My doctor considers me “in recovery” at this point, b/c I’m only purging like once every other month or so. But I don’t feel recovered. In fact, every time I eat something that seems like a good recovery move – like letting myself eat Mac and cheese, or candy, or whatever – I just feel like a complete failure. Part of me feels like I’m failing my ED by giving in. Part of me feels like I’m failing myself by using recovery as an excuse to eat garbage. And then all of me just feels like a blob. I’m afraid to weigh myself but I know I’ve gained again; my fat pants are now fitting just fine and the rest of my pants are far too tight. I miss when starving was easy. Its like the saying goes, “I wish I was as fat as I was the first time I thought I was fat.” I understand that ED messed with my head and made me even more unhealthy than eating crap sometimes now and honestly made me a little bit crazy, but at least my fucking pants fit. I just … I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. Help me.
Anyone ever watch this movie in school? I think I was in seventh grade when they showed it to us. I have to wonder if it planted the seed that eventually grew into my ED.
Anyway, I found it tonight on YouTube. I hadn’t realized it was less than half an hour long. I don’t know why I watched it. But now I want to b/p like crazy – totally the opposite effect it’s supposed to have, I know.
I’m going to bed. Mostly bc it’s 1:30 in the morning, but also bc if I’m sleeping I’m not eating. And if I’m not eating I’m not puking. My husband doesn’t understand why I used to always want to sleep. Yes it was partially depression that didn’t want me to get out of bed, but also bc I didn’t want to eat. I wish I could do that now. Law school is making me fat.
so it’s thanksgiving.
i tried not to care about food. Really, for the past few weeks I’ve been trying not to care. Ive been eating all the sweets, the snacks, the comfort foods. I’ve been trying to tell myself that it’s just ED telling me my pants are getting tighter, my belly rounder, my cheeks squishier. I almost believed my lies. Almost.
but then, thanksgiving. Dinner itself was NBD, but dessert – that has always been the root of all evils for me. we were at his parents, so i tried to distract myself with wine. But in the end I gave in and ate. And ate. And ate. Then we came home, and i ate some more. And some more. And then more – even things I don’t like, just whatever I could get my hands on.
I ate until i was nauseous, and right when I was debating purging, my husband went to bed. So, alone, that question was easily answered by ED.
I’m not as upset about it as i probably should be. It’s been like 7 1/2 months since i last purged, i think. I should be upset about breaking my streak. But honestly, all i feel is relief. Relieved that I got all (some) of the calories out of me; relieved that i no longer feel full; relieved that maybe I won’t be even fatter tomorrow.
i miss ED. I miss being able to restrict, being small, being able to purge when i eat too much. I hate giving into cravings, gaining weight, sitting with my feelings of fullness. I hate that it seems to be one or the other.
i know that i need to say goodbye to ED permanently. I know that i need proper nutrition for my brain to function optimally and for my immune system to do its job. I know that i’m probably still smaller than many people in their 30s. I know that if i go back to ED full-time I’ll be cold, grumpy, and not able to focus on anything else. I know that if i go back to regular b/p-ing my face will swell, i’ll feel huge no matter how much i lose, and i’ll damage my body and my teeth. i know that i was a raving lunatic when i was deepest in my ED (and the drugs that i was doing “to lose weight” were no help with that).
but still. People who’ve never met ED have no idea how strong the feelings can be. How hard they are to fight off. How they’re completely irrational but make sense in a twisted way. How ED tells your rational self to fuck off and your rational self just obeys. I mean, i’ve wished to have fucking cancer just to get that bone-thin look. in the documentary “Thin” one of the girls with bulimia talks about how she joined the military during a time of active conflict (maybe desert storm?) just to go to boot camp and lose weight. To non-ED people that probably sounded nuts. She seemed to realize that it should sound nuts. But my ED side heard it like a suggestion, like if life hadn’t interfered i might have followed her lead. wtf.
phew. it’s been a while since i was on here; I guess i finally had some things to say. Happy thanksgiving, y’all.
I am such a gross blob. I’m also probably really unhealthy. I skip actual meals but stuff my face with Cheetos and candy. I never ever exercise. And I wonder why my body image is such shit??
I want to change. Obviously I want to lose weight but also I don’t want to end up with like diabetes or something like that. But ED has had me trapped in this binge-restrict-binge cycle for so long that I don’t know any other way of being.
I want to trust that my body will even out and my weight will stay stable bc even tho I won’t be restricting I also won’t be binging. But what if it doesn’t even out until I’ve gained 10-20lbs? Can I accept that as my new normal?? I honestly don’t think so.
