Tag Archives: emotions

Triggers

So less than two hours after writing my last post I started to binge. So far it’s only been half a bag of chips and ⅔ a bag of Oreos, but I’m really fighting the urge to purge. Honestly I probably would have done it already except I have wet grout in my bathroom and I don’t want to fuck it up. 

But that’s not the point of this post. Well not in regards to this individual episode, anyway. But it got my thinking about what triggers this. How can I be totally fine one day and totally out of control the next? Or even within the course of a single day? So I thought I’d try to list my triggers. Here’s what I have so far:

  1. Talking/writing/thinking about past behaviors
  2. Eating one bad thing (starts the “fuck it” mentality)
  3. When my husband is passed out drunk
  4. Feeling overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to do
  5. Feeling pressure to be perfect in all of said things (even tho the pressure only comes from myself)
  6. Being bored 
  7. Thinking about my weight/body size/shape
  8. Being at home (lack of routine)
  9. Visiting my parents/in-laws
  10. Feeling lonely/sad/anxious
  11. Knowing there’s junk in the house
  12. Going grocery shopping 
  13. Being hungry (and not wanting to be)
  14. Being full 
  15. Being thirsty
  16. Knowing an event is coming up
  17. Social gatherings 
  18. Being cold/tired

Good grief, no wonder I can’t stop. 

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Triggers

So less than two hours after writing my last post I started to binge. So far it’s only been half a bag of chips and ⅔ a bag of Oreos, but I’m really fighting the urge to purge. Honestly I probably would have done it already except I have wet grout in my bathroom and I don’t want to fuck it up. 

But that’s not the point of this post. Well not in regards to this individual episode, anyway. But it got my thinking about what triggers this. How can I be totally fine one day and totally out of control the next? Or even within the course of a single day? So I thought I’d try to list my triggers. Here’s what I have so far:

  1. Talking/writing/thinking about past behaviors
  2. Eating one bad thing (starts the “fuck it” mentality)
  3. When my husband is passed out drunk
  4. Feeling overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to do
  5. Feeling pressure to be perfect in all of said things (even tho the pressure only comes from myself)
  6. Being bored 
  7. Thinking about my weight/body size/shape
  8. Being at home (lack of routine)
  9. Visiting my parents/in-laws
  10. Feeling lonely/sad/anxious
  11. Knowing there’s junk in the house
  12. Going grocery shopping 
  13. Being hungry (and not wanting to be)
  14. Being full 
  15. Being thirsty
  16. Knowing an event is coming up
  17. Social gatherings 
  18. Being cold/tired

Good grief, no wonder I can’t stop. 

Triggers

So less than two hours after writing my last post I started to binge. So far it’s only been half a bag of chips and ⅔ a bag of Oreos, but I’m really fighting the urge to purge. Honestly I probably would have done it already except I have wet grout in my bathroom and I don’t want to fuck it up. 

But that’s not the point of this post. Well not in regards to this individual episode, anyway. But it got my thinking about what triggers this. How can I be totally fine one day and totally out of control the next? Or even within the course of a single day? So I thought I’d try to list my triggers. Here’s what I have so far:

  1. Talking/writing/thinking about past behaviors
  2. Eating one bad thing (starts the “fuck it” mentality)
  3. When my husband is passed out drunk
  4. Feeling overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to do
  5. Feeling pressure to be perfect in all of said things (even tho the pressure only comes from myself)
  6. Being bored 
  7. Thinking about my weight/body size/shape
  8. Being at home (lack of routine)
  9. Visiting my parents/in-laws
  10. Feeling lonely/sad/anxious
  11. Knowing there’s junk in the house
  12. Going grocery shopping 
  13. Being hungry (and not wanting to be)
  14. Being full 
  15. Being thirsty
  16. Knowing an event is coming up
  17. Social gatherings 
  18. Being cold/tired

Good grief, no wonder I can’t stop. 

Science

I often wonder if scientific exploration of EDs do more harm than good. Like I know I sometimes exhibit traits of Aspergers, but getting an actual diagnosis of an intellectual disorder like that would cause my self esteem to plummet. I need to think I’m normal with some minor issues; anything else sends me into a spiral of hopelessness. I often imagine my “normal” coworkers talking about my craziness and it makes me want to be more stringent in my eating so as to at least have control over something in my life. I actually bought diet pills the other day in the hopes of losing 5-10 lbs – hoping that if I can at least get my weight on track I can play like I have my life on track. I don’t know how to get out of this spiral. Help?

