Tag Archives: feelings

Hypocrite

It’s been a really weird day and it’s barely noon.

This morning I saw a post from a Facebook group I’m in, in which a woman asked if she would gain 10 lbs from her binge the night before. I immediately commented that 12 years of therapy has taught me that she will not, no matter what ED says. Then I had a low-carb breakfast and went on my way, feeling like maybe I was getting better after all.

Then I got to work. It’s one of my coworker’s birthdays, so there are cupcakes sitting in the middle of the office for us to just take. I was like, what the hell, I like cupcakes, and I had one. And then I felt shitty, physically. TBH, I’ve been restricting a lot lately and not eating any added sugar, so I think my body was just in shock. But I sat around feeling icky and eventually was like what the hell, let’s have another – that old black and white thinking kicking in, equating any “bad” food with a ruined day.

So then I’m sitting here feeling like a fat pig when one of my coworkers, who I had kind of a fling with 10 years ago, came up to say goodbye before he moves across the country. I’m not sure how to act and so it’s super awkward. Then he leaves and I’m feeling like I fucked that up, and combined with the cupcakes I couldn’t deal with my feelings anymore and decided to purge. But I couldn’t. I stood over that toilet jamming a pen into the back of my throat for at least five minutes and only got the tiniest little bit out. It’s like my body was desperately trying to hold onto the calories.

When I got back to my desk I realized that I probably just hadn’t had enough water today, which always makes purging difficult. So I drank some water. And now I have a stomach ache and would like to try to purge again but I decided to write this blog post instead. No promises that I won’t change my mind in 15 minutes, but it’s a start.

I was going to eat lunch today but I guess now that I’m full of cupcakes I can’t. I’m not going to stuff myself further; then I’ll definitely need to purge. Ironically, I’m sitting here thinking I’m gaining 5 lbs after two cupcakes, four hours after telling the woman on FB that she wouldn’t. What a hypocrite. At least I was able to make the connection between eating sugar and feeling shitty; maybe that’ll keep me from giving in to temptation next time. *sigh*

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Triggers

So less than two hours after writing my last post I started to binge. So far it’s only been half a bag of chips and ⅔ a bag of Oreos, but I’m really fighting the urge to purge. Honestly I probably would have done it already except I have wet grout in my bathroom and I don’t want to fuck it up. 

But that’s not the point of this post. Well not in regards to this individual episode, anyway. But it got my thinking about what triggers this. How can I be totally fine one day and totally out of control the next? Or even within the course of a single day? So I thought I’d try to list my triggers. Here’s what I have so far:

  1. Talking/writing/thinking about past behaviors
  2. Eating one bad thing (starts the “fuck it” mentality)
  3. When my husband is passed out drunk
  4. Feeling overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to do
  5. Feeling pressure to be perfect in all of said things (even tho the pressure only comes from myself)
  6. Being bored 
  7. Thinking about my weight/body size/shape
  8. Being at home (lack of routine)
  9. Visiting my parents/in-laws
  10. Feeling lonely/sad/anxious
  11. Knowing there’s junk in the house
  12. Going grocery shopping 
  13. Being hungry (and not wanting to be)
  14. Being full 
  15. Being thirsty
  16. Knowing an event is coming up
  17. Social gatherings 
  18. Being cold/tired

Good grief, no wonder I can’t stop. 

Triggers

So less than two hours after writing my last post I started to binge. So far it’s only been half a bag of chips and ⅔ a bag of Oreos, but I’m really fighting the urge to purge. Honestly I probably would have done it already except I have wet grout in my bathroom and I don’t want to fuck it up. 

