All posts by progress2perfection

I hate thanksgiving

I try to enjoy it; I really do. I even start to feel festive by the time I wake up thanksgiving morning. Unfortunately, by the time I’m laying in bed that night, as now, I loathe both the holiday and myself. Why can’t I just eat a normal meal? Why do I get full so quickly on actual food but then have seven desserts? (Literally, seven.) I have zero desire to eat tomorrow and hope I can get to at least dinner without doing so. Thank goodness it’s back to a regular schedule next week and I can heavily restrict three days and at least skip lunch the other two. Also, I’ve got to get more exercise. My thighs are so squishy it’s horrifying. My sister got gastric bypass surgery recently so she gets full quickly and “can’t” eat dessert or other simple carbs. I wish bring morbidly obese wasn’t a requirement to get that. I need it as prevention, to physically stop me from stuffing my face whenever there’s food around. I was watching a drug documentary when I got home tonight and honestly for like an hour I was wishing I was still a drug addict so I’d be obsessing about that instead of just food all the time. My sister’s bestie is super tall and thin and is on the ketogenic diet, which everyone accepts for some reason. I stopped eating meat a decade ago with no issue; maybe I just need to start telling everyone I don’t eat sugar or something so the fear of being called out will keep me accountable. Hmm…

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Triggers

So less than two hours after writing my last post I started to binge. So far it’s only been half a bag of chips and ⅔ a bag of Oreos, but I’m really fighting the urge to purge. Honestly I probably would have done it already except I have wet grout in my bathroom and I don’t want to fuck it up. 

But that’s not the point of this post. Well not in regards to this individual episode, anyway. But it got my thinking about what triggers this. How can I be totally fine one day and totally out of control the next? Or even within the course of a single day? So I thought I’d try to list my triggers. Here’s what I have so far:

  1. Talking/writing/thinking about past behaviors
  2. Eating one bad thing (starts the “fuck it” mentality)
  3. When my husband is passed out drunk
  4. Feeling overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to do
  5. Feeling pressure to be perfect in all of said things (even tho the pressure only comes from myself)
  6. Being bored 
  7. Thinking about my weight/body size/shape
  8. Being at home (lack of routine)
  9. Visiting my parents/in-laws
  10. Feeling lonely/sad/anxious
  11. Knowing there’s junk in the house
  12. Going grocery shopping 
  13. Being hungry (and not wanting to be)
  14. Being full 
  15. Being thirsty
  16. Knowing an event is coming up
  17. Social gatherings 
  18. Being cold/tired

Good grief, no wonder I can’t stop. 

Triggers

So less than two hours after writing my last post I started to binge. So far it’s only been half a bag of chips and ⅔ a bag of Oreos, but I’m really fighting the urge to purge. Honestly I probably would have done it already except I have wet grout in my bathroom and I don’t want to fuck it up. 

But that’s not the point of this post. Well not in regards to this individual episode, anyway. But it got my thinking about what triggers this. How can I be totally fine one day and totally out of control the next? Or even within the course of a single day? So I thought I’d try to list my triggers. Here’s what I have so far:

  1. Talking/writing/thinking about past behaviors
  2. Eating one bad thing (starts the “fuck it” mentality)
  3. When my husband is passed out drunk
  4. Feeling overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to do
  5. Feeling pressure to be perfect in all of said things (even tho the pressure only comes from myself)
  6. Being bored 
  7. Thinking about my weight/body size/shape
  8. Being at home (lack of routine)
  9. Visiting my parents/in-laws
  10. Feeling lonely/sad/anxious
  11. Knowing there’s junk in the house
  12. Going grocery shopping 
  13. Being hungry (and not wanting to be)
  14. Being full 
  15. Being thirsty
  16. Knowing an event is coming up
  17. Social gatherings 
  18. Being cold/tired

Good grief, no wonder I can’t stop. 

Triggers

So less than two hours after writing my last post I started to binge. So far it’s only been half a bag of chips and ⅔ a bag of Oreos, but I’m really fighting the urge to purge. Honestly I probably would have done it already except I have wet grout in my bathroom and I don’t want to fuck it up. 

