Tag Archives: binge eating

Neverending

Right before class ended (actual class, not finals), I was down to my wedding weight. Now I’m terrified to get on the scale, so I don’t have an exact number, but even my fat pants are too tight so I’ve got to be up 10 lbs.

Luckily the new year starts next week and I go back to class, so hopefully I’ll be able to shed this weight in a month – it’s no longer holiday season so there won’t be that pressure to eat sweets constantly, and I can go back to black coffee for dinner instead of peppermint mocha lattes and all that (delicious) sugary holiday shit.

I wonder if my husband notices? Not that he’d have any right to say anything; he’s gained like 50 lbs in the decade we’ve been together. But does he see my love handles and pouchy belly and jiggly arms and bat wings? I know he’s not into fat chicks, but where does he draw that line? And how thin can I get before he starts to get on my case about eating? God I wish I was a mind-reader.

But anyway, the New Years’ weight loss plan is nothing new. My concern is what happens when the spring semester ends and I’m back home all the time again. Will I just gain it again and be fat until the fall? Will the cycle ever end? Can’t I just find a happy medium and stay there? I honestly feel like I maintained my weight better when I was b/p-ing every day; at least then the net intake was approximately consistent. Now I’m rarely puking (although I did this afternoon, after eating half a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies) but I’m either ingesting 5,000+ calories a day or I’m restricting to 800. This is not sustainable! But when the alternative (daily b/p-ing) is even more harmful, what do I do? I’d rather be sick than fat.

ED is so fucked up.

Triggers

So less than two hours after writing my last post I started to binge. So far it’s only been half a bag of chips and ⅔ a bag of Oreos, but I’m really fighting the urge to purge. Honestly I probably would have done it already except I have wet grout in my bathroom and I don’t want to fuck it up. 

But that’s not the point of this post. Well not in regards to this individual episode, anyway. But it got my thinking about what triggers this. How can I be totally fine one day and totally out of control the next? Or even within the course of a single day? So I thought I’d try to list my triggers. Here’s what I have so far:

  1. Talking/writing/thinking about past behaviors
  2. Eating one bad thing (starts the “fuck it” mentality)
  3. When my husband is passed out drunk
  4. Feeling overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to do
  5. Feeling pressure to be perfect in all of said things (even tho the pressure only comes from myself)
  6. Being bored 
  7. Thinking about my weight/body size/shape
  8. Being at home (lack of routine)
  9. Visiting my parents/in-laws
  10. Feeling lonely/sad/anxious
  11. Knowing there’s junk in the house
  12. Going grocery shopping 
  13. Being hungry (and not wanting to be)
  14. Being full 
  15. Being thirsty
  16. Knowing an event is coming up
  17. Social gatherings 
  18. Being cold/tired

Good grief, no wonder I can’t stop. 

Triggers

So less than two hours after writing my last post I started to binge. So far it’s only been half a bag of chips and ⅔ a bag of Oreos, but I’m really fighting the urge to purge. Honestly I probably would have done it already except I have wet grout in my bathroom and I don’t want to fuck it up. 

But that’s not the point of this post. Well not in regards to this individual episode, anyway. But it got my thinking about what triggers this. How can I be totally fine one day and totally out of control the next? Or even within the course of a single day? So I thought I’d try to list my triggers. Here’s what I have so far:

  1. Talking/writing/thinking about past behaviors
  2. Eating one bad thing (starts the “fuck it” mentality)
  3. When my husband is passed out drunk
  4. Feeling overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to do
  5. Feeling pressure to be perfect in all of said things (even tho the pressure only comes from myself)
  6. Being bored 
  7. Thinking about my weight/body size/shape
  8. Being at home (lack of routine)
  9. Visiting my parents/in-laws
  10. Feeling lonely/sad/anxious
  11. Knowing there’s junk in the house
  12. Going grocery shopping 
  13. Being hungry (and not wanting to be)
  14. Being full 
  15. Being thirsty
  16. Knowing an event is coming up
  17. Social gatherings 
  18. Being cold/tired

Good grief, no wonder I can’t stop. 

Triggers

So less than two hours after writing my last post I started to binge. So far it’s only been half a bag of chips and ⅔ a bag of Oreos, but I’m really fighting the urge to purge. Honestly I probably would have done it already except I have wet grout in my bathroom and I don’t want to fuck it up. 

But that’s not the point of this post. Well not in regards to this individual episode, anyway. But it got my thinking about what triggers this. How can I be totally fine one day and totally out of control the next? Or even within the course of a single day? So I thought I’d try to list my triggers. Here’s what I have so far:

  1. Talking/writing/thinking about past behaviors
  2. Eating one bad thing (starts the “fuck it” mentality)
  3. When my husband is passed out drunk
  4. Feeling overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to do
  5. Feeling pressure to be perfect in all of said things (even tho the pressure only comes from myself)
  6. Being bored 
  7. Thinking about my weight/body size/shape
  8. Being at home (lack of routine)
  9. Visiting my parents/in-laws
  10. Feeling lonely/sad/anxious
  11. Knowing there’s junk in the house
  12. Going grocery shopping 
  13. Being hungry (and not wanting to be)
  14. Being full 
  15. Being thirsty
  16. Knowing an event is coming up
  17. Social gatherings 
  18. Being cold/tired

Good grief, no wonder I can’t stop. 

Sugar is bad

It makes me feel shitty. Never once have I finished a bag of candy and thought, “gee I feel great.” I usually want to puke, but purging candy is a lost cause. I feel like a fat cow. I get bloated and thirsty. It sets me up for more overeating. It makes me fat. It makes me feel out of control. It makes me feel weak. It makes me tired. It makes me too full for healthy food. It gives me zits. It makes me depressed. 

