Tag Archives: BED


Right before class ended (actual class, not finals), I was down to my wedding weight. Now I’m terrified to get on the scale, so I don’t have an exact number, but even my fat pants are too tight so I’ve got to be up 10 lbs.

Luckily the new year starts next week and I go back to class, so hopefully I’ll be able to shed this weight in a month – it’s no longer holiday season so there won’t be that pressure to eat sweets constantly, and I can go back to black coffee for dinner instead of peppermint mocha lattes and all that (delicious) sugary holiday shit.

I wonder if my husband notices? Not that he’d have any right to say anything; he’s gained like 50 lbs in the decade we’ve been together. But does he see my love handles and pouchy belly and jiggly arms and bat wings? I know he’s not into fat chicks, but where does he draw that line? And how thin can I get before he starts to get on my case about eating? God I wish I was a mind-reader.

But anyway, the New Years’ weight loss plan is nothing new. My concern is what happens when the spring semester ends and I’m back home all the time again. Will I just gain it again and be fat until the fall? Will the cycle ever end? Can’t I just find a happy medium and stay there? I honestly feel like I maintained my weight better when I was b/p-ing every day; at least then the net intake was approximately consistent. Now I’m rarely puking (although I did this afternoon, after eating half a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies) but I’m either ingesting 5,000+ calories a day or I’m restricting to 800. This is not sustainable! But when the alternative (daily b/p-ing) is even more harmful, what do I do? I’d rather be sick than fat.

ED is so fucked up.

Sugar is bad

It makes me feel shitty. Never once have I finished a bag of candy and thought, “gee I feel great.” I usually want to puke, but purging candy is a lost cause. I feel like a fat cow. I get bloated and thirsty. It sets me up for more overeating. It makes me fat. It makes me feel out of control. It makes me feel weak. It makes me tired. It makes me too full for healthy food. It gives me zits. It makes me depressed. 

Hopefully if I can just remember these reasons I’ll be able to stop eating this shit. 

Fatter and fatter

So low carb lasted about two and a half days. While I will say I dropped eight pounds over three days, it’s so all-or-nothing that as soon as I ate some carbs I ate all the carbs. So I’m back to trying moderation and it’s just not working. I’m either eating way too little or way too much. I wish I could go back to purging without hating myself more. 

I guess on the plus side, I’ve been doing really well with my workouts – averaging five days a week (four weekday and one weekend). So maybe I can get toned enough to get smaller even if the scale doesn’t reflect it. I should have taken “before” measurements. Is it too late to start now?

But please, someone, figure out a way to stop me from ever thinking a pint of ice cream is a smart purchase. 

Diet plan

So after a week of binging (and some purging), I’m planning a healthy diet plan again. I’ve heard good things about South Beach but I honestly feel like the amount of food will be too much for me to feel comfortable. But it did make me think – I never realized how many carbs I eat; no wonder I’m always hungry and getting fat. So if I eat eggs and coffee for breakfast, that’s less than 1g. Then Diet Coke for lunch is less than 1g there. So even if my husband makes rice (39-43g) or potatoes (26g) with dinner (which is almost always chicken and veg, so low carb for the rest), I can still stay under 50g; I think that’s going to be my goal. And supposedly eating more protein and less carbs will make me less hungry so maybe it will help stop the obsessive good thoughts as well. We’ll see. I’m trying not to get my hopes up; every time I get excited about a new diet plan I blow it within days. I just feel so disgusted with myself – I’ve gained 10lbs since my wedding eight months ago; this is completely unacceptable. I can’t let myself get fat again. I CAN’T. If my weight hits 130lbs I’m ordering clenbuterol; it will make me feel shitty and fuck with my heart, but at least I know it works fast if I don’t binge. God, I feel like I’m back where I was 10 years ago when the bulimia really started taking over, except now it’s worse bc I’m trying not to purge so I’m just gaining super fast. Ugh I hate myself. 

I will not purge 

I will not purge I will not purge I will not purge I will not purge I will not purge I will not purge…

Just binged on half a large pizza and ⅔ of a box of cookies and trying so hard to just sit with it and not purge but I am so uncomfortably full and totally disgusted with myself. I haven’t purged in a while and I don’t want to, but at the same time I feel like I deserve to have my head in the toilet bc I am just shit. 