But that’s not the point of this post. Well not in regards to this individual episode, anyway. But it got my thinking about what triggers this. How can I be totally fine one day and totally out of control the next? Or even within the course of a single day? So I thought I’d try to list my triggers. Here’s what I have so far:

  1. Talking/writing/thinking about past behaviors
  2. Eating one bad thing (starts the “fuck it” mentality)
  3. When my husband is passed out drunk
  4. Feeling overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to do
  5. Feeling pressure to be perfect in all of said things (even tho the pressure only comes from myself)
  6. Being bored 
  7. Thinking about my weight/body size/shape
  8. Being at home (lack of routine)
  9. Visiting my parents/in-laws
  10. Feeling lonely/sad/anxious
  11. Knowing there’s junk in the house
  12. Going grocery shopping 
  13. Being hungry (and not wanting to be)
  14. Being full 
  15. Being thirsty
  16. Knowing an event is coming up
  17. Social gatherings 
  18. Being cold/tired

Good grief, no wonder I can’t stop. 

I’m sad.

I had a relapse the other day – full on b/p, like the old days. Donuts, chips, crackers, chocolates, really anything I could get my hands on. I was trying to figure out what triggered it, but all I can come up with is that I’m just sad. In general, all the time. I miss my bestie who moved across the country. I feel overwhelmed by school, and pressure to be perfect there. My general anxiety has increased to the point where I’m always convinced people are talking about me or mad at me or don’t like me. It gets dark early now so I almost never see the sun. B/p-ing is a way to distract from all of that, and on some level it gives me something to blame for my failures other than myself.

I think I need to up my medication. But I don’t like my new doctor. My old psychiatrist moved across the country, so I had to stop seeing her after like seven years together. This new one is older, and spent our whole first appointment looking at the computer screen and typing very formulaic info about me (that I can clearly see). I don’t feel like I can open up to her, or like she gives a shit anyway. She’s a little overweight and I feel like she doesn’t take my body dysmorphia issues seriously, like she’s thinking “this skinny bitch has no right to complain about feeling fat.” But maybe she’ll understand anxiety at least.

I wish I could move across the country w/ my bestie; it’s warm and sunny there all the time.

A-ha moment

Just had an a-ha moment in regards to one reason why I binge. I’ve always known it has to do with feeling overwhelmed or out of control; it’s like a little way of saying “fuck you, I’ll eat all the things I’m not ‘supposed’ to eat just because I CAN.” But sometimes I don’t feel like that fits – I’m not doing anything really stressful; just sitting on the couch – until tonight when it clicked.

My husband is an alcoholic. We’ve had conversations and screaming matches, I’ve made graphs and bawled my eyes out, but nothing ever changes. And so I guess that aspect of my life is ALWAYS out of control, leading to random urges – urges that get irresistible when he’s passed out on the couch before 9pm. So tonight I binged on ice cream, chips, and bagels. I feel disgusted with myself both physically and mentally, but it’s slightly helpful to have figured out a piece of the puzzle.

Sugar is bad.

I started law school about six weeks ago, and I’ve lost five pounds. I know I didn’t do it in a healthy way; it’s mostly from restricting now that I’m not home for dinner three nights a week. However, part of that restriction has been just in the fact that I can’t sit around binging on the couch anymore, which I think might actually be a good thing. So I don’t know, it’s a mixed bag.

Anyway, last night we went to the grocery store to buy a few things for dinner, and I ended up impulse-buying a package of Twizzlers and some chips. So today I’m sitting around doing my reading and I ate half the chips and all of the Twizzlers. Interestingly enough, I’m not freaking out about the calories – although I am slightly disappointed in myself for continuing my streak of weekend overeating – because I know I can make up for it during the week. However, I forgot what an impact binging had on my mental state just physiologically. The massive sugar rush is making me dizzy and unable to focus, and the resulting crash is making me exhausted and unable to retain what I’m reading. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to notice the physical effects of binging and not just the psychological ones.

So I don’t know if this will be helpful going forward with not buying sugary snacks, or if it just means I’m not going to get anything done for the next four hours.