Everything.

My husband thinks I’m an idiot. We’re watching the Michael Jordan documentary and every time I have a comment his response is like “duh you moron.”

I love documentaries. I always try to point out shit that’s like “oh wow can you believe it” but then my hubby goes “oh yeah he used to blah blah blah.”

So even though I’m trying to bring up the bigger picture, I lose in the game of statistics or whatever. I don’t even know what to call it.

We’re just on such different playing fields. I’m an academic and he’s into politics and shit. I’m going to make at least 2x what he makes but I’m still somehow inferior because I’m not (nor is my boss) any sort of high-powered politician.

So here I am in my mid-30s going back to looking at weight as a measure of my worth. And my weight has me failing – I was 20 lbs thinner at the peak of my ED, and at least 10-15 lbs thinner consistently over the past 5-10 years.

And so I’m back reading young adult novels about anorexia and highlighting passages of tips and whatnot. And I’m a fatty – even at my thinnest I was 20+ lbs heavier than most of these authors.

And that’s it. That’s all I have to offer. I hope to be worthy in the future.

I tried.

I tried, I really did. It’s a goddamn pandemic; if there’s one time where the size of my thighs shouldn’t matter it’s now. I tried just eating whatever and not weighing myself. I tried to get back into exercise for the purpose of health rather than weight loss. I tried.

But now I’m just fat and miserable instead of (less fat) and miserable. Like I’ve legit gained ten pounds since quarantine started.

So I feel like I need to let ED back in. I need to go back to eating just two meals a day, no snacks, and scheduled exercise. I need to quit drinking during the week, stop eating carbs with reckless abandon, and not let my husband guilt me into eating as much as him. But I really don’t want to start puking again, so it’s super important that I stick with the restriction this time.

Why does this keep getting harder every time? I guess if I just stuck with it I wouldn’t have this issue. Ugh. I’m in my mid-30s and I’m dealing with the same shit – doing the same shit – as when I was 17. What a fucking failure I am.

Blobby blobby blob.

WFH was cool for about a week. I enjoy the “commute” and sleeping in (although my sleep itself has gone to shit).

But I can’t stop eating. I’m not even hungry – and I KNOW I’m not hungry – but I’m constantly looking for the shittiest food to shove in my face.

And now it’s not just ED – depression has returned with a fucking VENGEANCE. I’m lonely and have no motivation and am filled with self-loathing.

So I eat more, and don’t exercise at all, and I drink heavily – and then I feel worse and it’s a never ending cycle.

And I feel like I can’t even bitch because at least I have the privilege of being able to work from home and I’m not laid off, and neither I nor anyone in my family are sick, and I’m still objectively on the thinner side.

But I’ve gained ten pounds. And now I have plans to starve tomorrow, but I know it’s much more likely that I’ll end up binging instead.

Help.

The secret life of Mary Margaret

Anyone ever watch this movie in school? I think I was in seventh grade when they showed it to us. I have to wonder if it planted the seed that eventually grew into my ED.

Anyway, I found it tonight on YouTube. I hadn’t realized it was less than half an hour long. I don’t know why I watched it. But now I want to b/p like crazy – totally the opposite effect it’s supposed to have, I know.

I’m going to bed. Mostly bc it’s 1:30 in the morning, but also bc if I’m sleeping I’m not eating. And if I’m not eating I’m not puking. My husband doesn’t understand why I used to always want to sleep. Yes it was partially depression that didn’t want me to get out of bed, but also bc I didn’t want to eat. I wish I could do that now. Law school is making me fat.

Happy fucking thanksgiving

so it’s thanksgiving.

i tried not to care about food. Really, for the past few weeks I’ve been trying not to care. Ive been eating all the sweets, the snacks, the comfort foods. I’ve been trying to tell myself that it’s just ED telling me my pants are getting tighter, my belly rounder, my cheeks squishier. I almost believed my lies. Almost.

but then, thanksgiving. Dinner itself was NBD, but dessert – that has always been the root of all evils for me. we were at his parents, so i tried to distract myself with wine. But in the end I gave in and ate. And ate. And ate. Then we came home, and i ate some more. And some more. And then more – even things I don’t like, just whatever I could get my hands on.

