat. It makes me feel out of control. It makes me feel weak. It makes me tired. It makes me too full for healthy food. It gives me zits. It makes me depressed.
Hopefully if I can just remember these reasons I’ll be able to stop eating this shit.
I’m trying, I really am. I’m trying to eat healthy, from a variety of food groups and not too much junk. But rather than make me feel better, I’m practically crawling out of my skin. I feel fat, and ugly, and like no one likes me, and like I’m not that smart, and I’m definitely not special or interesting. So much of my life has been based around ED for so long, I don’t know what to do without it. And let’s be honest, I don’t necessarily give a shit about being “normal,” I just want to be thin.
I’ve been doing well. Like, working out fairly consistently, eating three meals and maybe a snack but all well-balanced, not eating massive amounts of junk, etc. But then yesterday (Friday – I don’t care that it’s technically 1am on Sunday now) I b/p-ed on a whole bag of peanut butter M&Ms at work, and today I just ate junk all day and only actually ate two meals. I also haven’t worked out since Tuesday or Wednesday. So okay two days won’t undo a whole weeks worth of progress right? Except I can already see it. My fingers are puffy, my stomach is bloated, my skin is breaking out, and of course I just feel huge and gross. Sometimes I almost wish I was back in my ED full-blown, like b/p every day multiple times bad, bc then at least then I’d know why I felt like shit, why I was miserable, why I couldn’t stick to a meal plan – I had ED to blame it all on. But now, I’m supposedly in recovery, and I still hate my body, I still want to cry half the time, I still obsess over food and can’t stop eating junk once I start, and I still struggle to wake up every morning. It’s like, what am I fighting so hard to get??