Tag Archives: eating

Shameless 

I am close to a breakdown. I can feel it. I’ve been binging all day, couldn’t muster the energy to go outside even though it was freaking gorgeous, and just keep wanting to cry. I feel like a giant whale, even though I know I look thin from photos taken yesterday and comments by relatives. 

I thought writing would make me feel better but I literally can’t think of anything to say that isn’t completely self-depreciating and awful. I’ll just sum it up simply: Failure. 

Fitness

so I realized today that I have no idea how to be fit and healthy. I’m always either on a weight-loss diet, which leads to poor fitness performance, or I’m binging, which is not healthy. I’m still stuck in the mindset of running to burn calories instead of running to improve my physical fitness (and can’t seem to separate “fitness” from”thinness” either). I’m not trying to gain weight – I’m technically in the “normal” weight range, so I don’t need to either – but I can’t for the life of me figure out how to eat healthy without restricting and I know it’s interfering with my race training. But a junk-food diet also is impeding my progress , so I don’t know how to find my happy medium. Anyone had this issue before and have any advice? I’m hoping once I’m done with grad school (in one month!) I’ll stop stress-eating so much, but that doesn’t help with the restriction half. 

Proud

So kind of proud of myself. I’ve made it through the whole work week without binging once! Now if I can get through the weekend… Weekends are extra tough because there’s no structure. I need routine. During the week I’ve been doing breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, evening snack and I think that’s helped a lot to have a regular eating schedule. But on weekends I sleep late so breakfast is late and then there’s no morning snack but I’m not hungry at lunch so then I just end up having snack then, and then even if I have another snack in the afternoon I’m starving by evening and want to eat all the things. Also doesn’t help that I eat when I’m bored. Any advice?

I hate Thanksgiving.

I have not stopped eating for a week, and haven’t worked out either. I can see myself getting softer and bigger and I just feel like a disgusting blob. It’s gotten to the point where I’m just eating all the junk I have because I want it out of the house so I can get back on track next week. Sometimes I purge, sometimes I don’t. I think I’ve just been so stressed out with work and life that I haven’t had the mental energy left to make an effort with my eating.

How much weight could I have possibly gained in a week? I’m terrified to get on the scale, but i know that sometimes I tend to assume the worst when it’s not really so bad. I mean, any gain is upsetting, but if I’m only up a pound or two to 114-115, then that’s okay. But if I’m 117 or more I’m going to be really upset.

Which is so crazy, because there was definitely a time when I would have done anything to be 117. Back when I was b/p-ing 10 times a day, I was in the 130s (even the 140s for a while) and thought 125 would be a great weight to maintain and be thin but healthy. But now I’m back to my anorexia-binging subtype and 120 seems way way way too high. I’m thinking about all the desperate shit I did to try to lose weight and wondering if it would be worth doing any of that again – thinking diet pills, even drugs.

Ugh I am so tired of this.

What is wrong with me??

I am turning into a fat lazy blob. I’ve been eating like shit and not exercising at all. I am visibly larger – all my hard work gone to waste. I don’t have money to buy new clothes to hide in, so this has got to stop.

I read an article today about the psychology of eating and every single thing applied to me, at least on a subconscious level. It explains why I’m at work with no food in my desk I’m so easily able to resist eating all day, but if there’s anything accessible – even if it’s hidden away – if I know it’s there I’ll obsess about it all day until I give in.

Also, completely unrelated to that, I am a very anxious person. My nails are bitten to the quick constantly. But I only bite my nails when I’m not snacking. It’s like I have this strange need to constantly be putting my hand to my mouth. I wasn’t a thumb-sucker as a child either so I really don’t get it.

I have GOT to get back to running tomorrow.

Backwards.

B/P’d at work today. It’s been a while since I did that. And the worst part is, I was actually trying. Contrary to how I may sound sometimes, I DO want to get better. I don’t want to be a slave to calories and weight and food and fat forever. So today I decided I would eat a real lunch. I’d already had a decent breakfast (banana with peanut butter, small pumpkin muffin, coffee) and had an AM snack (apple), and I decided I would get a falafel salad for lunch. But as soon as I started eating I was instantly out of control. I literally could not get the food in my mouth fast enough. And then once I finished I wanted something sweet so I ate a bag of candy the same way – five pieces in my mouth at a time, not enjoying it at all but still unable to stop or even slow down. And then the candy was gone and I could feel my whole body swelling up, like afraid my pants would split open and my guy would pop out and my whole self would turn to a big fat blob. So I went in the bathroom and purged. And then – I didn’t feel better. Less likely to explode, maybe, but still like a gross blob, nauseous and thirsty as hell. I didn’t want to guzzle water to quench my thirst bc that would just make me feel bloated again, and somehow I still had the urge to keep eating. If I had free access to a private room and bathroom I probably would have gone back to the store for $50 worth of food and flushed it all down to the toilet. And now I’m gone with work and am trying to remember what’s left in the house to eat, and if I’ll be able to purge it without my fiancĂ© noticing. Fuck me.

Why can’t I do this? Why are my days where I deliberately restrict healthier and more balanced than the days I start off with good intentions? Why can’t I eat like a normal person??

Please excuse my absence.

I’ve been so unbelievably busy it’s not even funny. I’m losing weight without even trying (yay!) because I’m literally too busy to eat. Popping Klonopin like its candy tho, which I know is bad. Just trying to stop feeling like I’m going to explode.

Running has been suffering lately too. The stress is making me feel physically exhausted to the point where if I do manage to drag myself out of bed my legs feel like they’re made of lead.

It’s all work shit too. I hate work. I don’t get paid enough for this shit. I want to quit but I haven’t had time to find a new job. Ugh.

Anyway, I am out of writing time. Ttfn.

Accomplishment and failure.

So this morning I ran my first-ever 5k race – yay! And I set a personal record for speed so that was exciting. And then I put an offer in on a house so that was exciting too. But then I spent the rest of the day eating shit.

I tried to feel normal about it for a while. It was football Sunday, and we had some beers and apps. And then we had dinner later. But then I got home and I just felt so bloated and gross that I just said “fuck it” and ate a bag of Reeses Pieces.

So now I need to work out tomorrow even though it’s a holiday and I was planning on taking the day off. Maybe I’ll do something other than running, like a long walk or whatever. Blerg.

But the weird part is I don’t even feel like purging (although I would probably go ahead and take some laxatives if I had them). I just like can’t be bothered. I’m completely out of fucks to give today.