Hopefully if I can just remember these reasons I’ll be able to stop eating this shit. 

Relapse

My husband has been out half the day so I’ve taken the opportunity to just binge and purge repeatedly. Girl Scout cookies, raw cookie dough, cold Chinese food, ice cream, etc. It wasn’t even pleasurable; it was frantic and hopeless. And I’ve since had soup (129), an apple (80), microwave popcorn (300), and a Snickers (150), which I haven’t purged any of but am certainly thinking about. 

I thought I was done with this, but I guess I can only binge so many days in a row before the need to purge becomes too strong. I need to stop eating junk is what I need to do. I made the stupid decision to buy a bunch of Cadbury cream eggs (160) the other day and had been eating them nonstop for two days prior. Hopefully I’m done for a while. I don’t really have any junk left in the house so as long as I don’t buy any at the store I should be okay. 

But of course now I feel like I need to restrict during the week. I’m certainly not planning on eating lunch, or at least not more than a fruit (80) and a string cheese(80), or maybe a nonfat latte (120). I’m not planning on having the oatmeal that had become routine; I’ll have a light English muffin (100) with maybe a tablespoon of pb (90) and sugar-free jam (10). Hopefully my husband feels like eating healthy this week and we can just have chicken (200) with veg (100-200, depending on the veg) for dinner. 

I just bought some more small-size clothes, so unless I want them to hang in my closet unworn (like half my closet already) I need to lose weight. Max 1200 cal/day until my birthday. Then I’ll be 30 and I’ll really have to commit to cutting the sugar for good if I don’t want to balloon up, so hopefully these next two weeks will help me get on the right track. We’ll see…

It’s official. 

I’m fat. I’m going on a diet. I’m just like every other woman in America and am no longer special. I’m not “the skinny one” anymore. 

I just ordered Clen, which I haven’t taken since I was I college and deep into my ED. So I guess I’m going back down that route. I don’t know how to feel about this. I remember being so miserable and hopeless then – I even got addicted to coke after starting it to lose weight – but I’m also pretty miserable and hopeless now, and at least I was losing weight then.

I’m determined to get back to working out and eating clean, also. I’m not going to spend money on drugs and undo everything by constantly binging. I’ll take the Clen this once to get back on track and then hopefully when it runs out I’ll be back to my skinny habits. 

God I’m so pathetic. 

Hypocrisy 

I feel like my entire life is a giant hypocritical situation. I want to be thin, but I don’t stop stuffing my face. I hate having an eating disorder, but I want to go back to when I was just anorexic. I take care of my outer body, with lotion and serums and all that shit, but I treat my internal body like shit, with a diet of garbage and no exercise. 

Part of me blames it on the depression, which just makes motivating myself to do anything so goddamn difficult. But part of me just thinks I’m fucking lazy. I know what I have to do to get my body where I want. I’m sure I’ve posted “plans” on here a dozen times. So why can’t I fucking DO that?? 

Insight 

So I leaned something on my trip to Europe – food doesn’t need to be a big deal. It’s a social event, it’s fuel – but it doesn’t need to be agonized over and certainly isn’t worth feeling guilty about. I was so proud of myself over there – I ate pasta, and cheese, and all sorts of “bad” things that usually would give me anxiety to have once a day, never mind at every meal. And for the most part, I felt okay. I was active most of the day, and enjoyed the whole experience instead of worrying about how many calories I was consuming. 

But now I’m back, and tonight I b/p’d on a pint of ice cream and a box of cookies. I’m realizing that I can be okay with my fear foods if they’re portioned for me, but if I’m left to my own devices I eat way too much and can’t sit with the fullness and have to get rid of it before my anxiety consumes me. I had ice cream and cookies in Europe, but I was served a small amount with no option to get more (aside from actually ordering another which would be way too humiliating to be a real option). Also, when I don’t have enough structure in my day, my default is to eat. I hardly snacked at all in Europe bc I was so busy, but now I’m back to thinking about eating every moment of the day. And I am incredibly lazy – I just cannot pry myself off the couch to go work out or anything, but exploring each city in Europe kept me walking for hours and loving it. 

I was happy for two weeks – aside from moving to Europe, how do I get that feeling back? 

Sorry I’ve been gone so long. 

I have just been doing absolutely nothing fitness- or diet-wise since my wedding almost three months ago and I guess I didn’t want to come on here and publicly admit defeat. 

Literally, nothing. I haven’t run a single mile, and have pretty much been stuffing my face nonstop with all the shit I was trying not to eat before my wedding (even tho I wasn’t even totally successful then either). 

My clothes don’t fit right; I’m too self-conscious to wear anything remotely form-fitting, and I want to cry every time I look in the mirror. But yet, I can’t seem to motivate myself to do anything about it. I’m always in the kitchen looking for food, even if I just ate and I know I’m not hungry, and no matter how many alarms I set in the morning I keep going back to sleep instead of running. 

The last time I got in a funk like this I gained 20 goddamn pounds; I cannot let that happen again! Some people lose their appetite when they’re depressed – I am not one of those people. But I already take meds and see a shrink; I don’t know what else to do here. Any suggestions? 

I thought maybe it was bc after finishing grad school and getting married I had nothing productive to focus on, but I’ve been taking online classes in computer science (for free!) and that hasn’t helped. But not taking classes doesn’t help either so it’s not due to stress.

Someone help me please!