So I did good and went running today and yesterday but I also haven’t been able to stop stuffing my face. I guess I will need to run more to counteract that.
I know I didn’t run at all for a month and then only very scarcely for a month or two before that, but I feel like now I’m back at square one and it’s really depressing. I had gotten used to running being almost fun, and pretty easy, and now it’s hard again and I don’t remember how to run like a beginner and I’m constantly getting shin splints.
Summer is coming up. I’m in three weddings. I need to STOP EATING CRAP. Why am I always so hungry? I’m not even trying to restrict; I know I need to eat for my body to heal and my muscles to regenerate and whatnot. I had a veggie omelet for breakfast, a grilled portobello sandwich and fries for lunch, boiled veg for dinner, and even one of those individual serving-size cups of Edy’s Slow Churned ice cream. That should have been PLENTY OF FOOD, so why was I still starving? Why did I eat most of a bag of chips and four Cadbury eggs?
Of course now I’m too full to go to bed, so I’ll end up not running tomorrow because I’m too tired, and that’s why I’m getting fat and out of shape.
It’s a vicious cycle and I’m so sick of being stuck in it.
I hate it. I hate it so much. Everyone gets all excited bc it’s light out after work, but I’m a morning exerciser so what it means to me is my alarm goes off when it’s still dark and cold, and it feels like the middle of the night. Planned three runs this week and did none of them. And I’m so exhausted when I get home from work that I just can’t muster up the energy to go running in the evening. I hope I adjust by next week – it’ll officially be a month until my race, so I’ve got to get in serious training mode and stop making excuses. I hate making excuses, but SAD is a real thing. I am so affected by lack of sunshine – and it’s the morning when I need it most, to get me going. So wish me luck for next week. Maybe the sunrise will get back to before 7am by then.
So I got a little exercise today in the form of shoveling, and I only overate a little bit. Not sure if they’re related but hoping I can accomplish the same tomorrow. There’s over eight feet of snow on the ground, but the road seems fairly clean so maybe I’ll try to get a run in tomorrow morning. I’ve got a race in less than two months so I really need to start training – I haven’t gone running in almost a month so I’m basically starting at ground zero. I need to call my shrink tomorrow too and ask about upping my antidepressants; clearly dealing with my feelings on my own isn’t working and I can’t keep turning to food. So that’s my plan; let’s see if I actually stick to it… God I need to move out of New England; these winters are killing me.
I have so much to say I don’t know where to begin. I almost cried at a tv show tonight bc I gave so much pent-up emotion that I don’t know how to get out. I did good with food all week but then binged all weekend and undid everything. I might feel less guilty about it if I could run but there’s six feet of snow outside and hubs doesn’t want me to get a treadmill until we organize the basement (and I guess he’s right; there’s really no where to put it). I took a double dose of my klonopin tonight which helped a little (don’t worry; my usual dose is very low), but I still feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. And on top of that I’m just feeling very overwhelmed with life; too much to do and no time to do it. Which is partially my fault; I procrastinate too much. I guess I just feel trapped and I don’t know what to do from here. I hate what I see when I look in the mirror – both my body and the person inside who is doing nothing to make herself happier. That’s the kicker with depression; once you know what to do to kick it you’re too far gone to make it happen. Nothing matters to me right now, so how am I supposed to prioritize myself? Help?
So it’s finally a new month and hopefully I can get back on track. Technically starting my new month on the second bc the first was Super Bowl Sunday and I didn’t want to start my new month feeling like I’d already blown it bc I knew I’d binge. Which I did but whatever I’m starting over. No more junk food left in the house, but lots of fruit and tea. If it doesn’t snow this week I’ll try to get back into running too.
So not really much else to say- wish me luck!
I’ve had enough. I NEED to do something to break this binge cycle. My face is puffy, my stomach is bloated, and I’ve neglected basically everything I really need to do (clean, study, exercise, etc). Tomorrow I’m signing up for the BAA Distance Medley (a 5k, 10k, and half-marathon in April, June, and October, respectively) so at least that will give me motivation to get back to running in the morning. I’m also going to call my shrink and see if I can up my Wellbutrin at least until spring comes. I can’t take three more months of feeling this miserable all the time. And of course we’re supposed to get a huge blizzard Tues-Wed, so I’ll be house-bound for at least a day, if not two, which I really can’t manage after this weekend. It’s also going to make work suck more than usual when I go back (basically the whole state is expected to shut down on Tuesday, so I’m assuming I won’t be working) and stress just makes the binging worse.
But at least I have a plan now. I mapped out my routes for all three running distances, and have my clothes laid out to go in the morning. Still trying to figure out lunch – part of me thinks I should starve, but the other part of me knows I need protein to support my running – but I guess one step at a time. The important thing is there is no more junk food left in the house so maybe I can get a handle on my eating while I’m at home at least.
I am such a fat slug.
That’s really the only explanation for my behavior lately. I keep saying I’m going to stop binging and start working out, and then I don’t do it. Today I actually went for a run and was completely dying after 1.5 miles. I need to get back into a routine. I also realized how completely fat I’ve gotten when I started stretching afterwards and my fat rolls spilled over the top of my pants – which didn’t happen a month ago.
But i’m so goddamn hungry all the time. I’m trying to eat healthy shit – I’ve had bran cereal, chicken, broccoli, and tea so far – but all I can think about is chocolate and other candy. I can’t deal with these obsessive thoughts; they’re driving me crazy.
Every day that this shit continues the more going back to treatment would fuck up my life, but every day this shit continues not going to treatment is also fucking up my life. Fuck. I just don’t know what to do anymore.