Anyone else ever get triggered by someone acting on their own addiction, even if it’s not food? Every time my husband passes out drunk on the couch I spend the rest of the night binging, usually ending with a purge. I’m never actually hungry, and sometimes I’m almost full already, but I literally can’t stop eating until there’s nothing left to eat. I can’t figure out if his drinking actually triggers me in some way, or if I’m using food to cope because I’m upset about it, or if him being passsed out is just a convenient time for me to binge in peace and purge without being caught. Whatever the reason, now I’m left feeling disgusting and like a failure.
I am close to a breakdown. I can feel it. I’ve been binging all day, couldn’t muster the energy to go outside even though it was freaking gorgeous, and just keep wanting to cry. I feel like a giant whale, even though I know I look thin from photos taken yesterday and comments by relatives.
I thought writing would make me feel better but I literally can’t think of anything to say that isn’t completely self-depreciating and awful. I’ll just sum it up simply: Failure.
Every Year on my bday I think maybe this is the year I outgrow my eating disorder, maybe this is the year I leave all the bullshit and terrible eating habits and body image issues and general unhealthiness behind me. It never is. So of course this bday I spent the whole day binging and ended with a great big purge. Then today I binged all day again. Fuck.
I don’t have anything else to say. I’m trying to sit with my fullness and not go purge again but no promises. Can I have a redo?
I want to purge I want to purge I want to purge I want to purge I want to purge.
I’m so full and overwhelmed and fat; purging would fix all of that.
But I want to run in the morning and I know I won’t have the strength if I purge tonight.
I wish I had some laxatives; maybe I would feel better if I could just fucking shit. I’ve eaten way too goddamn much these past few days and I just want it all OUT.
Fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat.
Piggy piggy piggy piggy piggy.
Oink oink oink oink oink.
Lazy slug lazy slug lazy slug.
Disgusting. Weak. Useless. Worthless. Hopeless.
I don’t know if this is ED or if it’s true – I think probably both. All I’ve been doing is stuffing my face and not exercising so I am getting fat by being a piggy and being a lazy slug. I do feel disgusting and weak and worthless and hopeless. But ED is so mean about it. There’s no solutions, no baby steps, no “well congratulations on at least not purging!” So that makes me feel worse and all I want to do is curl up and eat my feelings and cry.
Sometimes friends need to lie to make each other feel better. “You’re not lazy; you’re just busy doing other things.” ED would never say that. ED is not my friend. So why do I keep listening??
So I didn’t really eat much today – a smoothie for breakfast, an iced tea for lunch, an apple for snack. But then dinner came and I was starving so I said, “you know what, I’m eating a real meal.” And I ate a giant bowl of leftover seafood fri diavlo with linguini and only felt a little bit guilty. So my daytime eating habits were fucked, but I think my attitude at night makes up for it a bit right?
But then I got some really shitty news – long story not for this blog – and I’ve been crawling out of my skin ever since. I want to binge, I want to purge, I want to run for hours. I finally took a Klonopin, but even that’s not really helping. Hence why I’m on here blogging instead of working on my final paper or doing anything productive.
I think after being stressed to the max all day every day at work, I just have nothing left for additional angst when I’m home. So I can’t deal and want to turn to behaviors. I’ll have to discuss this with my shrink next week. I think I need a higher dose for emergencies like this.
Ugh I really need to get back to this paper… I’m just having such a hard time caring lately. I don’t want to do schoolwork. I don’t want to go out and socialize. I just want to sit on the couch in my sweatpants and fuck around on the Internet.
I’m already taking 300mgs of Wellbutrin, exercising, and getting proper sleep; I don’t know what else to do about these blues. It might be time to pull the light box out. I hate pretty much all of now through the middle of April. And now I’m just rambling.