I ate until i was nauseous, and right when I was debating purging, my husband went to bed. So, alone, that question was easily answered by ED.

I’m not as upset about it as i probably should be. It’s been like 7 1/2 months since i last purged, i think. I should be upset about breaking my streak. But honestly, all i feel is relief. Relieved that I got all (some) of the calories out of me; relieved that i no longer feel full; relieved that maybe I won’t be even fatter tomorrow.

i miss ED. I miss being able to restrict, being small, being able to purge when i eat too much. I hate giving into cravings, gaining weight, sitting with my feelings of fullness. I hate that it seems to be one or the other.

i know that i need to say goodbye to ED permanently. I know that i need proper nutrition for my brain to function optimally and for my immune system to do its job. I know that i’m probably still smaller than many people in their 30s. I know that if i go back to ED full-time I’ll be cold, grumpy, and not able to focus on anything else. I know that if i go back to regular b/p-ing my face will swell, i’ll feel huge no matter how much i lose, and i’ll damage my body and my teeth. i know that i was a raving lunatic when i was deepest in my ED (and the drugs that i was doing “to lose weight” were no help with that).

but still. People who’ve never met ED have no idea how strong the feelings can be. How hard they are to fight off. How they’re completely irrational but make sense in a twisted way. How ED tells your rational self to fuck off and your rational self just obeys. I mean, i’ve wished to have fucking cancer just to get that bone-thin look. in the documentary “Thin” one of the girls with bulimia talks about how she joined the military during a time of active conflict (maybe desert storm?) just to go to boot camp and lose weight. To non-ED people that probably sounded nuts. She seemed to realize that it should sound nuts. But my ED side heard it like a suggestion, like if life hadn’t interfered i might have followed her lead. wtf.

phew. it’s been a while since i was on here; I guess i finally had some things to say. Happy thanksgiving, y’all.

Breaking up is hard to do

I think I want to break up with my psychiatrist. She doesn’t get me at all. All her sentences start with “but you’re not…” like she doesn’t believe I could possibly have real issues while still being high-functioning. “You’re not depressed now though right? You’re not really restricting anymore right? Your mood is good right?” She constantly minimizes my ED and today even called it “not serious.” Like yes it’s true that I no longer b/p 5-10 times per day, but just bc I’m improved doesn’t mean I’m cured. And I don’t think an ED can ever be “not serious.” I tried to open up about my body image issues and she essentially told me to stop being ridiculous bc I’m not actually fat. Like yes I know I’m not morbidly obese but a) I’m flabby and b) that doesn’t change how I feel. Even when I was clinically underweight and was diagnosed with AN (restricting type) only, I still felt fat. Clearly ED is not a logical thing; it’s a fucking mental illness.

I had the best psych for like six years and then she moved across the country. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just never going to like anyone else simply bc they’re not her. Or maybe I’m just not sick enough anymore and I’m wasting everyone’s time with body image issues when half the women in America hate their bodies.

Blobby

I am such a gross blob. I’m also probably really unhealthy. I skip actual meals but stuff my face with Cheetos and candy. I never ever exercise. And I wonder why my body image is such shit??

I want to change. Obviously I want to lose weight but also I don’t want to end up with like diabetes or something like that. But ED has had me trapped in this binge-restrict-binge cycle for so long that I don’t know any other way of being.

I want to trust that my body will even out and my weight will stay stable bc even tho I won’t be restricting I also won’t be binging. But what if it doesn’t even out until I’ve gained 10-20lbs? Can I accept that as my new normal?? I honestly don’t think so.

But god how much more energy would I have if I was healthy and didn’t spend so much time obsessing about food and calories and weight.

