Tag Archives: exercise

Fat week

so all week all I’ve done is eat shit and not workout. I’m terrified to get on the scale but I feel like I should know where I’m starting my “one month to go crash wedding diet.” The goal is not starvation – I still need to be able to train for my 10k – but rather to really seriously eat healthy. I will not buy any more candy and will snack on fruit instead of chips. I will eat more protein and less carbs. I will go to bed earlier so I can get up in the morning for my runs. I will do 10 side leg lifts, 20 squats, 10 push-ups, 10 barbell curls, and a 60 second plank every evening before bed. 

So that’s the plan. But how many times have I made this plan and given up less than a week layer? I’m hoping having a set end date will be helpful – I can tell myself I can have something after the wedding, or sleep in after the wedding… And then hopefully by that time I’ll have gotten in the habit of being healthy and not want to binge or be so lazy. 

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PMS

The week before my period is the worst time for my ED. All I want to do is eat crap all the time, and the fatigue makes me not want to work out at all. And then all the crap I eat makes me especially bloated because I’m retaining water, and so by the end of the week I feel like a giant whale. Which in turn just makes me want to eat more because my ED tells me drowning my sorrows in carbs will make me feel better – until it makes me feel worse and I need to starve or purge.

May 1st is a month until my wedding, so no pressure there. However, I think having a distinct time frame in which I need to cut out all the crap will be helpful – if I want to eat something I can tell myself I can have it at the end of the month (and hopefully by then I won’t want it!). My runs are getting longer, but that’s kind of a double-edged sword – it burns calories and boosts my mood, but it makes me so goddamn hungry.

But I’m also done with school next week! So hopefully the removal of that stress will help with the stress-eating a bit at least. I just want to lose five pounds of fat. I was originally aiming for 110, but I’ve come to the realization that that weight is maybe a little too low and won’t be long-term sustainable. So 115 sounds like a nice goal. I just want to be a little less squishy, a little more defined. Is that so much to ask?

I feel…good?

So I fucking kicked ass in my race today and I’ve been on cloud nine all day. I didn’t want to fuck it up so instead of sitting around when I got home I sat out in the sun and then raked leaves. I made responsible good choices all day, properly fueling my body but not over-doing it. I don’t remember the last time I felt this good. I obviously can’t run a race every day, so how do I duplicate this feeling?

Overwhelmed

I have way too much going on right now. ED is my escape. When I’m buried with work, starving makes me feel calm and in control. When I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing, I fall back into the familiar routine of binge and purge. When I feel like things are out of control, I become very regimented with eating and exercise. 

I know all this. I know there are better ways to cope. I know I could probably focus better at work if I wasn’t starving. I know I’d be able to figure things out and get shit done if I wasn’t spending so much time binging and purging. And I know I’d feel more in control of I wasn’t letting ED control me. 

I know all this, but I can’t let go. It’s like a security blanket – when everything else is crazy and overwhelming, I can just focus on food and weight. 

I’d say I need a therapist but I don’t think I can handle having one more thing I need to do each week. 

It’s supposed to snow in the morning; I have four alarms set for my run. 

Mirror, mirror…

I feel like my body image, the mirror, and the scale never match up. I feel like a gross mess this morning but the mirror says my stomach is still mostly flat. I didn’t dare weigh myself. A few weeks ago when I was at 112 I didn’t feel any thinner – or look any thinner – than at 116 where I seem to be stuck.

When I get home from work today I need to go for a run. Maybe that will help. I think I’m feeling gross bc I know how many cals I ate last night, so if I can burn some maybe I’ll feel better.

I wish I was one of those ppl who maintained their general size but didn’t give a shit about the exact number and didn’t freak out about some extra calories. Do those ppl really exist, or do I just assume most ppl are more normal than me?

Really wishing I’d skipped breakfast this morning, even tho I know it’s good I ate. I hate days like this.

I just want to look how I feel.

Annoyed – I started this entry a while ago and it appears to have been lost as it’s not in my drafts or anything ­čśŽ Nothing is ever as good the second time. But let’s see if I remember where I was…

I gained TEN FUCKING POUNDS in the past two weeks. I am a giant fat blob. And my family says I look so “great” and “healthy” and al that bullshit that I know means they can see I’ve gained and am no longer underweight. Well I don’t want to look great and healthy because I’m NOT. I’m not great, I’m not healthy – I’m fucking miserable and goddamn I just want someone to notice. It is so completely exhausting to pretend everything is perfect all the time. And of course the more people think everything is great the more they come to expect of me and the perfectionist in me just can’t seem to admit that anything is wrong. Well something IS wrong; I’ve been slowly killing myself for almost a decade and have only had anyone show concern ONCE, when I was at my lowest weight way back when I’d only been dealing with this shit for a year. So I guess I need to get back to that weight.

It’s funny, I had almost started to think that maybe there was such a thing as too thin, that I could be happy at a normal/healthy weight and eat regular meals and all that jazz. Ironically, the weight that I now consider way too high is a weight that I would have killed for five years ago when I was mostly binging without purging and got up to my heaviest. But I can’t. I’m an all-or-nothing person, and that applies 100% to my eating. I’m either eating everything or eating nothing, and eating everything will take me way beyond a normal weight. I refuse to buy larger clothes, and have people say “oh she used to be so skinny.” Fuck that. When girls get fat it’s just assumed we’ve “let ourselves go” but that nothing could possibly be wrong – so we’re dismissed as the fat girl who used to be thin but still held to the same expectations in all other aspects of our lives. But if I get back to being really skinny, as I’ve seen in the past, people notice. People care. People want to take care of you and love and nurture you and shelter you from life’s hardships. And most of all, people finally see that no, everything is not okay.

I’m not okay.

I don’t need to be nurtured and fawned over, but jesus would it kill people to act like they gave a shit? Even my fianc├ę, who sees me gobble up tubes of cookie dough right before I go to “wash up for bed” and then sees me only order a salad when we go out, never asks how I’m doing or shows any concern that something might be wrong. But then again he’s a giant alcoholic so he’s got his own shit to worry about I suppose…

Is this what being a “grown up” means? Being left alone with your shit with no one caring what you’re doing as long as it doesn’t affect them? Well frankly, that’s a load of shit. I want someone to care, and if they won’t do it now then I will fucking make them care.

Going low-carb starting tomorrow. Which basically means I won’t eat much, as I’m already a┬ápescetarian and consist largely off grains (plus peanut butter mmmm). But living a “low-carb lifestyle” is totally acceptable among my circle, so honestly they’ll probably encourage it. Also going to cut back on the morning overtime so I can get back into running before work. And the bag of Reeses that I accidentally left in my desk over the weekend and so couldn’t finish in this last binge will be given to the sweet little cleaning lady who loves chocolate.

Let’s see how long until someone notices ANYTHING.

What is wrong with me??

I am turning into a fat lazy blob. I’ve been eating like shit and not exercising at all. I am visibly larger – all my hard work gone to waste. I don’t have money to buy new clothes to hide in, so this has got to stop.

I read an article today about the psychology of eating and every single thing applied to me, at least on a subconscious level. It explains why I’m at work with no food in my desk I’m so easily able to resist eating all day, but if there’s anything accessible – even if it’s hidden away – if I know it’s there I’ll obsess about it all day until I give in.

Also, completely unrelated to that, I am a very anxious person. My nails are bitten to the quick constantly. But I only bite my nails when I’m not snacking. It’s like I have this strange need to constantly be putting my hand to my mouth. I wasn’t a thumb-sucker as a child either so I really don’t get it.

I have GOT to get back to running tomorrow.