Tag Archives: failure

Blobby

I am such a gross blob. I’m also probably really unhealthy. I skip actual meals but stuff my face with Cheetos and candy. I never ever exercise. And I wonder why my body image is such shit??

I want to change. Obviously I want to lose weight but also I don’t want to end up with like diabetes or something like that. But ED has had me trapped in this binge-restrict-binge cycle for so long that I don’t know any other way of being.

I want to trust that my body will even out and my weight will stay stable bc even tho I won’t be restricting I also won’t be binging. But what if it doesn’t even out until I’ve gained 10-20lbs? Can I accept that as my new normal?? I honestly don’t think so.

But god how much more energy would I have if I was healthy and didn’t spend so much time obsessing about food and calories and weight.

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Neverending

Right before class ended (actual class, not finals), I was down to my wedding weight. Now I’m terrified to get on the scale, so I don’t have an exact number, but even my fat pants are too tight so I’ve got to be up 10 lbs.

Luckily the new year starts next week and I go back to class, so hopefully I’ll be able to shed this weight in a month – it’s no longer holiday season so there won’t be that pressure to eat sweets constantly, and I can go back to black coffee for dinner instead of peppermint mocha lattes and all that (delicious) sugary holiday shit.

I wonder if my husband notices? Not that he’d have any right to say anything; he’s gained like 50 lbs in the decade we’ve been together. But does he see my love handles and pouchy belly and jiggly arms and bat wings? I know he’s not into fat chicks, but where does he draw that line? And how thin can I get before he starts to get on my case about eating? God I wish I was a mind-reader.

But anyway, the New Years’ weight loss plan is nothing new. My concern is what happens when the spring semester ends and I’m back home all the time again. Will I just gain it again and be fat until the fall? Will the cycle ever end? Can’t I just find a happy medium and stay there? I honestly feel like I maintained my weight better when I was b/p-ing every day; at least then the net intake was approximately consistent. Now I’m rarely puking (although I did this afternoon, after eating half a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies) but I’m either ingesting 5,000+ calories a day or I’m restricting to 800. This is not sustainable! But when the alternative (daily b/p-ing) is even more harmful, what do I do? I’d rather be sick than fat.

ED is so fucked up.

Sugar is bad

It makes me feel shitty. Never once have I finished a bag of candy and thought, “gee I feel great.” I usually want to puke, but purging candy is a lost cause. I feel like a fat cow. I get bloated and thirsty. It sets me up for more overeating. It makes me fat. It makes me feel out of control. It makes me feel weak. It makes me tired. It makes me too full for healthy food. It gives me zits. It makes me depressed. 

Hopefully if I can just remember these reasons I’ll be able to stop eating this shit. 

Backwards.

B/P’d at work today. It’s been a while since I did that. And the worst part is, I was actually trying. Contrary to how I may sound sometimes, I DO want to get better. I don’t want to be a slave to calories and weight and food and fat forever. So today I decided I would eat a real lunch. I’d already had a decent breakfast (banana with peanut butter, small pumpkin muffin, coffee) and had an AM snack (apple), and I decided I would get a falafel salad for lunch. But as soon as I started eating I was instantly out of control. I literally could not get the food in my mouth fast enough. And then once I finished I wanted something sweet so I ate a bag of candy the same way – five pieces in my mouth at a time, not enjoying it at all but still unable to stop or even slow down. And then the candy was gone and I could feel my whole body swelling up, like afraid my pants would split open and my guy would pop out and my whole self would turn to a big fat blob. So I went in the bathroom and purged. And then – I didn’t feel better. Less likely to explode, maybe, but still like a gross blob, nauseous and thirsty as hell. I didn’t want to guzzle water to quench my thirst bc that would just make me feel bloated again, and somehow I still had the urge to keep eating. If I had free access to a private room and bathroom I probably would have gone back to the store for $50 worth of food and flushed it all down to the toilet. And now I’m gone with work and am trying to remember what’s left in the house to eat, and if I’ll be able to purge it without my fiancĂ© noticing. Fuck me.

Why can’t I do this? Why are my days where I deliberately restrict healthier and more balanced than the days I start off with good intentions? Why can’t I eat like a normal person??