I miss my ED

My doctor considers me “in recovery” at this point, b/c I’m only purging like once every other month or so. But I don’t feel recovered. In fact, every time I eat something that seems like a good recovery move – like letting myself eat Mac and cheese, or candy, or whatever – I just feel like a complete failure. Part of me feels like I’m failing my ED by giving in. Part of me feels like I’m failing myself by using recovery as an excuse to eat garbage. And then all of me just feels like a blob. I’m afraid to weigh myself but I know I’ve gained again; my fat pants are now fitting just fine and the rest of my pants are far too tight. I miss when starving was easy. Its like the saying goes, “I wish I was as fat as I was the first time I thought I was fat.” I understand that ED messed with my head and made me even more unhealthy than eating crap sometimes now and honestly made me a little bit crazy, but at least my fucking pants fit. I just … I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. Help me.

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