Are EDs only for young girls? The educated part of me knows ED can strike any age, background, or gender, but my experience makes me think it’s something I can outgrow. The action part of it at least; I don’t know if the mental part will ever go away. But restricting and committing to exercise seemed so much easier 5-10 years ago. Now I can apparently only restrict until someone puts something yummy in front of me, and can only seem to exercise for 30 mins before boredom overwhelms me. But the mental part hasn’t gone away; I still feel like a fat whale most of the time and freak out whenever I step onto the scale. When I eat in public I’m like a bird, but when I eat at home I’m like a starving child. I feel so lost. I feel like a failure – both with ED, bc I can’t seem to do that properly, and as an adult, bc I can’t eat normally either. I’m applying for law school and honestly the most exciting part is the prospect of being able to skip dinner three nights a week. (Last time I was in school at night I lost 15 lbs pretty easily bc I wasn’t eating dinner or desert.) I thought about writing about ED in my personal statement but I was afraid they’d think I was too fucked up to accept me. Ugh. I need to just approach this like the adult I allegedly am – stop buying shit I don’t want to eat. Unfortunately, that’s easier said than done.
After two nights of binging, I finally gave in this morning and b/p-ed. Just woke up and started eating, then purged, then ate more, then purged again. And now I’m eaten by again, but my husband will be home soon so I can’t purge. I just feel like such a failure. I want to cry and give up. All I can think of is when I first made get transition from anorexia to bulimia and I just felt so helpless, like I’ll never be thin again. That’s how I feel now. Last time it lead to a downward spiral of drugs and all sorts of desperate measures to lose the weight. I don’t want to go down that path again, but I have to get this weight off. I am so uncomfortable in my skin right now; it’s making me want to wear nothing by sweatpants and sweatshirts and isolate as much as possible. And since that’s not an option – my husband keeps dragging me out, and I have to wear nice clothes to work and most functions – I just feel so disgusting and like everything must be judging me. I have to go find a dress for tonight that will hide my fat.
So I leaned something on my trip to Europe – food doesn’t need to be a big deal. It’s a social event, it’s fuel – but it doesn’t need to be agonized over and certainly isn’t worth feeling guilty about. I was so proud of myself over there – I ate pasta, and cheese, and all sorts of “bad” things that usually would give me anxiety to have once a day, never mind at every meal. And for the most part, I felt okay. I was active most of the day, and enjoyed the whole experience instead of worrying about how many calories I was consuming.
But now I’m back, and tonight I b/p’d on a pint of ice cream and a box of cookies. I’m realizing that I can be okay with my fear foods if they’re portioned for me, but if I’m left to my own devices I eat way too much and can’t sit with the fullness and have to get rid of it before my anxiety consumes me. I had ice cream and cookies in Europe, but I was served a small amount with no option to get more (aside from actually ordering another which would be way too humiliating to be a real option). Also, when I don’t have enough structure in my day, my default is to eat. I hardly snacked at all in Europe bc I was so busy, but now I’m back to thinking about eating every moment of the day. And I am incredibly lazy – I just cannot pry myself off the couch to go work out or anything, but exploring each city in Europe kept me walking for hours and loving it.
I was happy for two weeks – aside from moving to Europe, how do I get that feeling back?
I am such a fat, disgusting cow. Just constantly chewing, constantly eating. No wonder I can’t run 10k. No wonder my husband would rather binge drink than fuck me. I am lazy and gross. I need to get control back. I need to stop eating.
I am close to a breakdown. I can feel it. I’ve been binging all day, couldn’t muster the energy to go outside even though it was freaking gorgeous, and just keep wanting to cry. I feel like a giant whale, even though I know I look thin from photos taken yesterday and comments by relatives.
I thought writing would make me feel better but I literally can’t think of anything to say that isn’t completely self-depreciating and awful. I’ll just sum it up simply: Failure.
so I realized today that I have no idea how to be fit and healthy. I’m always either on a weight-loss diet, which leads to poor fitness performance, or I’m binging, which is not healthy. I’m still stuck in the mindset of running to burn calories instead of running to improve my physical fitness (and can’t seem to separate “fitness” from”thinness” either). I’m not trying to gain weight – I’m technically in the “normal” weight range, so I don’t need to either – but I can’t for the life of me figure out how to eat healthy without restricting and I know it’s interfering with my race training. But a junk-food diet also is impeding my progress , so I don’t know how to find my happy medium. Anyone had this issue before and have any advice? I’m hoping once I’m done with grad school (in one month!) I’ll stop stress-eating so much, but that doesn’t help with the restriction half.
So kind of proud of myself. I’ve made it through the whole work week without binging once! Now if I can get through the weekend… Weekends are extra tough because there’s no structure. I need routine. During the week I’ve been doing breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, evening snack and I think that’s helped a lot to have a regular eating schedule. But on weekends I sleep late so breakfast is late and then there’s no morning snack but I’m not hungry at lunch so then I just end up having snack then, and then even if I have another snack in the afternoon I’m starving by evening and want to eat all the things. Also doesn’t help that I eat when I’m bored. Any advice?