I had a relapse the other day – full on b/p, like the old days. Donuts, chips, crackers, chocolates, really anything I could get my hands on. I was trying to figure out what triggered it, but all I can come up with is that I’m just sad. In general, all the time. I miss my bestie who moved across the country. I feel overwhelmed by school, and pressure to be perfect there. My general anxiety has increased to the point where I’m always convinced people are talking about me or mad at me or don’t like me. It gets dark early now so I almost never see the sun. B/p-ing is a way to distract from all of that, and on some level it gives me something to blame for my failures other than myself.
I think I need to up my medication. But I don’t like my new doctor. My old psychiatrist moved across the country, so I had to stop seeing her after like seven years together. This new one is older, and spent our whole first appointment looking at the computer screen and typing very formulaic info about me (that I can clearly see). I don’t feel like I can open up to her, or like she gives a shit anyway. She’s a little overweight and I feel like she doesn’t take my body dysmorphia issues seriously, like she’s thinking “this skinny bitch has no right to complain about feeling fat.” But maybe she’ll understand anxiety at least.
I wish I could move across the country w/ my bestie; it’s warm and sunny there all the time.
sorry I’ve been kind of MIA lately; it’s not that I didn’t have anything to say but rather I just haven’t had the energy to write.
I’ve sunk into another depression and I’m feeling pretty stuck. I can’t sleep (hence the midnight post) but I’m tired all the time. I only want to eat junk food and I have no energy or motivation to work out or run. I’m forgetting to do everything on my to-do list and my house is a mess. I haven’t paid any bills that aren’t on auto-pay in like two months, and work is giving me a panic attack.
I don’t know how to get out of this funk. I’d make an apt with my shrink, but getting set up with my new insurance and her new facility is one of the things on my to-do list that I keep forgetting to do.
It seems like it should be so simple: buy more healthy snacks and less junk; get outside for a quick run; engage in relaxing activities. But i can’t. It literally seems impossible right now. I want to cry, but even that seems like too much work.
*sigh* maybe I’m just not meant to be happy.
I hate it. I hate it so much. Everyone gets all excited bc it’s light out after work, but I’m a morning exerciser so what it means to me is my alarm goes off when it’s still dark and cold, and it feels like the middle of the night. Planned three runs this week and did none of them. And I’m so exhausted when I get home from work that I just can’t muster up the energy to go running in the evening. I hope I adjust by next week – it’ll officially be a month until my race, so I’ve got to get in serious training mode and stop making excuses. I hate making excuses, but SAD is a real thing. I am so affected by lack of sunshine – and it’s the morning when I need it most, to get me going. So wish me luck for next week. Maybe the sunrise will get back to before 7am by then.
Every time I set a goal I don’t meet it. I wanted to be in good shape for my fitting next week, but I haven’t run once all month and haven’t managed to go more than 24 hours without eating some sort of junk food – I’m even craving it now as I write this!
March is no excuses, bc if I don’t run then I’m never going to be able to do my race in April. Maybe that’s it – I always put shit off until I absolutely *have* to do it. The wedding isn’t for three more months – Hubs and I are finally making this shit legal after two years of just walking around with a ring on – so maybe I’ll finally get serious with my diet in May. They can take the dress in a whole size two weeks before the big day, right?
I’ll also be done with school then, and I always stress-eat while studying/doing homework. So note to self: no more school. Three degrees is enough.
I never did get around to calling my shrink to up my meds, and I feel like now it’s too late for that as well. Antidepressants always take like 3-4 weeks to kick in, so by the time I adjusted to the higher dose it would be spring and I wouldn’t have to deal with SAD so much anyway.
I fucking hate living in New England. Half of me wishes the hubs had been disgusted with my bulimia when we met – because it was full-blown bulimia at that point, I’d completely given up on restricting and just b/p’ed all day every day – and our relationship hadn’t gone anywhere, we never moved in together or bought a house or any of that shit. Then I could have moved somewhere warm like I wanted to and not had to deal with the added burden of SAD on top of everything else. But the other half of me loves him and couldn’t imagine life without him and I know he’ll never leave, so I guess I’m just doomed to be miserable for at least a quarter of every year.
Ugh I sound like such a whiney little bitch.
I can’t take much more of this snow shit. I need to go for a run; I need to get out of the house. I know being sedentary is just fueling my depression but when it’s a blizzard or negative 15 degrees every day I don’t really have to get a choice. I may clean the whole basement myself this weekend so I have room for a treadmill. Hubs just doesn’t understand. He’s never been depressed so he doesn’t get that I’m not just whining about the weather; I am completely fucking miserable. I’m on the verge of either crying or cussing someone out all day and am barely holding back tears by the time I go to bed. I wish I’d never bought a house here because now I’m stuck. I can’t smile about anything any more.
Disregard my last post, about recovery and hope. Nothing good can possibly happen until winter ends. I’m going to go invest in some giant sweaters and just binge and cry until spring.
Goddamn I need to up my meds.
When you give into the urge and buy a box of cookies to binge on and they’re not even good cookies.
I can’t do this shit, guys. My SAD is kicking my ass and I just don’t have the mental strength to restrict and resist temptation. I don’t see my shrink for another couple weeks so here I am self-medicating with sugar and carbs.
And then January should be super fun when I don’t have insurance and will have to pick and choose which meds are worth refilling and prob won’t get to see my shrink at all.
I really need to move somewhere warmer. I actually got out of bed and went for a run this morning though, even tho it was only 16 degrees. That helped for like an hour. Maybe I’ll do it again tomorrow. Hopefully if I keep up with my fitness I won’t have tooooo much extra weight to lose in the spring.