Just had an a-ha moment in regards to one reason why I binge. I’ve always known it has to do with feeling overwhelmed or out of control; it’s like a little way of saying “fuck you, I’ll eat all the things I’m not ‘supposed’ to eat just because I CAN.” But sometimes I don’t feel like that fits – I’m not doing anything really stressful; just sitting on the couch – until tonight when it clicked.
My husband is an alcoholic. We’ve had conversations and screaming matches, I’ve made graphs and bawled my eyes out, but nothing ever changes. And so I guess that aspect of my life is ALWAYS out of control, leading to random urges – urges that get irresistible when he’s passed out on the couch before 9pm. So tonight I binged on ice cream, chips, and bagels. I feel disgusted with myself both physically and mentally, but it’s slightly helpful to have figured out a piece of the puzzle.
After like seven years together, my shrink is moving to St. Louis. She wants me to get set up with someone new before our last appt next month. But I don’t want to. I’ve been doing this shit for half my life, and I am fucking tired of it. I’m so goddamn tired of caring so much about the numbers on the scale and on my pants. I am so goddamn tired of my self esteem being inversely correlated to the number of calories I eat each day. I’ll begrudgingly call my PCP’s office and ask for a referral a few days before I see my shrink for the last time only because I need someone to keep writing my prescriptions. But I don’t want to start over working through my issues. I don’t want to start over trying to be happy when it’s February and I haven’t seen the sun in a week and I’m eating a pint of Ben & Jerry’s for lunch. I just want to be a fucking normal 30 year old. I’m too old for this shit.
I often wonder if scientific exploration of EDs do more harm than good. Like I know I sometimes exhibit traits of Aspergers, but getting an actual diagnosis of an intellectual disorder like that would cause my self esteem to plummet. I need to think I’m normal with some minor issues; anything else sends me into a spiral of hopelessness. I often imagine my “normal” coworkers talking about my craziness and it makes me want to be more stringent in my eating so as to at least have control over something in my life. I actually bought diet pills the other day in the hopes of losing 5-10 lbs – hoping that if I can at least get my weight on track I can play like I have my life on track. I don’t know how to get out of this spiral. Help?
Anyone else ever get triggered by someone acting on their own addiction, even if it’s not food? Every time my husband passes out drunk on the couch I spend the rest of the night binging, usually ending with a purge. I’m never actually hungry, and sometimes I’m almost full already, but I literally can’t stop eating until there’s nothing left to eat. I can’t figure out if his drinking actually triggers me in some way, or if I’m using food to cope because I’m upset about it, or if him being passsed out is just a convenient time for me to binge in peace and purge without being caught. Whatever the reason, now I’m left feeling disgusting and like a failure.
I am close to a breakdown. I can feel it. I’ve been binging all day, couldn’t muster the energy to go outside even though it was freaking gorgeous, and just keep wanting to cry. I feel like a giant whale, even though I know I look thin from photos taken yesterday and comments by relatives.
I thought writing would make me feel better but I literally can’t think of anything to say that isn’t completely self-depreciating and awful. I’ll just sum it up simply: Failure.
Every Year on my bday I think maybe this is the year I outgrow my eating disorder, maybe this is the year I leave all the bullshit and terrible eating habits and body image issues and general unhealthiness behind me. It never is. So of course this bday I spent the whole day binging and ended with a great big purge. Then today I binged all day again. Fuck.
I don’t have anything else to say. I’m trying to sit with my fullness and not go purge again but no promises. Can I have a redo?
I want to purge I want to purge I want to purge I want to purge I want to purge.
I’m so full and overwhelmed and fat; purging would fix all of that.
But I want to run in the morning and I know I won’t have the strength if I purge tonight.
I wish I had some laxatives; maybe I would feel better if I could just fucking shit. I’ve eaten way too goddamn much these past few days and I just want it all OUT.