Tag Archives: starve

Brains

The worst part about being a well-educated person with an ED is I know how goddamn stupid it is. I know that heavy restriction will eventually lead to binging and regaining the weight, and I know I’m losing mostly muscle and gaining mostly fat, and I know I’m probably less metabolically healthy than a lot of people with 40lbs on me, and I know eating 500cals of fat-free candy is actually worse than eating 800 cals of real food cooked in olive oil, and I know that purging won’t get rid of all the calories, but I can’t shake the need to engage in these behaviors. I understand that it’s not physically possible to gain 10lbs of actual fat overnight, but that doesn’t make me obsess over the possibility any less. I acknowledge that my weight is less than that of most Americans, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like the fattest personality in the room. And then I feel stupid and ridiculous because I know that I can educate myself all I want but it won’t matter because ED isn’t logical or rational and doesn’t care how smart I might be. Worse yet, I know that eventually ED will take my mind too because the brain doesn’t care what size my pants are if that means it doesn’t get the nutrition it needs, but ED is just the opposite.

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Lost

Sometimes I want to recover. Sometimes I want to say “fuck it” and eat whatever I want without thinking about fat or calories or any of that. Sometimes I eat dessert, and then want another dessert so I have something else. Sometimes I think I look “good enough” and consider just buying larger pants. 

But sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I can’t imagine giving up control of my diet. Sometimes I can’t bring myself to eat even 1000 calories in a day. Sometimes I feel immense guilt for not working out. Sometimes I look in the mirror and hate everything I see. Sometimes I can’t even wear a normally-fitting t-shirt, never mind something form-fitting. 

So what do I do? Am I making progress? When I think of 10 years ago, bawling on the phone to my girlfriend because I couldn’t make myself eat some peas after fasting for four days, I think I’m doing much better. When I think of where I was nine years ago, binging and purging over a dozen times a day, I think I’m almost normal. But when I think of 13 years ago, before I ever started “dieting,” I think I’m pathetic. 

Maybe I’ll be actually recovered in another ten years. Hopefully I make it that long. 

Attitude. 

I find it so strange how some days I have massive anxiety about every calorie, and some days I don’t care at all. This morning I was 125, which is more than I’d like but less than I was expecting, but rather than be encouraged to keep with the program I was like “I’m PMSing, let’s eat all the chocolates and drink the wine and not care.” But I will care in the morning when I get on the scale again. I will care this weekend when my husband wants to go to the beach and I can’t imagine wearing a bikini. I will care next week when it’s June and I’ve sworn off all processed snacks because I’m too fat. I will care when I’m trying to dress nicely for work and none of my pants fit. So why is it so hard to care in the moment? I know food won’t actually make things better long  run, so why do I always give in in the short term? 

Admitting defeat

I’m starting to think it isn’t possible to be thin and healthy at the same time. I’ve been trying to eat balanced meals and allow treats and now I’m back gaining weight again. So I fucking give up. I’ll binge this week and starve next week. That’s the only way I ever maintained my weight before so fuck it. I have to think my mental health is just as if not more important than my physical health, and I’m about to have a goddamn breakdown if my clothes don’t start fitting again so there’s that. Whatever. Ugh. So frustrated. 

I’ve been absent 

But I have a reason. I started feeling like I had this persona I needed to maintain and it started to become too much pressure. Also I didn’t want to admit I failed. 

I gained eight pounds after my wedding, from just non-stop eating and no exercise. But I’ve since lost it and seem to have figured out a method of weight loss/control that works for me (and yes I know it’s not healthy but I’m trying here). I restrict and exercise all week and binge on the weekend. 

I feel like this wouldn’t be an issue if it wasn’t this time of year. We bought so much candy for halloween and then got no trick-or-treaters, so it’s been all candy all the time. And since I can’t eat just a little candy, it’s all or nothing. 

I have to wonder why my husband wanted to buy so much candy. We live on a dead-end street with like no kids; he can’t have thought we would really give it all out. I feel like he’s trying to sabotage my weight loss; like he knows I’m not going to eat a lot of normal food so he buys the one thing I’ll always binge on. 

But now the candy is gone (I ate most of the good stuff and am taking the rest to work tomorrow) and I can focus on restricting. We’re going to France in two weeks and I have to be skinny like those women. I’m hoping being there will help me get my shit under control – like they eat croissants and cheese and shit but still stay skinny bc obviously they eat small portions. I have two weeks; hopefully I can get thin enough to start and then maintain using their methods. 

This is stupid, right? They just had a terrorist attack and I’m admiring them for being thin and glamorous. I’m pathetic. 

Fitness

so I realized today that I have no idea how to be fit and healthy. I’m always either on a weight-loss diet, which leads to poor fitness performance, or I’m binging, which is not healthy. I’m still stuck in the mindset of running to burn calories instead of running to improve my physical fitness (and can’t seem to separate “fitness” from”thinness” either). I’m not trying to gain weight – I’m technically in the “normal” weight range, so I don’t need to either – but I can’t for the life of me figure out how to eat healthy without restricting and I know it’s interfering with my race training. But a junk-food diet also is impeding my progress , so I don’t know how to find my happy medium. Anyone had this issue before and have any advice? I’m hoping once I’m done with grad school (in one month!) I’ll stop stress-eating so much, but that doesn’t help with the restriction half. 

Overwhelmed

I have way too much going on right now. ED is my escape. When I’m buried with work, starving makes me feel calm and in control. When I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing, I fall back into the familiar routine of binge and purge. When I feel like things are out of control, I become very regimented with eating and exercise. 

I know all this. I know there are better ways to cope. I know I could probably focus better at work if I wasn’t starving. I know I’d be able to figure things out and get shit done if I wasn’t spending so much time binging and purging. And I know I’d feel more in control of I wasn’t letting ED control me. 

I know all this, but I can’t let go. It’s like a security blanket – when everything else is crazy and overwhelming, I can just focus on food and weight. 

I’d say I need a therapist but I don’t think I can handle having one more thing I need to do each week. 

It’s supposed to snow in the morning; I have four alarms set for my run.