Tag Archives: ED

Happy fucking thanksgiving

so it’s thanksgiving.

i tried not to care about food. Really, for the past few weeks I’ve been trying not to care. Ive been eating all the sweets, the snacks, the comfort foods. I’ve been trying to tell myself that it’s just ED telling me my pants are getting tighter, my belly rounder, my cheeks squishier. I almost believed my lies. Almost.

but then, thanksgiving. Dinner itself was NBD, but dessert – that has always been the root of all evils for me. we were at his parents, so i tried to distract myself with wine. But in the end I gave in and ate. And ate. And ate. Then we came home, and i ate some more. And some more. And then more – even things I don’t like, just whatever I could get my hands on.

I ate until i was nauseous, and right when I was debating purging, my husband went to bed. So, alone, that question was easily answered by ED.

I’m not as upset about it as i probably should be. It’s been like 7 1/2 months since i last purged, i think. I should be upset about breaking my streak. But honestly, all i feel is relief. Relieved that I got all (some) of the calories out of me; relieved that i no longer feel full; relieved that maybe I won’t be even fatter tomorrow.

i miss ED. I miss being able to restrict, being small, being able to purge when i eat too much. I hate giving into cravings, gaining weight, sitting with my feelings of fullness. I hate that it seems to be one or the other.

i know that i need to say goodbye to ED permanently. I know that i need proper nutrition for my brain to function optimally and for my immune system to do its job. I know that i’m probably still smaller than many people in their 30s. I know that if i go back to ED full-time I’ll be cold, grumpy, and not able to focus on anything else. I know that if i go back to regular b/p-ing my face will swell, i’ll feel huge no matter how much i lose, and i’ll damage my body and my teeth. i know that i was a raving lunatic when i was deepest in my ED (and the drugs that i was doing “to lose weight” were no help with that).

but still. People who’ve never met ED have no idea how strong the feelings can be. How hard they are to fight off. How they’re completely irrational but make sense in a twisted way. How ED tells your rational self to fuck off and your rational self just obeys. I mean, i’ve wished to have fucking cancer just to get that bone-thin look. in the documentary “Thin” one of the girls with bulimia talks about how she joined the military during a time of active conflict (maybe desert storm?) just to go to boot camp and lose weight. To non-ED people that probably sounded nuts. She seemed to realize that it should sound nuts. But my ED side heard it like a suggestion, like if life hadn’t interfered i might have followed her lead. wtf.

phew. it’s been a while since i was on here; I guess i finally had some things to say. Happy thanksgiving, y’all.

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Neverending

Right before class ended (actual class, not finals), I was down to my wedding weight. Now I’m terrified to get on the scale, so I don’t have an exact number, but even my fat pants are too tight so I’ve got to be up 10 lbs.

Luckily the new year starts next week and I go back to class, so hopefully I’ll be able to shed this weight in a month – it’s no longer holiday season so there won’t be that pressure to eat sweets constantly, and I can go back to black coffee for dinner instead of peppermint mocha lattes and all that (delicious) sugary holiday shit.

I wonder if my husband notices? Not that he’d have any right to say anything; he’s gained like 50 lbs in the decade we’ve been together. But does he see my love handles and pouchy belly and jiggly arms and bat wings? I know he’s not into fat chicks, but where does he draw that line? And how thin can I get before he starts to get on my case about eating? God I wish I was a mind-reader.

But anyway, the New Years’ weight loss plan is nothing new. My concern is what happens when the spring semester ends and I’m back home all the time again. Will I just gain it again and be fat until the fall? Will the cycle ever end? Can’t I just find a happy medium and stay there? I honestly feel like I maintained my weight better when I was b/p-ing every day; at least then the net intake was approximately consistent. Now I’m rarely puking (although I did this afternoon, after eating half a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies) but I’m either ingesting 5,000+ calories a day or I’m restricting to 800. This is not sustainable! But when the alternative (daily b/p-ing) is even more harmful, what do I do? I’d rather be sick than fat.

ED is so fucked up.

Overwhelmed

I have way too much going on right now. ED is my escape. When I’m buried with work, starving makes me feel calm and in control. When I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing, I fall back into the familiar routine of binge and purge. When I feel like things are out of control, I become very regimented with eating and exercise. 

I know all this. I know there are better ways to cope. I know I could probably focus better at work if I wasn’t starving. I know I’d be able to figure things out and get shit done if I wasn’t spending so much time binging and purging. And I know I’d feel more in control of I wasn’t letting ED control me. 

I know all this, but I can’t let go. It’s like a security blanket – when everything else is crazy and overwhelming, I can just focus on food and weight. 

I’d say I need a therapist but I don’t think I can handle having one more thing I need to do each week. 

It’s supposed to snow in the morning; I have four alarms set for my run. 

Fat

Fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat.
Piggy piggy piggy piggy piggy.
Oink oink oink oink oink.
Lazy slug lazy slug lazy slug.
Disgusting. Weak. Useless. Worthless. Hopeless.

I don’t know if this is ED or if it’s true – I think probably both. All I’ve been doing is stuffing my face and not exercising so I am getting fat by being a piggy and being a lazy slug. I do feel disgusting and weak and worthless and hopeless. But ED is so mean about it. There’s no solutions, no baby steps, no “well congratulations on at least not purging!” So that makes me feel worse and all I want to do is curl up and eat my feelings and cry.

Sometimes friends need to lie to make each other feel better. “You’re not lazy; you’re just busy doing other things.” ED would never say that. ED is not my friend. So why do I keep listening??