I feel like a failure

Every time I set a goal I don’t meet it. I wanted to be in good shape for my fitting next week, but I haven’t run once all month and haven’t managed to go more than 24 hours without eating some sort of junk food – I’m even craving it now as I write this!

March is no excuses, bc if I don’t run then I’m never going to be able to do my race in April. Maybe that’s it – I always put shit off until I absolutely *have* to do it. The wedding isn’t for three more months – Hubs and I are finally making this shit legal after two years of just walking around with a ring on – so maybe I’ll finally get serious with my diet in May. They can take the dress in a whole size two weeks before the big day, right? :/

I’ll also be done with school then, and I always stress-eat while studying/doing homework. So note to self: no more school. Three degrees is enough.

I never did get around to calling my shrink to up my meds, and I feel like now it’s too late for that as well. Antidepressants always take like 3-4 weeks to kick in, so by the time I adjusted to the higher dose it would be spring and I wouldn’t have to deal with SAD so much anyway.

I fucking hate living in New England. Half of me wishes the hubs had been disgusted with my bulimia when we met – because it was full-blown bulimia at that point, I’d completely given up on restricting and just b/p’ed all day every day – and our relationship hadn’t gone anywhere, we never moved in together or bought a house or any of that shit. Then I could have moved somewhere warm like I wanted to and not had to deal with the added burden of SAD on top of everything else. But the other half of me loves him and couldn’t imagine life without him and I know he’ll never leave, so I guess I’m just doomed to be miserable for at least a quarter of every year.

Ugh I sound like such a whiney little bitch.

Calories

Yesterday I ate over 5000 calories. I just stopped counting after a while – it was more depressing than helpful. Today I struggled to make 1200, and I exercised for over an hour. I was talking to my psychiatrist, and after discussing my family for a bit I realized it’s no wonder I can’t eat like a normal person. My family is so food-centric, but simultaneously fat-phobic. Clear your plate, don’t eat too much. Here I am, 26 years old and living on my own for eight years, and I still can’t feed myself properly. I have no idea what a proper portion size is for real food, and am incapable of eating junk food without binging. I’m trying to just think of food as fuel instead of focusing so much on calories and whatnot, but goddamn it’s hard. I guess that’s why I started this blog. I can’t be the only one out there who is trying desperately to avoid a relapse while simultaneously having no fucking clue what they’re doing.

I started running at the beginning of this month. It started out as just a way to get exercise, to burn calories, but I’m actually starting to enjoy it. I like seeing myself get faster, and run longer, and proving to myself that I can be disciplined about something and stick with it, rather than trying and quitting a different thing every week. But it seems to be making the eating more complicated.

I try to log my food so I know if I’m eating too much or too little. However, when I run, I know I’m burning more calories, but how much more food am I supposed to eat? I don’t want to be one of those people who gets fatter when they start exercising because they overestimate their calorie burn, but I also know that if I don’t eat enough I won’t have the energy to run the next day, and my muscles won’t get to heal from my workouts, and yada yada yada. So I try to eat. But then I’m obsessed with eating only healthy things – smoothies, salads, grilled chicken with veg. Throw a cookie in there and well fuck it, the day is ruined and I might as well eat ALL the things.

And don’t even get me started on stress and anxiety. When I’m anxious I binge; when I’m stressed I starve. Yes, they are two separate emotions. Running is supposedly helpful for that, so there’s another reason to keep it up. I just want to be healthy for once. I want to eat three real meals a day, maybe even some snacks (!), and not have my weight fluctuate by 10 pounds every month or so. Seriously, I’ve probably gained and lost the same 10 pounds 50 times. Can one’s weight really be maintained without any extremes? Or are all those people with the rocking bodies just as fucked up as I am?

I’d like to think it’s possible, to look good and eat normally. But I’m also afraid that if I do eat “normally” I’ll end up gaining weight from all the damage I’m sure I’ve done to my metabolism over the years. And as much as I want to be normal, I don’t know if I’m willing to be fat to achieve that. Although honestly I have no real clue what my body looks like anyway – every time I look in the mirror I have a different reaction, even within the same day. Hell, I could be fat already, who knows. I try not to weigh myself too much so I don’t get obsessive, but then of course I just assume the worst. If I do weigh, I do it on Wednesdays, which would be tomorrow – I’m afraid to get on the scale because what if I’ve gained?

Arghhhhh… hopefully someone out there gets it, because god knows no one in my real life does.