Tag Archives: lazy

Sorry I’ve been gone so long. 

I have just been doing absolutely nothing fitness- or diet-wise since my wedding almost three months ago and I guess I didn’t want to come on here and publicly admit defeat. 

Literally, nothing. I haven’t run a single mile, and have pretty much been stuffing my face nonstop with all the shit I was trying not to eat before my wedding (even tho I wasn’t even totally successful then either). 

My clothes don’t fit right; I’m too self-conscious to wear anything remotely form-fitting, and I want to cry every time I look in the mirror. But yet, I can’t seem to motivate myself to do anything about it. I’m always in the kitchen looking for food, even if I just ate and I know I’m not hungry, and no matter how many alarms I set in the morning I keep going back to sleep instead of running. 

The last time I got in a funk like this I gained 20 goddamn pounds; I cannot let that happen again! Some people lose their appetite when they’re depressed – I am not one of those people. But I already take meds and see a shrink; I don’t know what else to do here. Any suggestions? 

I thought maybe it was bc after finishing grad school and getting married I had nothing productive to focus on, but I’ve been taking online classes in computer science (for free!) and that hasn’t helped. But not taking classes doesn’t help either so it’s not due to stress.

Someone help me please!

Depressed

sorry I’ve been kind of MIA lately; it’s not that I didn’t have anything to say but rather I just haven’t had the energy to write. 

I’ve sunk into another depression and I’m feeling pretty stuck. I can’t sleep (hence the midnight post) but I’m tired all the time. I only want to eat junk food and I have no energy or motivation to work out or run. I’m forgetting to do everything on my to-do list and my house is a mess. I haven’t paid any bills that aren’t on auto-pay in like two months, and work is giving me a panic attack. 

I don’t know how to get out of this funk. I’d make an apt with my shrink, but getting set up with my new insurance and her new facility is one of the things on my to-do list that I keep forgetting to do. 

It seems like it should be so simple: buy more healthy snacks and less junk; get outside for a quick run; engage in relaxing activities. But i can’t. It literally seems impossible right now. I want to cry, but even that seems like too much work. 

*sigh* maybe I’m just not meant to be happy. 

I just want to be happy. 

That’s all I want. I feel like if I could figure out how to do that, everything else would fall into place. I wouldn’t keep binging if I wasn’t turning to food for comfort. I would exercise if I wasn’t too depressed to get out of bed. I would make love to my husband if I didn’t feel so disgusting and like I wanted to cry all the time. But I just can’t seem to do it. I don’t know how. I’ve been depressed pretty much as long as I can remember. I feel like I need to start completely from scratch but I don’t know where to start. Help?

Blob. 

So I’ve basically spent every day since my wedding being lazy and eating junk food (including, but not limited to, a lot of cake). I know I must have gained at least five pounds, and I’m really concerned that my lack of running is going to prevent me from finishing my 10k in two weeks. I still have never ran 6 miles. I’m going to do it tomorrow. Either that or b/p – which unfortunately seems like a better option than continuing to stuff my face without purging, and I can’t seem to stop stuffing my face. 

I’m supposed to be in another wedding in like two months and all I can think is thank god the bride is plus-sized bc otherwise I’d totally be the fattest one by then. Does that make me a bad person? Probably. Being a DNF for my race will be my karma 😦

I give up

it just WONT STOP SNOWING. I can’t run and my race is going to be here in three weeks. I can’t even run three miles right now; I’m going to make a fool out of myself and waste my money. It’s really depressing me and making me just want to say fuck it and stuff my face. Either that or just starve myself so at least if I’m a slug I won’t be a fat slug. 

The hubs doesn’t understand at all. He’s like “why do you let it bother you so much, you’ll be fine” – I can barely do two miles, never mind three, and I have three weeks to get both my distance and my speed back up to race standards. I thought running was supposed to make me feel better, not give me one more thing to have anxiety about. 

And besides that, I just need some fucking sunshine. 

I feel like a failure

Every time I set a goal I don’t meet it. I wanted to be in good shape for my fitting next week, but I haven’t run once all month and haven’t managed to go more than 24 hours without eating some sort of junk food – I’m even craving it now as I write this!

March is no excuses, bc if I don’t run then I’m never going to be able to do my race in April. Maybe that’s it – I always put shit off until I absolutely *have* to do it. The wedding isn’t for three more months – Hubs and I are finally making this shit legal after two years of just walking around with a ring on – so maybe I’ll finally get serious with my diet in May. They can take the dress in a whole size two weeks before the big day, right? :/

I’ll also be done with school then, and I always stress-eat while studying/doing homework. So note to self: no more school. Three degrees is enough.

I never did get around to calling my shrink to up my meds, and I feel like now it’s too late for that as well. Antidepressants always take like 3-4 weeks to kick in, so by the time I adjusted to the higher dose it would be spring and I wouldn’t have to deal with SAD so much anyway.

I fucking hate living in New England. Half of me wishes the hubs had been disgusted with my bulimia when we met – because it was full-blown bulimia at that point, I’d completely given up on restricting and just b/p’ed all day every day – and our relationship hadn’t gone anywhere, we never moved in together or bought a house or any of that shit. Then I could have moved somewhere warm like I wanted to and not had to deal with the added burden of SAD on top of everything else. But the other half of me loves him and couldn’t imagine life without him and I know he’ll never leave, so I guess I’m just doomed to be miserable for at least a quarter of every year.

Ugh I sound like such a whiney little bitch.