But that’s not the point of this post. Well not in regards to this individual episode, anyway. But it got my thinking about what triggers this. How can I be totally fine one day and totally out of control the next? Or even within the course of a single day? So I thought I’d try to list my triggers. Here’s what I have so far:

  1. Talking/writing/thinking about past behaviors
  2. Eating one bad thing (starts the “fuck it” mentality)
  3. When my husband is passed out drunk
  4. Feeling overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to do
  5. Feeling pressure to be perfect in all of said things (even tho the pressure only comes from myself)
  6. Being bored 
  7. Thinking about my weight/body size/shape
  8. Being at home (lack of routine)
  9. Visiting my parents/in-laws
  10. Feeling lonely/sad/anxious
  11. Knowing there’s junk in the house
  12. Going grocery shopping 
  13. Being hungry (and not wanting to be)
  14. Being full 
  15. Being thirsty
  16. Knowing an event is coming up
  17. Social gatherings 
  18. Being cold/tired

Good grief, no wonder I can’t stop. 

Triggers

So less than two hours after writing my last post I started to binge. So far it’s only been half a bag of chips and ⅔ a bag of Oreos, but I’m really fighting the urge to purge. Honestly I probably would have done it already except I have wet grout in my bathroom and I don’t want to fuck it up. 

But that’s not the point of this post. Well not in regards to this individual episode, anyway. But it got my thinking about what triggers this. How can I be totally fine one day and totally out of control the next? Or even within the course of a single day? So I thought I’d try to list my triggers. Here’s what I have so far:

  1. Talking/writing/thinking about past behaviors
  2. Eating one bad thing (starts the “fuck it” mentality)
  3. When my husband is passed out drunk
  4. Feeling overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to do
  5. Feeling pressure to be perfect in all of said things (even tho the pressure only comes from myself)
  6. Being bored 
  7. Thinking about my weight/body size/shape
  8. Being at home (lack of routine)
  9. Visiting my parents/in-laws
  10. Feeling lonely/sad/anxious
  11. Knowing there’s junk in the house
  12. Going grocery shopping 
  13. Being hungry (and not wanting to be)
  14. Being full 
  15. Being thirsty
  16. Knowing an event is coming up
  17. Social gatherings 
  18. Being cold/tired

Good grief, no wonder I can’t stop. 

A-ha moment

Just had an a-ha moment in regards to one reason why I binge. I’ve always known it has to do with feeling overwhelmed or out of control; it’s like a little way of saying “fuck you, I’ll eat all the things I’m not ‘supposed’ to eat just because I CAN.” But sometimes I don’t feel like that fits – I’m not doing anything really stressful; just sitting on the couch – until tonight when it clicked.

My husband is an alcoholic. We’ve had conversations and screaming matches, I’ve made graphs and bawled my eyes out, but nothing ever changes. And so I guess that aspect of my life is ALWAYS out of control, leading to random urges – urges that get irresistible when he’s passed out on the couch before 9pm. So tonight I binged on ice cream, chips, and bagels. I feel disgusted with myself both physically and mentally, but it’s slightly helpful to have figured out a piece of the puzzle.

I’m too old for this shit

After like seven years together, my shrink is moving to St. Louis. She wants me to get set up with someone new before our last appt next month. But I don’t want to. I’ve been doing this shit for half my life, and I am fucking tired of it. I’m so goddamn tired of caring so much about the numbers on the scale and on my pants. I am so goddamn tired of my self esteem being inversely correlated to the number of calories I eat each day. I’ll begrudgingly call my PCP’s office and ask for a referral a few days before I see my shrink for the last time only because I need someone to keep writing my prescriptions. But I don’t want to start over working through my issues. I don’t want to start over trying to be happy when it’s February and I haven’t seen the sun in a week and I’m eating a pint of Ben & Jerry’s for lunch. I just want to be a fucking normal 30 year old. I’m too old for this shit. 

Science

I often wonder if scientific exploration of EDs do more harm than good. Like I know I sometimes exhibit traits of Aspergers, but getting an actual diagnosis of an intellectual disorder like that would cause my self esteem to plummet. I need to think I’m normal with some minor issues; anything else sends me into a spiral of hopelessness. I often imagine my “normal” coworkers talking about my craziness and it makes me want to be more stringent in my eating so as to at least have control over something in my life. I actually bought diet pills the other day in the hopes of losing 5-10 lbs – hoping that if I can at least get my weight on track I can play like I have my life on track. I don’t know how to get out of this spiral. Help?