I got tired of writing about all the plans I was making that I never kept, of all the supposed insights I was having that never actually lead to any changes. But now it’s 15 days into the new year and I finally feel like I’m making progress, beyond just numbers on a scale, so I felt like sharing.
This year, for the first year in over a decade, I didn’t make a New Years resolution to lose weight. Instead, I’m focusing on health – I resolved to eat less shit, workout more often, and watch less TV. And so far, I’m doing okay. I’m trying new workouts, like spinning and barre, and choosing not to buy junk snacks at the grocery store. I’ll admit I have slips – today I binged on a whole box of cookies and bag of chocolates – but the biggest accomplishment for me has been not giving up. I’m not quitting totally bc of my slip today; I’ll try again tomorrow.
I feel like my entire life is a giant hypocritical situation. I want to be thin, but I don’t stop stuffing my face. I hate having an eating disorder, but I want to go back to when I was just anorexic. I take care of my outer body, with lotion and serums and all that shit, but I treat my internal body like shit, with a diet of garbage and no exercise.
Part of me blames it on the depression, which just makes motivating myself to do anything so goddamn difficult. But part of me just thinks I’m fucking lazy. I know what I have to do to get my body where I want. I’m sure I’ve posted “plans” on here a dozen times. So why can’t I fucking DO that??
So I fucking kicked ass in my race today and I’ve been on cloud nine all day. I didn’t want to fuck it up so instead of sitting around when I got home I sat out in the sun and then raked leaves. I made responsible good choices all day, properly fueling my body but not over-doing it. I don’t remember the last time I felt this good. I obviously can’t run a race every day, so how do I duplicate this feeling?
I’m running my first race of the year tomorrow, so of course I decided to binge tonight. I’m trying not to purge bc I don’t want to be dehydrated for my race, but now I’m full and nauseous and am afraid I won’t sleep well. I’m also afraid I’m going to look like a flabby sausage next to all the serious runners.
Why do I always do this to myself? Whenever things seem like they might go well, I do shit like this that’s bound to fuck it up. Always. Why can’t I just let go of ED and get on with my life?
so I realized today that I have no idea how to be fit and healthy. I’m always either on a weight-loss diet, which leads to poor fitness performance, or I’m binging, which is not healthy. I’m still stuck in the mindset of running to burn calories instead of running to improve my physical fitness (and can’t seem to separate “fitness” from”thinness” either). I’m not trying to gain weight – I’m technically in the “normal” weight range, so I don’t need to either – but I can’t for the life of me figure out how to eat healthy without restricting and I know it’s interfering with my race training. But a junk-food diet also is impeding my progress , so I don’t know how to find my happy medium. Anyone had this issue before and have any advice? I’m hoping once I’m done with grad school (in one month!) I’ll stop stress-eating so much, but that doesn’t help with the restriction half.
Anyone else ever notice that whenever something good is happening something else always seems to come along and ruin the mood? No, just me?
I’ve finally gotten back into a routine with my running – my Asics app gives me a training plan, and I’ve been following it. But rather than start to feel good about my body for what it can do, ED reminds me that my stomach is pouchy any my arms are flabby abd my ass is shaped like a big box. I simultaneously want to binge and to starve.
Then there’s the rest of my life – I finally accomplish one big task, and there’s 20 other things of equal importance that I feel guilty and anxious about neglecting.
I’m just so tired of needing to do so much at once. I’m burnt out, plain and simple. Even the things I want to do I can’t seem to focus on bc my brain is simply done.
And that just makes me feel like a giant failure, so the easiest thing to focus on is my body. It’s my fat stomach that’s the problem, not my life as a whole.
I create these situations myself, I just don’t know how to get out.
it just WONT STOP SNOWING. I can’t run and my race is going to be here in three weeks. I can’t even run three miles right now; I’m going to make a fool out of myself and waste my money. It’s really depressing me and making me just want to say fuck it and stuff my face. Either that or just starve myself so at least if I’m a slug I won’t be a fat slug.
The hubs doesn’t understand at all. He’s like “why do you let it bother you so much, you’ll be fine” – I can barely do two miles, never mind three, and I have three weeks to get both my distance and my speed back up to race standards. I thought running was supposed to make me feel better, not give me one more thing to have anxiety about.
And besides that, I just need some fucking sunshine.