Anyone else ever get triggered by someone acting on their own addiction, even if it’s not food? Every time my husband passes out drunk on the couch I spend the rest of the night binging, usually ending with a purge. I’m never actually hungry, and sometimes I’m almost full already, but I literally can’t stop eating until there’s nothing left to eat. I can’t figure out if his drinking actually triggers me in some way, or if I’m using food to cope because I’m upset about it, or if him being passsed out is just a convenient time for me to binge in peace and purge without being caught. Whatever the reason, now I’m left feeling disgusting and like a failure.
I’ve written about this before and I’m sure I’ll write about it again, but I just can’t figure out why I always sabotage myself every time I make progress. Like this morning when I woke up I was 123.6, which is just four pounds from my wedding weight and pretty exciting. I worked out and ate good food. Then I had an all-afternoon bingefest, and ended it with a purge. I know I only got a tiny fraction of the food out, and it didn’t make me feel any less bloated or sick, so the purge wasn’t even worth it and now I feel extra bad. I don’t know where this came from. I hate that I can’t control myself. And it makes any progress I’ve made seem insignificant when I still have these giant fuck-ups.
I feel like my entire life is a giant hypocritical situation. I want to be thin, but I don’t stop stuffing my face. I hate having an eating disorder, but I want to go back to when I was just anorexic. I take care of my outer body, with lotion and serums and all that shit, but I treat my internal body like shit, with a diet of garbage and no exercise.
Part of me blames it on the depression, which just makes motivating myself to do anything so goddamn difficult. But part of me just thinks I’m fucking lazy. I know what I have to do to get my body where I want. I’m sure I’ve posted “plans” on here a dozen times. So why can’t I fucking DO that??
It’s 9am and I’ve already eaten a nauseating amount of leftover wedding cake. I didn’t want to purge, but I couldn’t sit with it anymore either. Is that a bad sign to be purging my wedding cake? Although now that I’ve done it I wish I had purged the cake yesterday and the day before as well. It’s doubtful that I’ll run now.
So I’ve basically spent every day since my wedding being lazy and eating junk food (including, but not limited to, a lot of cake). I know I must have gained at least five pounds, and I’m really concerned that my lack of running is going to prevent me from finishing my 10k in two weeks. I still have never ran 6 miles. I’m going to do it tomorrow. Either that or b/p – which unfortunately seems like a better option than continuing to stuff my face without purging, and I can’t seem to stop stuffing my face.
I’m supposed to be in another wedding in like two months and all I can think is thank god the bride is plus-sized bc otherwise I’d totally be the fattest one by then. Does that make me a bad person? Probably. Being a DNF for my race will be my karma 😦
I’m running my first race of the year tomorrow, so of course I decided to binge tonight. I’m trying not to purge bc I don’t want to be dehydrated for my race, but now I’m full and nauseous and am afraid I won’t sleep well. I’m also afraid I’m going to look like a flabby sausage next to all the serious runners.
Why do I always do this to myself? Whenever things seem like they might go well, I do shit like this that’s bound to fuck it up. Always. Why can’t I just let go of ED and get on with my life?
I am close to a breakdown. I can feel it. I’ve been binging all day, couldn’t muster the energy to go outside even though it was freaking gorgeous, and just keep wanting to cry. I feel like a giant whale, even though I know I look thin from photos taken yesterday and comments by relatives.
I thought writing would make me feel better but I literally can’t think of anything to say that isn’t completely self-depreciating and awful. I’ll just sum it up simply: Failure.