Tag Archives: starve

Lost

Sometimes I want to recover. Sometimes I want to say “fuck it” and eat whatever I want without thinking about fat or calories or any of that. Sometimes I eat dessert, and then want another dessert so I have something else. Sometimes I think I look “good enough” and consider just buying larger pants. 

But sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I can’t imagine giving up control of my diet. Sometimes I can’t bring myself to eat even 1000 calories in a day. Sometimes I feel immense guilt for not working out. Sometimes I look in the mirror and hate everything I see. Sometimes I can’t even wear a normally-fitting t-shirt, never mind something form-fitting. 

So what do I do? Am I making progress? When I think of 10 years ago, bawling on the phone to my girlfriend because I couldn’t make myself eat some peas after fasting for four days, I think I’m doing much better. When I think of where I was nine years ago, binging and purging over a dozen times a day, I think I’m almost normal. But when I think of 13 years ago, before I ever started “dieting,” I think I’m pathetic. 

Maybe I’ll be actually recovered in another ten years. Hopefully I make it that long. 

Attitude. 

I find it so strange how some days I have massive anxiety about every calorie, and some days I don’t care at all. This morning I was 125, which is more than I’d like but less than I was expecting, but rather than be encouraged to keep with the program I was like “I’m PMSing, let’s eat all the chocolates and drink the wine and not care.” But I will care in the morning when I get on the scale again. I will care this weekend when my husband wants to go to the beach and I can’t imagine wearing a bikini. I will care next week when it’s June and I’ve sworn off all processed snacks because I’m too fat. I will care when I’m trying to dress nicely for work and none of my pants fit. So why is it so hard to care in the moment? I know food won’t actually make things better long  run, so why do I always give in in the short term? 

Admitting defeat

I’m starting to think it isn’t possible to be thin and healthy at the same time. I’ve been trying to eat balanced meals and allow treats and now I’m back gaining weight again. So I fucking give up. I’ll binge this week and starve next week. That’s the only way I ever maintained my weight before so fuck it. I have to think my mental health is just as if not more important than my physical health, and I’m about to have a goddamn breakdown if my clothes don’t start fitting again so there’s that. Whatever. Ugh. So frustrated. 

I’ve been absent 

But I have a reason. I started feeling like I had this persona I needed to maintain and it started to become too much pressure. Also I didn’t want to admit I failed. 

I gained eight pounds after my wedding, from just non-stop eating and no exercise. But I’ve since lost it and seem to have figured out a method of weight loss/control that works for me (and yes I know it’s not healthy but I’m trying here). I restrict and exercise all week and binge on the weekend. 

I feel like this wouldn’t be an issue if it wasn’t this time of year. We bought so much candy for halloween and then got no trick-or-treaters, so it’s been all candy all the time. And since I can’t eat just a little candy, it’s all or nothing. 

I have to wonder why my husband wanted to buy so much candy. We live on a dead-end street with like no kids; he can’t have thought we would really give it all out. I feel like he’s trying to sabotage my weight loss; like he knows I’m not going to eat a lot of normal food so he buys the one thing I’ll always binge on. 

But now the candy is gone (I ate most of the good stuff and am taking the rest to work tomorrow) and I can focus on restricting. We’re going to France in two weeks and I have to be skinny like those women. I’m hoping being there will help me get my shit under control – like they eat croissants and cheese and shit but still stay skinny bc obviously they eat small portions. I have two weeks; hopefully I can get thin enough to start and then maintain using their methods. 

This is stupid, right? They just had a terrorist attack and I’m admiring them for being thin and glamorous. I’m pathetic. 

Fitness

so I realized today that I have no idea how to be fit and healthy. I’m always either on a weight-loss diet, which leads to poor fitness performance, or I’m binging, which is not healthy. I’m still stuck in the mindset of running to burn calories instead of running to improve my physical fitness (and can’t seem to separate “fitness” from”thinness” either). I’m not trying to gain weight – I’m technically in the “normal” weight range, so I don’t need to either – but I can’t for the life of me figure out how to eat healthy without restricting and I know it’s interfering with my race training. But a junk-food diet also is impeding my progress , so I don’t know how to find my happy medium. Anyone had this issue before and have any advice? I’m hoping once I’m done with grad school (in one month!) I’ll stop stress-eating so much, but that doesn’t help with the restriction half. 

