The week before my period is the worst time for my ED. All I want to do is eat crap all the time, and the fatigue makes me not want to work out at all. And then all the crap I eat makes me especially bloated because I’m retaining water, and so by the end of the week I feel like a giant whale. Which in turn just makes me want to eat more because my ED tells me drowning my sorrows in carbs will make me feel better – until it makes me feel worse and I need to starve or purge.
May 1st is a month until my wedding, so no pressure there. However, I think having a distinct time frame in which I need to cut out all the crap will be helpful – if I want to eat something I can tell myself I can have it at the end of the month (and hopefully by then I won’t want it!). My runs are getting longer, but that’s kind of a double-edged sword – it burns calories and boosts my mood, but it makes me so goddamn hungry.
But I’m also done with school next week! So hopefully the removal of that stress will help with the stress-eating a bit at least. I just want to lose five pounds of fat. I was originally aiming for 110, but I’ve come to the realization that that weight is maybe a little too low and won’t be long-term sustainable. So 115 sounds like a nice goal. I just want to be a little less squishy, a little more defined. Is that so much to ask?
So I fucking kicked ass in my race today and I’ve been on cloud nine all day. I didn’t want to fuck it up so instead of sitting around when I got home I sat out in the sun and then raked leaves. I made responsible good choices all day, properly fueling my body but not over-doing it. I don’t remember the last time I felt this good. I obviously can’t run a race every day, so how do I duplicate this feeling?
I’m running my first race of the year tomorrow, so of course I decided to binge tonight. I’m trying not to purge bc I don’t want to be dehydrated for my race, but now I’m full and nauseous and am afraid I won’t sleep well. I’m also afraid I’m going to look like a flabby sausage next to all the serious runners.
Why do I always do this to myself? Whenever things seem like they might go well, I do shit like this that’s bound to fuck it up. Always. Why can’t I just let go of ED and get on with my life?
so I realized today that I have no idea how to be fit and healthy. I’m always either on a weight-loss diet, which leads to poor fitness performance, or I’m binging, which is not healthy. I’m still stuck in the mindset of running to burn calories instead of running to improve my physical fitness (and can’t seem to separate “fitness” from”thinness” either). I’m not trying to gain weight – I’m technically in the “normal” weight range, so I don’t need to either – but I can’t for the life of me figure out how to eat healthy without restricting and I know it’s interfering with my race training. But a junk-food diet also is impeding my progress , so I don’t know how to find my happy medium. Anyone had this issue before and have any advice? I’m hoping once I’m done with grad school (in one month!) I’ll stop stress-eating so much, but that doesn’t help with the restriction half.
Anyone else ever notice that whenever something good is happening something else always seems to come along and ruin the mood? No, just me?
I’ve finally gotten back into a routine with my running – my Asics app gives me a training plan, and I’ve been following it. But rather than start to feel good about my body for what it can do, ED reminds me that my stomach is pouchy any my arms are flabby abd my ass is shaped like a big box. I simultaneously want to binge and to starve.
Then there’s the rest of my life – I finally accomplish one big task, and there’s 20 other things of equal importance that I feel guilty and anxious about neglecting.
I’m just so tired of needing to do so much at once. I’m burnt out, plain and simple. Even the things I want to do I can’t seem to focus on bc my brain is simply done.
And that just makes me feel like a giant failure, so the easiest thing to focus on is my body. It’s my fat stomach that’s the problem, not my life as a whole.
I create these situations myself, I just don’t know how to get out.
it just WONT STOP SNOWING. I can’t run and my race is going to be here in three weeks. I can’t even run three miles right now; I’m going to make a fool out of myself and waste my money. It’s really depressing me and making me just want to say fuck it and stuff my face. Either that or just starve myself so at least if I’m a slug I won’t be a fat slug.
The hubs doesn’t understand at all. He’s like “why do you let it bother you so much, you’ll be fine” – I can barely do two miles, never mind three, and I have three weeks to get both my distance and my speed back up to race standards. I thought running was supposed to make me feel better, not give me one more thing to have anxiety about.
And besides that, I just need some fucking sunshine.
So I did good and went running today and yesterday but I also haven’t been able to stop stuffing my face. I guess I will need to run more to counteract that.
I know I didn’t run at all for a month and then only very scarcely for a month or two before that, but I feel like now I’m back at square one and it’s really depressing. I had gotten used to running being almost fun, and pretty easy, and now it’s hard again and I don’t remember how to run like a beginner and I’m constantly getting shin splints.
Summer is coming up. I’m in three weddings. I need to STOP EATING CRAP. Why am I always so hungry? I’m not even trying to restrict; I know I need to eat for my body to heal and my muscles to regenerate and whatnot. I had a veggie omelet for breakfast, a grilled portobello sandwich and fries for lunch, boiled veg for dinner, and even one of those individual serving-size cups of Edy’s Slow Churned ice cream. That should have been PLENTY OF FOOD, so why was I still starving? Why did I eat most of a bag of chips and four Cadbury eggs?
Of course now I’m too full to go to bed, so I’ll end up not running tomorrow because I’m too tired, and that’s why I’m getting fat and out of shape.
It’s a vicious cycle and I’m so sick of being stuck in it.
I hate it. I hate it so much. Everyone gets all excited bc it’s light out after work, but I’m a morning exerciser so what it means to me is my alarm goes off when it’s still dark and cold, and it feels like the middle of the night. Planned three runs this week and did none of them. And I’m so exhausted when I get home from work that I just can’t muster up the energy to go running in the evening. I hope I adjust by next week – it’ll officially be a month until my race, so I’ve got to get in serious training mode and stop making excuses. I hate making excuses, but SAD is a real thing. I am so affected by lack of sunshine – and it’s the morning when I need it most, to get me going. So wish me luck for next week. Maybe the sunrise will get back to before 7am by then.
I want to purge I want to purge I want to purge I want to purge I want to purge.
I’m so full and overwhelmed and fat; purging would fix all of that.
But I want to run in the morning and I know I won’t have the strength if I purge tonight.
I wish I had some laxatives; maybe I would feel better if I could just fucking shit. I’ve eaten way too goddamn much these past few days and I just want it all OUT.
So I got a little exercise today in the form of shoveling, and I only overate a little bit. Not sure if they’re related but hoping I can accomplish the same tomorrow. There’s over eight feet of snow on the ground, but the road seems fairly clean so maybe I’ll try to get a run in tomorrow morning. I’ve got a race in less than two months so I really need to start training – I haven’t gone running in almost a month so I’m basically starting at ground zero. I need to call my shrink tomorrow too and ask about upping my antidepressants; clearly dealing with my feelings on my own isn’t working and I can’t keep turning to food. So that’s my plan; let’s see if I actually stick to it… God I need to move out of New England; these winters are killing me.