I hate it. I hate it so much. Everyone gets all excited bc it’s light out after work, but I’m a morning exerciser so what it means to me is my alarm goes off when it’s still dark and cold, and it feels like the middle of the night. Planned three runs this week and did none of them. And I’m so exhausted when I get home from work that I just can’t muster up the energy to go running in the evening. I hope I adjust by next week – it’ll officially be a month until my race, so I’ve got to get in serious training mode and stop making excuses. I hate making excuses, but SAD is a real thing. I am so affected by lack of sunshine – and it’s the morning when I need it most, to get me going. So wish me luck for next week. Maybe the sunrise will get back to before 7am by then.
I want to purge I want to purge I want to purge I want to purge I want to purge.
I’m so full and overwhelmed and fat; purging would fix all of that.
But I want to run in the morning and I know I won’t have the strength if I purge tonight.
I wish I had some laxatives; maybe I would feel better if I could just fucking shit. I’ve eaten way too goddamn much these past few days and I just want it all OUT.
So I got a little exercise today in the form of shoveling, and I only overate a little bit. Not sure if they’re related but hoping I can accomplish the same tomorrow. There’s over eight feet of snow on the ground, but the road seems fairly clean so maybe I’ll try to get a run in tomorrow morning. I’ve got a race in less than two months so I really need to start training – I haven’t gone running in almost a month so I’m basically starting at ground zero. I need to call my shrink tomorrow too and ask about upping my antidepressants; clearly dealing with my feelings on my own isn’t working and I can’t keep turning to food. So that’s my plan; let’s see if I actually stick to it… God I need to move out of New England; these winters are killing me.
I’ve had enough. I NEED to do something to break this binge cycle. My face is puffy, my stomach is bloated, and I’ve neglected basically everything I really need to do (clean, study, exercise, etc). Tomorrow I’m signing up for the BAA Distance Medley (a 5k, 10k, and half-marathon in April, June, and October, respectively) so at least that will give me motivation to get back to running in the morning. I’m also going to call my shrink and see if I can up my Wellbutrin at least until spring comes. I can’t take three more months of feeling this miserable all the time. And of course we’re supposed to get a huge blizzard Tues-Wed, so I’ll be house-bound for at least a day, if not two, which I really can’t manage after this weekend. It’s also going to make work suck more than usual when I go back (basically the whole state is expected to shut down on Tuesday, so I’m assuming I won’t be working) and stress just makes the binging worse.
But at least I have a plan now. I mapped out my routes for all three running distances, and have my clothes laid out to go in the morning. Still trying to figure out lunch – part of me thinks I should starve, but the other part of me knows I need protein to support my running – but I guess one step at a time. The important thing is there is no more junk food left in the house so maybe I can get a handle on my eating while I’m at home at least.
I am such a fat slug.
So I hopped on the scale yesterday and I’m back to 116, which was receiving. I literally ate all the remaining binge food in my house Monday, so to go down that much in only a day of restricting means a lot if my “gain” must have just been bloat. But I’m still up four pounds from where I was two weeks ago so that’s a bit upsetting.
Anyway, to the title of this post. I finally ended my little pity party and went dragged myself out of bed Tuesday and today for a run, and it felt good! It’s amazing what a difference a morning run makes on my mood for the day. And I’m not one of those “runners high” people; I still find every mile to be work, but I do enjoy the effects when I’m done. And I won’t lie, I like the alone time too. The apt I currently live in with the hubs is very open-concept, which I know most people like but it means there is no where to go to be alone. We’re finally moving into our new house next week, which has more segmented rooms, and I think it will be a nice change of pace. But I digress.
I just wish I lived somewhere that didn’t have winter. Fall is great for running so that’s fine, but I can’t really see myself heading out when there’s a foot of snow on the ground. Which I guess is why I have SAD.
I’ve been so unbelievably busy it’s not even funny. I’m losing weight without even trying (yay!) because I’m literally too busy to eat. Popping Klonopin like its candy tho, which I know is bad. Just trying to stop feeling like I’m going to explode.
Running has been suffering lately too. The stress is making me feel physically exhausted to the point where if I do manage to drag myself out of bed my legs feel like they’re made of lead.
It’s all work shit too. I hate work. I don’t get paid enough for this shit. I want to quit but I haven’t had time to find a new job. Ugh.
Anyway, I am out of writing time. Ttfn.
So this morning I ran my first-ever 5k race – yay! And I set a personal record for speed so that was exciting. And then I put an offer in on a house so that was exciting too. But then I spent the rest of the day eating shit.
I tried to feel normal about it for a while. It was football Sunday, and we had some beers and apps. And then we had dinner later. But then I got home and I just felt so bloated and gross that I just said “fuck it” and ate a bag of Reeses Pieces.
So now I need to work out tomorrow even though it’s a holiday and I was planning on taking the day off. Maybe I’ll do something other than running, like a long walk or whatever. Blerg.
But the weird part is I don’t even feel like purging (although I would probably go ahead and take some laxatives if I had them). I just like can’t be bothered. I’m completely out of fucks to give today.