But god how much more energy would I have if I was healthy and didn’t spend so much time obsessing about food and calories and weight.
The worst part about being a well-educated person with an ED is I know how goddamn stupid it is. I know that heavy restriction will eventually lead to binging and regaining the weight, and I know I’m losing mostly muscle and gaining mostly fat, and I know I’m probably less metabolically healthy than a lot of people with 40lbs on me, and I know eating 500cals of fat-free candy is actually worse than eating 800 cals of real food cooked in olive oil, and I know that purging won’t get rid of all the calories, but I can’t shake the need to engage in these behaviors. I understand that it’s not physically possible to gain 10lbs of actual fat overnight, but that doesn’t make me obsess over the possibility any less. I acknowledge that my weight is less than that of most Americans, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like the fattest personality in the room. And then I feel stupid and ridiculous because I know that I can educate myself all I want but it won’t matter because ED isn’t logical or rational and doesn’t care how smart I might be. Worse yet, I know that eventually ED will take my mind too because the brain doesn’t care what size my pants are if that means it doesn’t get the nutrition it needs, but ED is just the opposite.
It’s been a really weird day and it’s barely noon.
This morning I saw a post from a Facebook group I’m in, in which a woman asked if she would gain 10 lbs from her binge the night before. I immediately commented that 12 years of therapy has taught me that she will not, no matter what ED says. Then I had a low-carb breakfast and went on my way, feeling like maybe I was getting better after all.
Then I got to work. It’s one of my coworker’s birthdays, so there are cupcakes sitting in the middle of the office for us to just take. I was like, what the hell, I like cupcakes, and I had one. And then I felt shitty, physically. TBH, I’ve been restricting a lot lately and not eating any added sugar, so I think my body was just in shock. But I sat around feeling icky and eventually was like what the hell, let’s have another – that old black and white thinking kicking in, equating any “bad” food with a ruined day.
So then I’m sitting here feeling like a fat pig when one of my coworkers, who I had kind of a fling with 10 years ago, came up to say goodbye before he moves across the country. I’m not sure how to act and so it’s super awkward. Then he leaves and I’m feeling like I fucked that up, and combined with the cupcakes I couldn’t deal with my feelings anymore and decided to purge. But I couldn’t. I stood over that toilet jamming a pen into the back of my throat for at least five minutes and only got the tiniest little bit out. It’s like my body was desperately trying to hold onto the calories.
When I got back to my desk I realized that I probably just hadn’t had enough water today, which always makes purging difficult. So I drank some water. And now I have a stomach ache and would like to try to purge again but I decided to write this blog post instead. No promises that I won’t change my mind in 15 minutes, but it’s a start.
I was going to eat lunch today but I guess now that I’m full of cupcakes I can’t. I’m not going to stuff myself further; then I’ll definitely need to purge. Ironically, I’m sitting here thinking I’m gaining 5 lbs after two cupcakes, four hours after telling the woman on FB that she wouldn’t. What a hypocrite. At least I was able to make the connection between eating sugar and feeling shitty; maybe that’ll keep me from giving in to temptation next time. *sigh*
Right before class ended (actual class, not finals), I was down to my wedding weight. Now I’m terrified to get on the scale, so I don’t have an exact number, but even my fat pants are too tight so I’ve got to be up 10 lbs.
Luckily the new year starts next week and I go back to class, so hopefully I’ll be able to shed this weight in a month – it’s no longer holiday season so there won’t be that pressure to eat sweets constantly, and I can go back to black coffee for dinner instead of peppermint mocha lattes and all that (delicious) sugary holiday shit.
I wonder if my husband notices? Not that he’d have any right to say anything; he’s gained like 50 lbs in the decade we’ve been together. But does he see my love handles and pouchy belly and jiggly arms and bat wings? I know he’s not into fat chicks, but where does he draw that line? And how thin can I get before he starts to get on my case about eating? God I wish I was a mind-reader.
But anyway, the New Years’ weight loss plan is nothing new. My concern is what happens when the spring semester ends and I’m back home all the time again. Will I just gain it again and be fat until the fall? Will the cycle ever end? Can’t I just find a happy medium and stay there? I honestly feel like I maintained my weight better when I was b/p-ing every day; at least then the net intake was approximately consistent. Now I’m rarely puking (although I did this afternoon, after eating half a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies) but I’m either ingesting 5,000+ calories a day or I’m restricting to 800. This is not sustainable! But when the alternative (daily b/p-ing) is even more harmful, what do I do? I’d rather be sick than fat.
ED is so fucked up.