Anyone else ever get triggered by someone acting on their own addiction, even if it’s not food? Every time my husband passes out drunk on the couch I spend the rest of the night binging, usually ending with a purge. I’m never actually hungry, and sometimes I’m almost full already, but I literally can’t stop eating until there’s nothing left to eat. I can’t figure out if his drinking actually triggers me in some way, or if I’m using food to cope because I’m upset about it, or if him being passsed out is just a convenient time for me to binge in peace and purge without being caught. Whatever the reason, now I’m left feeling disgusting and like a failure.
So I think I had a bit of a breakthrough today, or at least made some progress. I was craving something sweet so I made a mug cake (single-serve dessert!), and I even added ice cream because it honestly makes most things better. But about ¾ of the way though I realized I didn’t want anymore and I THREW IT AWAY. What?! I’m always one of those people who feel super guilty wasting food (but somehow it’s not wasting it if I eat it and puke it up??), so it was a big deal for me to not force myself to finish. Go me!
Why is it that when things in life start going good, my eating goes to shit? I get turning to ED when everything is out of control and falling apart, but life is going pretty well right now so why did I spend the day binging and purging?? It’s like I can’t handle not being unhappy in some aspect of my life. Fuck.
Sometimes I want to recover. Sometimes I want to say “fuck it” and eat whatever I want without thinking about fat or calories or any of that. Sometimes I eat dessert, and then want another dessert so I have something else. Sometimes I think I look “good enough” and consider just buying larger pants.
But sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I can’t imagine giving up control of my diet. Sometimes I can’t bring myself to eat even 1000 calories in a day. Sometimes I feel immense guilt for not working out. Sometimes I look in the mirror and hate everything I see. Sometimes I can’t even wear a normally-fitting t-shirt, never mind something form-fitting.
So what do I do? Am I making progress? When I think of 10 years ago, bawling on the phone to my girlfriend because I couldn’t make myself eat some peas after fasting for four days, I think I’m doing much better. When I think of where I was nine years ago, binging and purging over a dozen times a day, I think I’m almost normal. But when I think of 13 years ago, before I ever started “dieting,” I think I’m pathetic.
Maybe I’ll be actually recovered in another ten years. Hopefully I make it that long.
I got tired of writing about all the plans I was making that I never kept, of all the supposed insights I was having that never actually lead to any changes. But now it’s 15 days into the new year and I finally feel like I’m making progress, beyond just numbers on a scale, so I felt like sharing.
This year, for the first year in over a decade, I didn’t make a New Years resolution to lose weight. Instead, I’m focusing on health – I resolved to eat less shit, workout more often, and watch less TV. And so far, I’m doing okay. I’m trying new workouts, like spinning and barre, and choosing not to buy junk snacks at the grocery store. I’ll admit I have slips – today I binged on a whole box of cookies and bag of chocolates – but the biggest accomplishment for me has been not giving up. I’m not quitting totally bc of my slip today; I’ll try again tomorrow.
Just finished reading this book, which is a memoir by a sugar addict. I binged ALL day. I ate a whole bag of chips, a few handfuls of chocolates, half a bag of gummies, plus breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I’ve taken less than 2000 steps all day. I also haven’t kept ANY of my resolutions from my last post.
But then I finished the book. I’d been waiting the whole time for the “happily ever after,” where she beats her addiction and everything is perfect. That moment never came. She still struggles, decades later. She still slips up. But instead of quitting she keeps going. She starts fresh. She doesn’t let one slip ruin everything. And it gets easier.
I need that mindset. I’m so black-and-white in my thinking, it’s no wonder I never get anywhere in beating this shit. If I’m not totally starving, I’ve failed and might as well just binge on everything. But I can’t starve all the time. Even when AN was my primary dx, I was still the b/p subtype. So all my plans are fundamentally flawed in that I can’t “go back” to a behavior that I never really had. Something needs to change.
As soon as I finished reading, I threw out the bag of gummies I was binging on. Honestly I’m so nauseated at the moment that I’m not tempted to go fish them out of the trash (which I’ve totally done, even with things that aren’t in a package 😔), but I’ll put the cat’s litter on top just in case.
Perhaps it’s time to start cutting sugar out completely. I know I’m an addict; I’ll probably never be able to eat in moderation. But goddamnit I still want to try. So my new plan is to focus on quality. Before eating I need to ask myself if I really want it; if it’s really worth the calories. If I do, I’ll take a portioned-out serving.
Is this mindful eating? Who knows. All I know is my period has stopped, despite being on the pill (not pregnant, thank god), which is clearly a sign that I’m doing something wrong. I guess the body doesn’t want to reproduce while subsisting in a diet of pure sugar and alcohol.
Maybe taking my health more seriously will be helpful. Maybe I can at least pretend to give a shit about myself for once. Maybe focusing on health will let my weight go down on its own. Now, to find a new location for my alarm clock.
So I’m watching a BBC documentary on anorexia, and god I wish I could have that control back. My office has been loaded with candy for the past few weeks and it’s just been triggering binge after binge. But I’m not purging for the most part, so I’m just getting fat and feeling awful about myself.
I know I’m crazy, and the point of all these documentaries is to show all the bad parts of EDs, but I’d rather have the bad parts that come with being skinny instead of the bad parts that come with being fat.
So this weekend I’ll eat. I’ll finish up all the shit that’s already in my house, get rested up, and start fresh on Monday. But this time I’m making a plan, beyond just “eat less.”
I realize that I’ve been not doing my AM workouts because they’re too intense; I don’t have the energy for Insanity at 6am. So I think I’ll go back to using my elliptical at least three times a week, and then I’ll do Insanity on the weekend when I’ve gotten to sleep in.
I’ve also realized I’m eating way too much for breakfast most days. Although peanut butter is healthy fats, it’s still fat and is very calorically dense, and I eat it basically every day – without measuring 😞. So new breakfast plan is either bran flakes w/ milk (200), eggs (150), or an apple with a measured tablespoon of peanut butter (160).
I’ll probably just make it a rule to not eat at work; if I’m not eating then I can’t binge. If I do eat I’ll get a salad with no dressing (200-300), or have a protein bar (190).
Dinner is up to the mercy of what my husband cooks, unfortunately. It’s usually chicken cooked in olive oil and sautéed vegetables (400) but sometimes he’ll make pasta with turkey meatballs (600) so those days will be no-lunch days.
The biggest thing I have to do is stop snacking. If I can just do that I should be able to keep it at or under 1000 calories no problem.
I am aware that this is unhealthy. I am aware that restriction is not conducive to mental recovery. But sometimes I just don’t care.
Also, why doesn’t the US use the metric system or stones? Those numbers are just so much smaller.