Tag Archives: recovery

Breakthrough?

So I think I had a bit of a breakthrough today, or at least made some progress. I was craving something sweet so I made a mug cake (single-serve dessert!), and I even added ice cream because it honestly makes most things better. But about ¾ of the way though I realized I didn’t want anymore and I THREW IT AWAY. What?! I’m always one of those people who feel super guilty wasting food (but somehow it’s not wasting it if I eat it and puke it up??), so it was a big deal for me to not force myself to finish. Go me!

Lost

Sometimes I want to recover. Sometimes I want to say “fuck it” and eat whatever I want without thinking about fat or calories or any of that. Sometimes I eat dessert, and then want another dessert so I have something else. Sometimes I think I look “good enough” and consider just buying larger pants. 

But sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I can’t imagine giving up control of my diet. Sometimes I can’t bring myself to eat even 1000 calories in a day. Sometimes I feel immense guilt for not working out. Sometimes I look in the mirror and hate everything I see. Sometimes I can’t even wear a normally-fitting t-shirt, never mind something form-fitting. 

So what do I do? Am I making progress? When I think of 10 years ago, bawling on the phone to my girlfriend because I couldn’t make myself eat some peas after fasting for four days, I think I’m doing much better. When I think of where I was nine years ago, binging and purging over a dozen times a day, I think I’m almost normal. But when I think of 13 years ago, before I ever started “dieting,” I think I’m pathetic. 

Maybe I’ll be actually recovered in another ten years. Hopefully I make it that long. 

I feel like my body hates me 

I’m trying, I really am. I’m trying to eat healthy, from a variety of food groups and not too much junk. But rather than make me feel better, I’m practically crawling out of my skin. I feel fat, and ugly, and like no one likes me, and like I’m not that smart, and I’m definitely not special or interesting. So much of my life has been based around ED for so long, I don’t know what to do without it. And let’s be honest, I don’t necessarily give a shit about being “normal,” I just want to be thin. 

I’m back! 

I got tired of writing about all the plans I was making that I never kept, of all the supposed insights I was having that never actually lead to any changes. But now it’s 15 days into the new year and I finally feel like I’m making progress, beyond just numbers on a scale, so I felt like sharing. 

This year, for the first year in over a decade, I didn’t make a New Years resolution to lose weight. Instead, I’m focusing on health – I resolved to eat less shit, workout more often, and watch less TV. And so far, I’m doing okay. I’m trying new workouts, like spinning and barre, and choosing not to buy junk snacks at the grocery store. I’ll admit I have slips – today I binged on a whole box of cookies and bag of chocolates – but the biggest accomplishment for me has been not giving up. I’m not quitting totally bc of my slip today; I’ll try again tomorrow. 

Scheming 

So I’m watching a BBC documentary on anorexia, and god I wish I could have that control back. My office has been loaded with candy for the past few weeks and it’s just been triggering binge after binge. But I’m not purging for the most part, so I’m just getting fat and feeling awful about myself. 

I know I’m crazy, and the point of all these documentaries is to show all the bad parts of EDs, but I’d rather have the bad parts that come with being skinny instead of the bad parts that come with being fat. 

So this weekend I’ll eat. I’ll finish up all the shit that’s already in my house, get rested up, and start fresh on Monday. But this time I’m making a plan, beyond just “eat less.” 

I realize that I’ve been not doing my AM workouts because they’re too intense; I don’t have the energy for Insanity at 6am. So I think I’ll go back to using my elliptical at least three times a week, and then I’ll do Insanity on the weekend when I’ve gotten to sleep in. 

I’ve also realized I’m eating way too much for breakfast most days. Although peanut butter is healthy fats, it’s still fat and is very calorically dense, and I eat it basically every day – without measuring 😞. So new breakfast plan is either bran flakes w/ milk (200), eggs (150), or an apple with a measured tablespoon of peanut butter (160).

I’ll probably just make it a rule to not eat at work; if I’m not eating then I can’t binge. If I do eat I’ll get a salad with no dressing (200-300), or have a protein bar (190).

Dinner is up to the mercy of what my husband cooks, unfortunately. It’s usually chicken cooked in olive oil and sautéed vegetables (400) but sometimes he’ll make pasta with turkey meatballs (600) so those days will be no-lunch days. 

The biggest thing I have to do is stop snacking. If I can just do that I should be able to keep it at or under 1000 calories no problem. 

I am aware that this is unhealthy. I am aware that restriction is not conducive to mental recovery. But sometimes I just don’t care. 

Also, why doesn’t the US use the metric system or stones? Those numbers are just so much smaller. 

The bigger they are the harder they fall

I’ve been doing well. Like, working out fairly consistently, eating three meals and maybe a snack but all well-balanced, not eating massive amounts of junk, etc. But then yesterday (Friday – I don’t care that it’s technically 1am on Sunday now) I b/p-ed on a whole bag of peanut butter M&Ms at work, and today I just ate junk all day and only actually ate two meals. I also haven’t worked out since Tuesday or Wednesday. So okay two days won’t undo a whole weeks worth of progress right? Except I can already see it. My fingers are puffy, my stomach is bloated, my skin is breaking out, and of course I just feel huge and gross. Sometimes I almost wish I was back in my ED full-blown, like b/p every day multiple times bad, bc then at least then I’d know why I felt like shit, why I was miserable, why I couldn’t stick to a meal plan – I had ED to blame it all on. But now, I’m supposedly in recovery, and I still hate my body, I still want to cry half the time, I still obsess over food and can’t stop eating junk once I start, and I still struggle to wake up every morning. It’s like, what am I fighting so hard to get??

Cuz I’m never, ever, ever… Getting better?

I really am trying to recover. I’m working out moderately, eating at least three meals a day (actual meals, not a piece of fruit and Diet Coke like I used to do), and even allowing some “bad” foods into my diet. But it seems like I can only ever get three days in a row before I fuck up in some way – binging, restricting, over-exercising, not exercising at all, or, in the case of today, b/p-ing at work. And then that b/p lead to skipping my afternoon walk (or maybe skipping the walk lead to the b/p?) and continuing to be lazy and eat shit at home. I’m trying to shake it off and just get back on track tomorrow, but in the back of my head I’m like “oh I’m going to be out tomorrow evening I can restrict dinner and burn extra cals.” I don’t know how to break this cycle 😦