Right before class ended (actual class, not finals), I was down to my wedding weight. Now I’m terrified to get on the scale, so I don’t have an exact number, but even my fat pants are too tight so I’ve got to be up 10 lbs.
Luckily the new year starts next week and I go back to class, so hopefully I’ll be able to shed this weight in a month – it’s no longer holiday season so there won’t be that pressure to eat sweets constantly, and I can go back to black coffee for dinner instead of peppermint mocha lattes and all that (delicious) sugary holiday shit.
I wonder if my husband notices? Not that he’d have any right to say anything; he’s gained like 50 lbs in the decade we’ve been together. But does he see my love handles and pouchy belly and jiggly arms and bat wings? I know he’s not into fat chicks, but where does he draw that line? And how thin can I get before he starts to get on my case about eating? God I wish I was a mind-reader.
But anyway, the New Years’ weight loss plan is nothing new. My concern is what happens when the spring semester ends and I’m back home all the time again. Will I just gain it again and be fat until the fall? Will the cycle ever end? Can’t I just find a happy medium and stay there? I honestly feel like I maintained my weight better when I was b/p-ing every day; at least then the net intake was approximately consistent. Now I’m rarely puking (although I did this afternoon, after eating half a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies) but I’m either ingesting 5,000+ calories a day or I’m restricting to 800. This is not sustainable! But when the alternative (daily b/p-ing) is even more harmful, what do I do? I’d rather be sick than fat.
ED is so fucked up.
I try to enjoy it; I really do. I even start to feel festive by the time I wake up thanksgiving morning. Unfortunately, by the time I’m laying in bed that night, as now, I loathe both the holiday and myself. Why can’t I just eat a normal meal? Why do I get full so quickly on actual food but then have seven desserts? (Literally, seven.) I have zero desire to eat tomorrow and hope I can get to at least dinner without doing so. Thank goodness it’s back to a regular schedule next week and I can heavily restrict three days and at least skip lunch the other two. Also, I’ve got to get more exercise. My thighs are so squishy it’s horrifying. My sister got gastric bypass surgery recently so she gets full quickly and “can’t” eat dessert or other simple carbs. I wish bring morbidly obese wasn’t a requirement to get that. I need it as prevention, to physically stop me from stuffing my face whenever there’s food around. I was watching a drug documentary when I got home tonight and honestly for like an hour I was wishing I was still a drug addict so I’d be obsessing about that instead of just food all the time. My sister’s bestie is super tall and thin and is on the ketogenic diet, which everyone accepts for some reason. I stopped eating meat a decade ago with no issue; maybe I just need to start telling everyone I don’t eat sugar or something so the fear of being called out will keep me accountable. Hmm…
Just finished reading this book, which is a memoir by a sugar addict. I binged ALL day. I ate a whole bag of chips, a few handfuls of chocolates, half a bag of gummies, plus breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I’ve taken less than 2000 steps all day. I also haven’t kept ANY of my resolutions from my last post.
But then I finished the book. I’d been waiting the whole time for the “happily ever after,” where she beats her addiction and everything is perfect. That moment never came. She still struggles, decades later. She still slips up. But instead of quitting she keeps going. She starts fresh. She doesn’t let one slip ruin everything. And it gets easier.
I need that mindset. I’m so black-and-white in my thinking, it’s no wonder I never get anywhere in beating this shit. If I’m not totally starving, I’ve failed and might as well just binge on everything. But I can’t starve all the time. Even when AN was my primary dx, I was still the b/p subtype. So all my plans are fundamentally flawed in that I can’t “go back” to a behavior that I never really had. Something needs to change.
As soon as I finished reading, I threw out the bag of gummies I was binging on. Honestly I’m so nauseated at the moment that I’m not tempted to go fish them out of the trash (which I’ve totally done, even with things that aren’t in a package 😔), but I’ll put the cat’s litter on top just in case.
Perhaps it’s time to start cutting sugar out completely. I know I’m an addict; I’ll probably never be able to eat in moderation. But goddamnit I still want to try. So my new plan is to focus on quality. Before eating I need to ask myself if I really want it; if it’s really worth the calories. If I do, I’ll take a portioned-out serving.
Is this mindful eating? Who knows. All I know is my period has stopped, despite being on the pill (not pregnant, thank god), which is clearly a sign that I’m doing something wrong. I guess the body doesn’t want to reproduce while subsisting in a diet of pure sugar and alcohol.
Maybe taking my health more seriously will be helpful. Maybe I can at least pretend to give a shit about myself for once. Maybe focusing on health will let my weight go down on its own. Now, to find a new location for my alarm clock.
I’ve had enough. I NEED to do something to break this binge cycle. My face is puffy, my stomach is bloated, and I’ve neglected basically everything I really need to do (clean, study, exercise, etc). Tomorrow I’m signing up for the BAA Distance Medley (a 5k, 10k, and half-marathon in April, June, and October, respectively) so at least that will give me motivation to get back to running in the morning. I’m also going to call my shrink and see if I can up my Wellbutrin at least until spring comes. I can’t take three more months of feeling this miserable all the time. And of course we’re supposed to get a huge blizzard Tues-Wed, so I’ll be house-bound for at least a day, if not two, which I really can’t manage after this weekend. It’s also going to make work suck more than usual when I go back (basically the whole state is expected to shut down on Tuesday, so I’m assuming I won’t be working) and stress just makes the binging worse.
But at least I have a plan now. I mapped out my routes for all three running distances, and have my clothes laid out to go in the morning. Still trying to figure out lunch – part of me thinks I should starve, but the other part of me knows I need protein to support my running – but I guess one step at a time. The important thing is there is no more junk food left in the house so maybe I can get a handle on my eating while I’m at home at least.
I am such a fat slug.
As the saying goes, “if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” So what is my plan?
My goals for this year are:
1) to improve my fitness and become more toned
2) to reduce my consumption of proceeded foods, especially refined sugar
3) to focus less on what others may or may not think of me and do what makes me happiest
4) to become more mindful in all areas of my life
5) be more organized and productive
And here are my plans for doing them:
Goal #1: commit to running at least three days a week, even if only for 20 mins; spend 5-10 mins strength training most days of the week; go for a 20-min walk during my lunch break most weekdays
Goal #2: stop buying so much crap, and buy more fruits and vegetables instead; plan my lunch and snacks in advance so as to avoid impulse-buying junk food; curb nighttime snack cravings by drinking tea
Goal #3: buy some more flattering clothing and get rid of the things that make me feel self-conscious or uncomfortable; spend less money on makeup and more on moisturizer; go back to reading actual books instead of spending hours on social media; allow myself to actually take breaks during the day; stop committing to appointments/events I don’t really want to do
Goal #4: set reminders during the day to check posture and stretch; pay attention to hunger and fullness cues; think before speaking; avoid excessive alcohol/medication/food consumption and just sit with my feelings
Goal #5: develop system for sorting clutter and go through it on a weekly basis; throw away/donate things that haven’t been used in over a year; clean up messes as they happen; create chore schedule
I’m sure there are other goals I have and plans I’ll make, but this seems like a good starting point. Any other suggestions?