It never gets better

So I just got back from vacation, on which I gave myself free reign to enjoy eating/drinking whatever. I theory, that should make me not want to binge, right? So how come within a day of getting back – and I haven’t even gone back to restricting yet – I’m sitting here binging on a whole tube of cookie dough? It wasn’t even good! I have a stomach ache and want to purge so badly but my husband is in the living room which is right next to the bathroom and I’m afraid he’ll hear me. Honestly, I’d purge a lot more frequently if the bathroom was on a different floor. Him hearing me is usually the only thing stopping me.

So now I’m trying to study and all I can think about is the calories. I don’t remember where I heard or read this, but a long time ago someone said that an ED is like an excuse; it’s not that I can’t do this because I’m not smart or whatever but just because I’m spending all my energy on ED. Although, it also goes the other way – I’m not smart enough for this so I might as well give in to ED. Ugh.

I’m fucking 30 years old; I shouldn’t be having the exact same thoughts and problems as I had when I was 17. WTF.

Brains

The worst part about being a well-educated person with an ED is I know how goddamn stupid it is. I know that heavy restriction will eventually lead to binging and regaining the weight, and I know I’m losing mostly muscle and gaining mostly fat, and I know I’m probably less metabolically healthy than a lot of people with 40lbs on me, and I know eating 500cals of fat-free candy is actually worse than eating 800 cals of real food cooked in olive oil, and I know that purging won’t get rid of all the calories, but I can’t shake the need to engage in these behaviors. I understand that it’s not physically possible to gain 10lbs of actual fat overnight, but that doesn’t make me obsess over the possibility any less. I acknowledge that my weight is less than that of most Americans, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like the fattest personality in the room. And then I feel stupid and ridiculous because I know that I can educate myself all I want but it won’t matter because ED isn’t logical or rational and doesn’t care how smart I might be. Worse yet, I know that eventually ED will take my mind too because the brain doesn’t care what size my pants are if that means it doesn’t get the nutrition it needs, but ED is just the opposite.

Hypocrite

It’s been a really weird day and it’s barely noon.

This morning I saw a post from a Facebook group I’m in, in which a woman asked if she would gain 10 lbs from her binge the night before. I immediately commented that 12 years of therapy has taught me that she will not, no matter what ED says. Then I had a low-carb breakfast and went on my way, feeling like maybe I was getting better after all.

Then I got to work. It’s one of my coworker’s birthdays, so there are cupcakes sitting in the middle of the office for us to just take. I was like, what the hell, I like cupcakes, and I had one. And then I felt shitty, physically. TBH, I’ve been restricting a lot lately and not eating any added sugar, so I think my body was just in shock. But I sat around feeling icky and eventually was like what the hell, let’s have another – that old black and white thinking kicking in, equating any “bad” food with a ruined day.

So then I’m sitting here feeling like a fat pig when one of my coworkers, who I had kind of a fling with 10 years ago, came up to say goodbye before he moves across the country. I’m not sure how to act and so it’s super awkward. Then he leaves and I’m feeling like I fucked that up, and combined with the cupcakes I couldn’t deal with my feelings anymore and decided to purge. But I couldn’t. I stood over that toilet jamming a pen into the back of my throat for at least five minutes and only got the tiniest little bit out. It’s like my body was desperately trying to hold onto the calories.

When I got back to my desk I realized that I probably just hadn’t had enough water today, which always makes purging difficult. So I drank some water. And now I have a stomach ache and would like to try to purge again but I decided to write this blog post instead. No promises that I won’t change my mind in 15 minutes, but it’s a start.

I was going to eat lunch today but I guess now that I’m full of cupcakes I can’t. I’m not going to stuff myself further; then I’ll definitely need to purge. Ironically, I’m sitting here thinking I’m gaining 5 lbs after two cupcakes, four hours after telling the woman on FB that she wouldn’t. What a hypocrite. At least I was able to make the connection between eating sugar and feeling shitty; maybe that’ll keep me from giving in to temptation next time. *sigh*