Tag Archives: binge eating

Relapse

My husband has been out half the day so I’ve taken the opportunity to just binge and purge repeatedly. Girl Scout cookies, raw cookie dough, cold Chinese food, ice cream, etc. It wasn’t even pleasurable; it was frantic and hopeless. And I’ve since had soup (129), an apple (80), microwave popcorn (300), and a Snickers (150), which I haven’t purged any of but am certainly thinking about. 

I thought I was done with this, but I guess I can only binge so many days in a row before the need to purge becomes too strong. I need to stop eating junk is what I need to do. I made the stupid decision to buy a bunch of Cadbury cream eggs (160) the other day and had been eating them nonstop for two days prior. Hopefully I’m done for a while. I don’t really have any junk left in the house so as long as I don’t buy any at the store I should be okay. 

But of course now I feel like I need to restrict during the week. I’m certainly not planning on eating lunch, or at least not more than a fruit (80) and a string cheese(80), or maybe a nonfat latte (120). I’m not planning on having the oatmeal that had become routine; I’ll have a light English muffin (100) with maybe a tablespoon of pb (90) and sugar-free jam (10). Hopefully my husband feels like eating healthy this week and we can just have chicken (200) with veg (100-200, depending on the veg) for dinner. 

I just bought some more small-size clothes, so unless I want them to hang in my closet unworn (like half my closet already) I need to lose weight. Max 1200 cal/day until my birthday. Then I’ll be 30 and I’ll really have to commit to cutting the sugar for good if I don’t want to balloon up, so hopefully these next two weeks will help me get on the right track. We’ll see…

It’s official. 

I’m fat. I’m going on a diet. I’m just like every other woman in America and am no longer special. I’m not “the skinny one” anymore. 

I just ordered Clen, which I haven’t taken since I was I college and deep into my ED. So I guess I’m going back down that route. I don’t know how to feel about this. I remember being so miserable and hopeless then – I even got addicted to coke after starting it to lose weight – but I’m also pretty miserable and hopeless now, and at least I was losing weight then.

I’m determined to get back to working out and eating clean, also. I’m not going to spend money on drugs and undo everything by constantly binging. I’ll take the Clen this once to get back on track and then hopefully when it runs out I’ll be back to my skinny habits. 

God I’m so pathetic. 

Hypocrisy 

I feel like my entire life is a giant hypocritical situation. I want to be thin, but I don’t stop stuffing my face. I hate having an eating disorder, but I want to go back to when I was just anorexic. I take care of my outer body, with lotion and serums and all that shit, but I treat my internal body like shit, with a diet of garbage and no exercise. 

Part of me blames it on the depression, which just makes motivating myself to do anything so goddamn difficult. But part of me just thinks I’m fucking lazy. I know what I have to do to get my body where I want. I’m sure I’ve posted “plans” on here a dozen times. So why can’t I fucking DO that?? 

Insight 

So I leaned something on my trip to Europe – food doesn’t need to be a big deal. It’s a social event, it’s fuel – but it doesn’t need to be agonized over and certainly isn’t worth feeling guilty about. I was so proud of myself over there – I ate pasta, and cheese, and all sorts of “bad” things that usually would give me anxiety to have once a day, never mind at every meal. And for the most part, I felt okay. I was active most of the day, and enjoyed the whole experience instead of worrying about how many calories I was consuming. 

But now I’m back, and tonight I b/p’d on a pint of ice cream and a box of cookies. I’m realizing that I can be okay with my fear foods if they’re portioned for me, but if I’m left to my own devices I eat way too much and can’t sit with the fullness and have to get rid of it before my anxiety consumes me. I had ice cream and cookies in Europe, but I was served a small amount with no option to get more (aside from actually ordering another which would be way too humiliating to be a real option). Also, when I don’t have enough structure in my day, my default is to eat. I hardly snacked at all in Europe bc I was so busy, but now I’m back to thinking about eating every moment of the day. And I am incredibly lazy – I just cannot pry myself off the couch to go work out or anything, but exploring each city in Europe kept me walking for hours and loving it. 

I was happy for two weeks – aside from moving to Europe, how do I get that feeling back? 

Sorry I’ve been gone so long. 

I have just been doing absolutely nothing fitness- or diet-wise since my wedding almost three months ago and I guess I didn’t want to come on here and publicly admit defeat. 

Literally, nothing. I haven’t run a single mile, and have pretty much been stuffing my face nonstop with all the shit I was trying not to eat before my wedding (even tho I wasn’t even totally successful then either). 

My clothes don’t fit right; I’m too self-conscious to wear anything remotely form-fitting, and I want to cry every time I look in the mirror. But yet, I can’t seem to motivate myself to do anything about it. I’m always in the kitchen looking for food, even if I just ate and I know I’m not hungry, and no matter how many alarms I set in the morning I keep going back to sleep instead of running. 

The last time I got in a funk like this I gained 20 goddamn pounds; I cannot let that happen again! Some people lose their appetite when they’re depressed – I am not one of those people. But I already take meds and see a shrink; I don’t know what else to do here. Any suggestions? 

I thought maybe it was bc after finishing grad school and getting married I had nothing productive to focus on, but I’ve been taking online classes in computer science (for free!) and that hasn’t helped. But not taking classes doesn’t help either so it’s not due to stress.

Someone help me please!

The worst

When you give into the urge and buy a box of cookies to binge on and they’re not even good cookies.

I can’t do this shit, guys. My SAD is kicking my ass and I just don’t have the mental strength to restrict and resist temptation. I don’t see my shrink for another couple weeks so here I am self-medicating with sugar and carbs.

And then January should be super fun when I don’t have insurance and will have to pick and choose which meds are worth refilling and prob won’t get to see my shrink at all.

I really need to move somewhere warmer. I actually got out of bed and went for a run this morning though, even tho it was only 16 degrees. That helped for like an hour. Maybe I’ll do it again tomorrow. Hopefully if I keep up with my fitness I won’t have tooooo much extra weight to lose in the spring.

Undoing everything

I’ve worked so hard in the past two months to eat cleanly and improve my fitness. I’ve stopped buying candy at work and have started running at least three days a week, ideally four or five. But in the past week I’ve basically undone all of that. I’ve eaten literally POUNDS of sugar, and haven’t gotten off my ass much at all. I can literally feel myself getting flabby, but I’m doing nothing to stop it. I’m obsessed with thoughts of eating, and the only activity I want to do involves moving from the couch to bed and back. I feel completely out of control – which is kind of crazy, because these are things that should be easy to control. All I need to do is stick to my workout routine and stop stuffing my face. I know what to do but I can’t seem to actually follow through. Why do I do this to myself?? I know eating this shit and not working out is going to make me feel worse, not better, and yet I continue to repeat the cycle. I want to blame it on stress, personal conflict, etc., but that’s not a fair assessment – it’s just me being a fat, lazy sack of shit.