Tag Archives: eat

Neverending

Right before class ended (actual class, not finals), I was down to my wedding weight. Now I’m terrified to get on the scale, so I don’t have an exact number, but even my fat pants are too tight so I’ve got to be up 10 lbs.

Luckily the new year starts next week and I go back to class, so hopefully I’ll be able to shed this weight in a month – it’s no longer holiday season so there won’t be that pressure to eat sweets constantly, and I can go back to black coffee for dinner instead of peppermint mocha lattes and all that (delicious) sugary holiday shit.

I wonder if my husband notices? Not that he’d have any right to say anything; he’s gained like 50 lbs in the decade we’ve been together. But does he see my love handles and pouchy belly and jiggly arms and bat wings? I know he’s not into fat chicks, but where does he draw that line? And how thin can I get before he starts to get on my case about eating? God I wish I was a mind-reader.

But anyway, the New Years’ weight loss plan is nothing new. My concern is what happens when the spring semester ends and I’m back home all the time again. Will I just gain it again and be fat until the fall? Will the cycle ever end? Can’t I just find a happy medium and stay there? I honestly feel like I maintained my weight better when I was b/p-ing every day; at least then the net intake was approximately consistent. Now I’m rarely puking (although I did this afternoon, after eating half a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies) but I’m either ingesting 5,000+ calories a day or I’m restricting to 800. This is not sustainable! But when the alternative (daily b/p-ing) is even more harmful, what do I do? I’d rather be sick than fat.

ED is so fucked up.

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Bad start. 

It’s 9am and I’ve already eaten a nauseating amount of leftover wedding cake. I didn’t want to purge, but I couldn’t sit with it anymore either. Is that a bad sign to be purging my wedding cake? Although now that I’ve done it I wish I had purged the cake yesterday and the day before as well. It’s doubtful that I’ll run now. 

Confused.

I can’t decide if I want to continue restricting and meet my goal of being tiny but frail or if I want to say fuck it and accept a few pounds extra but have the energy to get fit. When I don’t eat – or even when I do eat if it’s crap – I just can’t tear myself out of bed in the morning for a run. But if I do eat, I can go for miles – but I won’t lose weight.

The idea of gaining weight freaks me out; I already think I look like a gross pig as it is. But I wonder if my body image would improve if I was able to get more defined muscle, even if the scale didn’t say a number I like? Would they cancel each other out?

Thank god I’m meeting with my shrink this week – I need to talk some sense into myself. I just feel like my life is completely out of control and I know controlling my weight will make me feel better. But I mean I’ve been doing this shit for nine years now – almost a decade – and I can’t help but think maybe it’s time to grow up.

Ugh.