Tag Archives: depression

Lost

Sometimes I want to recover. Sometimes I want to say “fuck it” and eat whatever I want without thinking about fat or calories or any of that. Sometimes I eat dessert, and then want another dessert so I have something else. Sometimes I think I look “good enough” and consider just buying larger pants. 

But sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I can’t imagine giving up control of my diet. Sometimes I can’t bring myself to eat even 1000 calories in a day. Sometimes I feel immense guilt for not working out. Sometimes I look in the mirror and hate everything I see. Sometimes I can’t even wear a normally-fitting t-shirt, never mind something form-fitting. 

So what do I do? Am I making progress? When I think of 10 years ago, bawling on the phone to my girlfriend because I couldn’t make myself eat some peas after fasting for four days, I think I’m doing much better. When I think of where I was nine years ago, binging and purging over a dozen times a day, I think I’m almost normal. But when I think of 13 years ago, before I ever started “dieting,” I think I’m pathetic. 

Maybe I’ll be actually recovered in another ten years. Hopefully I make it that long. 

I feel like my body hates me 

I’m trying, I really am. I’m trying to eat healthy, from a variety of food groups and not too much junk. But rather than make me feel better, I’m practically crawling out of my skin. I feel fat, and ugly, and like no one likes me, and like I’m not that smart, and I’m definitely not special or interesting. So much of my life has been based around ED for so long, I don’t know what to do without it. And let’s be honest, I don’t necessarily give a shit about being “normal,” I just want to be thin. 

The bigger they are the harder they fall

I’ve been doing well. Like, working out fairly consistently, eating three meals and maybe a snack but all well-balanced, not eating massive amounts of junk, etc. But then yesterday (Friday – I don’t care that it’s technically 1am on Sunday now) I b/p-ed on a whole bag of peanut butter M&Ms at work, and today I just ate junk all day and only actually ate two meals. I also haven’t worked out since Tuesday or Wednesday. So okay two days won’t undo a whole weeks worth of progress right? Except I can already see it. My fingers are puffy, my stomach is bloated, my skin is breaking out, and of course I just feel huge and gross. Sometimes I almost wish I was back in my ED full-blown, like b/p every day multiple times bad, bc then at least then I’d know why I felt like shit, why I was miserable, why I couldn’t stick to a meal plan – I had ED to blame it all on. But now, I’m supposedly in recovery, and I still hate my body, I still want to cry half the time, I still obsess over food and can’t stop eating junk once I start, and I still struggle to wake up every morning. It’s like, what am I fighting so hard to get??

Weight goals are stupid

I distinctly remamber sitting in a therapist’s office six years ago telling her if I could just get back down to 127lbs I think that would be perfect. I also remember being in my college dorm room 10 years ago (Jesus I’m old) seeing the scale hit 120lbs and being absolutely horrified at how fat I’d gotten. I remember when this all started 12 years ago; I’d hit 124lbs after losing some weight just due to general busyness and thought I looked fucking amazing. I remember when the scale got stuck at 111lbs and I cried because I thought I’d never get to be skinny. 

Now I’m 127lbs and I feel like a fat slob. I think 124lbs would be okay but I’d really like to get back to 120lbs. I see old pics of myself st 110lbs and am able to acknowledge that maybe I was a little thin and at any rate that isn’t a sustainable weight for me long-term. I wonder what 17-year old me would think of me now. I know 19-year old me would think I was huge, and 22-year old me would think I was skinny. And of course 27-year old me would just wonder and despair at what happened, how I got stuck at this higher weight after remaining exactly 122lbs for the last four years. 

I wish I could go back to that 16/17-year old mindset, where I rarely thought about calories, was active because it was fun rather than to burn off my food, and always thought I looked hot and obviously everyone wished they could fuck me. I wish I wasn’t so fixated on a number, didn’t care about buying a larger size, didn’t let my entire mood be dictated by how flat or not my stomach was. It almost doesn’t even matter that I rarely purge anymore; I’m still just as miserable as when I was b/p-ing 10 times a day. To all those who have supposedly recovered completely, how did you get past this mental shit??

PMA

Positive Mental Attitude. (What is that from? It’s driving me crazy.) 

I’m trying anyway. I was thinking of throwing out my scale – it’s just making me feel worse about myself. I’ve been working out on the reg, I try to follow a 80/20 diet, and my pants are starting to fit again – I can even see some abs! But yet, my scale says I’m still fat, that I haven’t lost anything and have even gained a few lbs depending on when I’m comparing from. 
So fuck that shit. 

But at the same time, what if I do finally lose these stubborn 10 lbs? If I have no scale I’ll never know and I won’t get the satisfaction of seeming the number I want. 

I’m sure I’m not the only one with this dilemma – how did you make the decision?

Cuz I’m never, ever, ever… Getting better?

I really am trying to recover. I’m working out moderately, eating at least three meals a day (actual meals, not a piece of fruit and Diet Coke like I used to do), and even allowing some “bad” foods into my diet. But it seems like I can only ever get three days in a row before I fuck up in some way – binging, restricting, over-exercising, not exercising at all, or, in the case of today, b/p-ing at work. And then that b/p lead to skipping my afternoon walk (or maybe skipping the walk lead to the b/p?) and continuing to be lazy and eat shit at home. I’m trying to shake it off and just get back on track tomorrow, but in the back of my head I’m like “oh I’m going to be out tomorrow evening I can restrict dinner and burn extra cals.” I don’t know how to break this cycle 😦