I will not purge I will not purge I will not purge I will not purge I will not purge I will not purge…


Sometimes I wonder if, on some subconscious level, I don’t really want to recover. ED has been part of my identity for so long – almost 11 years at this point – it’s like I don’t know how to live without it. What would I do if I couldn’t use food for comfort and restriction for feeling in control? What would I do if I couldn’t ever purge when feeling completely overwhelmed? Would I just break down completely? And then if I failed at whatever, and I didn’t have a disorder, they would mean that it was just ME that’s a failure. 

I started out this month with a plan to get back on the healthy-eating and exercise bandwagon. Today is the 2nd and I’ve already binged. I wasn’t even really restricting – I didn’t let myself completely skip lunch even tho I wanted to – so it’s not like I had to make up for some huge caloric deficit. I binged like crazy all weekend, ate three meals yesterday, and then today ate three meals plus about 1500 calories worth of snacks. I’ve also slept through my workout alarm both mornings. 

I sabotage myself. I can’t do this anymore. Every time I try I fail and then I just hate myself more. But when I stop trying and get fatter that only makes it worse. So I’m damned if I do (fail), damned if I don’t (try). 


so I realized today that I have no idea how to be fit and healthy. I’m always either on a weight-loss diet, which leads to poor fitness performance, or I’m binging, which is not healthy. I’m still stuck in the mindset of running to burn calories instead of running to improve my physical fitness (and can’t seem to separate “fitness” from”thinness” either). I’m not trying to gain weight – I’m technically in the “normal” weight range, so I don’t need to either – but I can’t for the life of me figure out how to eat healthy without restricting and I know it’s interfering with my race training. But a junk-food diet also is impeding my progress , so I don’t know how to find my happy medium. Anyone had this issue before and have any advice? I’m hoping once I’m done with grad school (in one month!) I’ll stop stress-eating so much, but that doesn’t help with the restriction half. 


As an eating-disordered person, I should be all about NEDAW. I should want to spread the idea that EDs come in all shapes and sizes, and one doesn’t need to be completely emaciated to be dying both physically and mentally. But in reality, I hate it. I’ve kept my ED secret from most of the people in my life – always staying at (or almost at) a so-called “healthy weight” has allowed me to do that – and so even when someone posts something that I really want to share or “like” or whatever, I feel like I would be exposing myself (never mind the fact that a non-ED person could totally like a great post about recovery; ED has turned me into a paranoid freak). I feel pressure to post “before and after” photos with me at my lowest weight and me now running a race, and I’m not sure if I want validation that recovery is the right choice or if I just want to show the world that “hey, I was really skinny at one point so please take my ED seriously.” Not that I would post something like that; I’m not ready to be exposed as having an ED.

But beyond that, NEDAW is also incredibly triggering. I decided to peruse the hashtag this morning because recovery posts are supposed to be inspiring, right? But all I got out of it was a bunch of girls who were a) way skinnier than I am or ever was and/or b) are doing much better with this whole recovery thing than I am or think I could be. It also reinforced the idea that recovery means weight gain, and that’s just terrifying. So much so that I went and purged my breakfast – bran flakes. Who the fuck purges bran flakes? This girl, that’s who.

So now I’m trying to psych myself up for a run because my race is in six weeks and I’ve got to get training, snow or no snow. But purging makes me feel crappy and depression makes me feel unmotivated and now I don’t want to do anything productive at all – even though I really need to clean my house if we’re having people over tonight. Well, cleaning burns calories I suppose. Time to take some meds and get off my ass. We’ll see about the run later.

Hope everyone else is getting more positive things out of this week.


I feel like I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown. I constantly want to cry at work, everything seems like so much work it’s completely overwhelming, and I don’t have any strength left to fight my ED urges.

I set four alarms to get me out of bed in the morning for a run. I’m hoping some exercise and fresh air will help a bit. I binged today on bags of candy and tacos and I wasn’t even hungry – I’d had breakfast and snack and then started binging at lunch and couldn’t stop. My pants are officially too tight; I can only wear my fat clothes.

I can’t take this much longer. I need spring NOW.