Overwhelmed

I have way too much going on right now. ED is my escape. When I’m buried with work, starving makes me feel calm and in control. When I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing, I fall back into the familiar routine of binge and purge. When I feel like things are out of control, I become very regimented with eating and exercise. 

I know all this. I know there are better ways to cope. I know I could probably focus better at work if I wasn’t starving. I know I’d be able to figure things out and get shit done if I wasn’t spending so much time binging and purging. And I know I’d feel more in control of I wasn’t letting ED control me. 

I know all this, but I can’t let go. It’s like a security blanket – when everything else is crazy and overwhelming, I can just focus on food and weight. 

I’d say I need a therapist but I don’t think I can handle having one more thing I need to do each week. 

It’s supposed to snow in the morning; I have four alarms set for my run. 

I just want to look how I feel.

Annoyed – I started this entry a while ago and it appears to have been lost as it’s not in my drafts or anything 😦 Nothing is ever as good the second time. But let’s see if I remember where I was…

I gained TEN FUCKING POUNDS in the past two weeks. I am a giant fat blob. And my family says I look so “great” and “healthy” and al that bullshit that I know means they can see I’ve gained and am no longer underweight. Well I don’t want to look great and healthy because I’m NOT. I’m not great, I’m not healthy – I’m fucking miserable and goddamn I just want someone to notice. It is so completely exhausting to pretend everything is perfect all the time. And of course the more people think everything is great the more they come to expect of me and the perfectionist in me just can’t seem to admit that anything is wrong. Well something IS wrong; I’ve been slowly killing myself for almost a decade and have only had anyone show concern ONCE, when I was at my lowest weight way back when I’d only been dealing with this shit for a year. So I guess I need to get back to that weight.

It’s funny, I had almost started to think that maybe there was such a thing as too thin, that I could be happy at a normal/healthy weight and eat regular meals and all that jazz. Ironically, the weight that I now consider way too high is a weight that I would have killed for five years ago when I was mostly binging without purging and got up to my heaviest. But I can’t. I’m an all-or-nothing person, and that applies 100% to my eating. I’m either eating everything or eating nothing, and eating everything will take me way beyond a normal weight. I refuse to buy larger clothes, and have people say “oh she used to be so skinny.” Fuck that. When girls get fat it’s just assumed we’ve “let ourselves go” but that nothing could possibly be wrong – so we’re dismissed as the fat girl who used to be thin but still held to the same expectations in all other aspects of our lives. But if I get back to being really skinny, as I’ve seen in the past, people notice. People care. People want to take care of you and love and nurture you and shelter you from life’s hardships. And most of all, people finally see that no, everything is not okay.

I’m not okay.

I don’t need to be nurtured and fawned over, but jesus would it kill people to act like they gave a shit? Even my fiancé, who sees me gobble up tubes of cookie dough right before I go to “wash up for bed” and then sees me only order a salad when we go out, never asks how I’m doing or shows any concern that something might be wrong. But then again he’s a giant alcoholic so he’s got his own shit to worry about I suppose…

Is this what being a “grown up” means? Being left alone with your shit with no one caring what you’re doing as long as it doesn’t affect them? Well frankly, that’s a load of shit. I want someone to care, and if they won’t do it now then I will fucking make them care.

Going low-carb starting tomorrow. Which basically means I won’t eat much, as I’m already a pescetarian and consist largely off grains (plus peanut butter mmmm). But living a “low-carb lifestyle” is totally acceptable among my circle, so honestly they’ll probably encourage it. Also going to cut back on the morning overtime so I can get back into running before work. And the bag of Reeses that I accidentally left in my desk over the weekend and so couldn’t finish in this last binge will be given to the sweet little cleaning lady who loves chocolate.

Let’s see how long until someone notices ANYTHING.