I’m trying, I really am. I’m trying to eat healthy, from a variety of food groups and not too much junk. But rather than make me feel better, I’m practically crawling out of my skin. I feel fat, and ugly, and like no one likes me, and like I’m not that smart, and I’m definitely not special or interesting. So much of my life has been based around ED for so long, I don’t know what to do without it. And let’s be honest, I don’t necessarily give a shit about being “normal,” I just want to be thin.
I’ve been doing well. Like, working out fairly consistently, eating three meals and maybe a snack but all well-balanced, not eating massive amounts of junk, etc. But then yesterday (Friday – I don’t care that it’s technically 1am on Sunday now) I b/p-ed on a whole bag of peanut butter M&Ms at work, and today I just ate junk all day and only actually ate two meals. I also haven’t worked out since Tuesday or Wednesday. So okay two days won’t undo a whole weeks worth of progress right? Except I can already see it. My fingers are puffy, my stomach is bloated, my skin is breaking out, and of course I just feel huge and gross. Sometimes I almost wish I was back in my ED full-blown, like b/p every day multiple times bad, bc then at least then I’d know why I felt like shit, why I was miserable, why I couldn’t stick to a meal plan – I had ED to blame it all on. But now, I’m supposedly in recovery, and I still hate my body, I still want to cry half the time, I still obsess over food and can’t stop eating junk once I start, and I still struggle to wake up every morning. It’s like, what am I fighting so hard to get??
I distinctly remamber sitting in a therapist’s office six years ago telling her if I could just get back down to 127lbs I think that would be perfect. I also remember being in my college dorm room 10 years ago (Jesus I’m old) seeing the scale hit 120lbs and being absolutely horrified at how fat I’d gotten. I remember when this all started 12 years ago; I’d hit 124lbs after losing some weight just due to general busyness and thought I looked fucking amazing. I remember when the scale got stuck at 111lbs and I cried because I thought I’d never get to be skinny.
Now I’m 127lbs and I feel like a fat slob. I think 124lbs would be okay but I’d really like to get back to 120lbs. I see old pics of myself st 110lbs and am able to acknowledge that maybe I was a little thin and at any rate that isn’t a sustainable weight for me long-term. I wonder what 17-year old me would think of me now. I know 19-year old me would think I was huge, and 22-year old me would think I was skinny. And of course 27-year old me would just wonder and despair at what happened, how I got stuck at this higher weight after remaining exactly 122lbs for the last four years.
I wish I could go back to that 16/17-year old mindset, where I rarely thought about calories, was active because it was fun rather than to burn off my food, and always thought I looked hot and obviously everyone wished they could fuck me. I wish I wasn’t so fixated on a number, didn’t care about buying a larger size, didn’t let my entire mood be dictated by how flat or not my stomach was. It almost doesn’t even matter that I rarely purge anymore; I’m still just as miserable as when I was b/p-ing 10 times a day. To all those who have supposedly recovered completely, how did you get past this mental shit??
Positive Mental Attitude. (What is that from? It’s driving me crazy.)
I’m trying anyway. I was thinking of throwing out my scale – it’s just making me feel worse about myself. I’ve been working out on the reg, I try to follow a 80/20 diet, and my pants are starting to fit again – I can even see some abs! But yet, my scale says I’m still fat, that I haven’t lost anything and have even gained a few lbs depending on when I’m comparing from.
So fuck that shit.
But at the same time, what if I do finally lose these stubborn 10 lbs? If I have no scale I’ll never know and I won’t get the satisfaction of seeming the number I want.
I’m sure I’m not the only one with this dilemma – how did you make the decision?
I’m starting to think it isn’t possible to be thin and healthy at the same time. I’ve been trying to eat balanced meals and allow treats and now I’m back gaining weight again. So I fucking give up. I’ll binge this week and starve next week. That’s the only way I ever maintained my weight before so fuck it. I have to think my mental health is just as if not more important than my physical health, and I’m about to have a goddamn breakdown if my clothes don’t start fitting again so there’s that. Whatever. Ugh. So frustrated.
Went out for drinks with my bestie tonight, who also has an ED, and of course eventually the convo turned to body image and weight. So we were talking about how we’ve both put on weight and all of a sudden she was like, “Even though you say you put on weight, you’re still the skinniest person I know,” and I had no idea what to say. I see us as the same size, but apparently she thinks I’m skinnier. And it made me wonder, which one of us is right? Does she see me as skinny be she feels big, or do I see me as bigger than I really am? What the hell do I actually look like?
So I was talking to my shrink the other day and I had a bit of a revelation. I realized that I’ve had a lot less anxiety over food and slightly less body image issues since I got back into working out regularly. So that’s good.
The problem is when I don’t work out, everything comes back tenfold – all food gives me anxiety (will I burn these cals/carbs or will they just go to my ass?) and I feel huge. I’ve lost a couple pounds (literally; I lost two pounds) but am still way above my comfort zone (mentally for sure but also just my pants are still uncomfortably tight). I of course don’t want to stop at my original weight, either; I want to get 10lbs below.
So I dunno; I guess the reduced anxiety is a step in the right direction. I just wish there wasn’t still so fucking far to go.