I try to enjoy it; I really do. I even start to feel festive by the time I wake up thanksgiving morning. Unfortunately, by the time I’m laying in bed that night, as now, I loathe both the holiday and myself. Why can’t I just eat a normal meal? Why do I get full so quickly on actual food but then have seven desserts? (Literally, seven.) I have zero desire to eat tomorrow and hope I can get to at least dinner without doing so. Thank goodness it’s back to a regular schedule next week and I can heavily restrict three days and at least skip lunch the other two. Also, I’ve got to get more exercise. My thighs are so squishy it’s horrifying. My sister got gastric bypass surgery recently so she gets full quickly and “can’t” eat dessert or other simple carbs. I wish bring morbidly obese wasn’t a requirement to get that. I need it as prevention, to physically stop me from stuffing my face whenever there’s food around. I was watching a drug documentary when I got home tonight and honestly for like an hour I was wishing I was still a drug addict so I’d be obsessing about that instead of just food all the time. My sister’s bestie is super tall and thin and is on the ketogenic diet, which everyone accepts for some reason. I stopped eating meat a decade ago with no issue; maybe I just need to start telling everyone I don’t eat sugar or something so the fear of being called out will keep me accountable. Hmm…
I often wonder if scientific exploration of EDs do more harm than good. Like I know I sometimes exhibit traits of Aspergers, but getting an actual diagnosis of an intellectual disorder like that would cause my self esteem to plummet. I need to think I’m normal with some minor issues; anything else sends me into a spiral of hopelessness. I often imagine my “normal” coworkers talking about my craziness and it makes me want to be more stringent in my eating so as to at least have control over something in my life. I actually bought diet pills the other day in the hopes of losing 5-10 lbs – hoping that if I can at least get my weight on track I can play like I have my life on track. I don’t know how to get out of this spiral. Help?
So after weeks of binging, sometimes purging, and watching my weight go up, I decided to do something about it. I watched this documentary about juice fasting called “Fat, Sick, & Nearly Dead,” so I thought maybe I’ll try that just for one meal a day, and stop buying snacks. Well I made it four days, lost three pounds, and the this morning I was continually dizzy so I gave in and had pasta for lunch. But I’m not quitting; I think I’m into something here. Until the dizziness I did feel better upping my veggie intake and cutting out the junk. So, unlike in the past, I’m not going to use eating pasta as an excuse to binge all day. I’m going to get back on track and stick to my plan of no junk. Hopefully this positivity and determination last this time.
Just finished reading this book, which is a memoir by a sugar addict. I binged ALL day. I ate a whole bag of chips, a few handfuls of chocolates, half a bag of gummies, plus breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I’ve taken less than 2000 steps all day. I also haven’t kept ANY of my resolutions from my last post.
But then I finished the book. I’d been waiting the whole time for the “happily ever after,” where she beats her addiction and everything is perfect. That moment never came. She still struggles, decades later. She still slips up. But instead of quitting she keeps going. She starts fresh. She doesn’t let one slip ruin everything. And it gets easier.
I need that mindset. I’m so black-and-white in my thinking, it’s no wonder I never get anywhere in beating this shit. If I’m not totally starving, I’ve failed and might as well just binge on everything. But I can’t starve all the time. Even when AN was my primary dx, I was still the b/p subtype. So all my plans are fundamentally flawed in that I can’t “go back” to a behavior that I never really had. Something needs to change.
As soon as I finished reading, I threw out the bag of gummies I was binging on. Honestly I’m so nauseated at the moment that I’m not tempted to go fish them out of the trash (which I’ve totally done, even with things that aren’t in a package 😔), but I’ll put the cat’s litter on top just in case.
Perhaps it’s time to start cutting sugar out completely. I know I’m an addict; I’ll probably never be able to eat in moderation. But goddamnit I still want to try. So my new plan is to focus on quality. Before eating I need to ask myself if I really want it; if it’s really worth the calories. If I do, I’ll take a portioned-out serving.
Is this mindful eating? Who knows. All I know is my period has stopped, despite being on the pill (not pregnant, thank god), which is clearly a sign that I’m doing something wrong. I guess the body doesn’t want to reproduce while subsisting in a diet of pure sugar and alcohol.
Maybe taking my health more seriously will be helpful. Maybe I can at least pretend to give a shit about myself for once. Maybe focusing on health will let my weight go down on its own. Now, to find a new location for my alarm clock.
So I’m watching a BBC documentary on anorexia, and god I wish I could have that control back. My office has been loaded with candy for the past few weeks and it’s just been triggering binge after binge. But I’m not purging for the most part, so I’m just getting fat and feeling awful about myself.
I know I’m crazy, and the point of all these documentaries is to show all the bad parts of EDs, but I’d rather have the bad parts that come with being skinny instead of the bad parts that come with being fat.
So this weekend I’ll eat. I’ll finish up all the shit that’s already in my house, get rested up, and start fresh on Monday. But this time I’m making a plan, beyond just “eat less.”
I realize that I’ve been not doing my AM workouts because they’re too intense; I don’t have the energy for Insanity at 6am. So I think I’ll go back to using my elliptical at least three times a week, and then I’ll do Insanity on the weekend when I’ve gotten to sleep in.
I’ve also realized I’m eating way too much for breakfast most days. Although peanut butter is healthy fats, it’s still fat and is very calorically dense, and I eat it basically every day – without measuring 😞. So new breakfast plan is either bran flakes w/ milk (200), eggs (150), or an apple with a measured tablespoon of peanut butter (160).
I’ll probably just make it a rule to not eat at work; if I’m not eating then I can’t binge. If I do eat I’ll get a salad with no dressing (200-300), or have a protein bar (190).
Dinner is up to the mercy of what my husband cooks, unfortunately. It’s usually chicken cooked in olive oil and sautéed vegetables (400) but sometimes he’ll make pasta with turkey meatballs (600) so those days will be no-lunch days.
The biggest thing I have to do is stop snacking. If I can just do that I should be able to keep it at or under 1000 calories no problem.
I am aware that this is unhealthy. I am aware that restriction is not conducive to mental recovery. But sometimes I just don’t care.
Also, why doesn’t the US use the metric system or stones? Those numbers are just so much smaller.
I’m fat. I’m going on a diet. I’m just like every other woman in America and am no longer special. I’m not “the skinny one” anymore.
I just ordered Clen, which I haven’t taken since I was I college and deep into my ED. So I guess I’m going back down that route. I don’t know how to feel about this. I remember being so miserable and hopeless then – I even got addicted to coke after starting it to lose weight – but I’m also pretty miserable and hopeless now, and at least I was losing weight then.
I’m determined to get back to working out and eating clean, also. I’m not going to spend money on drugs and undo everything by constantly binging. I’ll take the Clen this once to get back on track and then hopefully when it runs out I’ll be back to my skinny habits.
God I’m so pathetic.
So I was talking to my shrink the other day and I had a bit of a revelation. I realized that I’ve had a lot less anxiety over food and slightly less body image issues since I got back into working out regularly. So that’s good.
The problem is when I don’t work out, everything comes back tenfold – all food gives me anxiety (will I burn these cals/carbs or will they just go to my ass?) and I feel huge. I’ve lost a couple pounds (literally; I lost two pounds) but am still way above my comfort zone (mentally for sure but also just my pants are still uncomfortably tight). I of course don’t want to stop at my original weight, either; I want to get 10lbs below.
So I dunno; I guess the reduced anxiety is a step in the right direction. I just wish there wasn’t still so fucking far to go.