so it’s thanksgiving.
i tried not to care about food. Really, for the past few weeks I’ve been trying not to care. Ive been eating all the sweets, the snacks, the comfort foods. I’ve been trying to tell myself that it’s just ED telling me my pants are getting tighter, my belly rounder, my cheeks squishier. I almost believed my lies. Almost.
but then, thanksgiving. Dinner itself was NBD, but dessert – that has always been the root of all evils for me. we were at his parents, so i tried to distract myself with wine. But in the end I gave in and ate. And ate. And ate. Then we came home, and i ate some more. And some more. And then more – even things I don’t like, just whatever I could get my hands on.
I ate until i was nauseous, and right when I was debating purging, my husband went to bed. So, alone, that question was easily answered by ED.
I’m not as upset about it as i probably should be. It’s been like 7 1/2 months since i last purged, i think. I should be upset about breaking my streak. But honestly, all i feel is relief. Relieved that I got all (some) of the calories out of me; relieved that i no longer feel full; relieved that maybe I won’t be even fatter tomorrow.
i miss ED. I miss being able to restrict, being small, being able to purge when i eat too much. I hate giving into cravings, gaining weight, sitting with my feelings of fullness. I hate that it seems to be one or the other.
i know that i need to say goodbye to ED permanently. I know that i need proper nutrition for my brain to function optimally and for my immune system to do its job. I know that i’m probably still smaller than many people in their 30s. I know that if i go back to ED full-time I’ll be cold, grumpy, and not able to focus on anything else. I know that if i go back to regular b/p-ing my face will swell, i’ll feel huge no matter how much i lose, and i’ll damage my body and my teeth. i know that i was a raving lunatic when i was deepest in my ED (and the drugs that i was doing “to lose weight” were no help with that).
but still. People who’ve never met ED have no idea how strong the feelings can be. How hard they are to fight off. How they’re completely irrational but make sense in a twisted way. How ED tells your rational self to fuck off and your rational self just obeys. I mean, i’ve wished to have fucking cancer just to get that bone-thin look. in the documentary “Thin” one of the girls with bulimia talks about how she joined the military during a time of active conflict (maybe desert storm?) just to go to boot camp and lose weight. To non-ED people that probably sounded nuts. She seemed to realize that it should sound nuts. But my ED side heard it like a suggestion, like if life hadn’t interfered i might have followed her lead. wtf.
phew. it’s been a while since i was on here; I guess i finally had some things to say. Happy thanksgiving, y’all.