Today I’m not struggling with food. Today I’m struggling with my co-addiction: drugs. I really want some coke, or at least some dope. I know most ppl would take the H first, but coke was and prob always will be my first love. Unfortunately – or maybe fortunately, in the long run – I don’t know where to get any anymore. So I’m just sitting here all antsy and will probably end up binging on junk food as a substitute. *sigh* Is there anyone who doesn’t struggle with some sort of addictive behavior??
I’m fat. I’m going on a diet. I’m just like every other woman in America and am no longer special. I’m not “the skinny one” anymore.
I just ordered Clen, which I haven’t taken since I was I college and deep into my ED. So I guess I’m going back down that route. I don’t know how to feel about this. I remember being so miserable and hopeless then – I even got addicted to coke after starting it to lose weight – but I’m also pretty miserable and hopeless now, and at least I was losing weight then.
I’m determined to get back to working out and eating clean, also. I’m not going to spend money on drugs and undo everything by constantly binging. I’ll take the Clen this once to get back on track and then hopefully when it runs out I’ll be back to my skinny habits.
God I’m so pathetic.
So after a week of binging (and some purging), I’m planning a healthy diet plan again. I’ve heard good things about South Beach but I honestly feel like the amount of food will be too much for me to feel comfortable. But it did make me think – I never realized how many carbs I eat; no wonder I’m always hungry and getting fat. So if I eat eggs and coffee for breakfast, that’s less than 1g. Then Diet Coke for lunch is less than 1g there. So even if my husband makes rice (39-43g) or potatoes (26g) with dinner (which is almost always chicken and veg, so low carb for the rest), I can still stay under 50g; I think that’s going to be my goal. And supposedly eating more protein and less carbs will make me less hungry so maybe it will help stop the obsessive good thoughts as well. We’ll see. I’m trying not to get my hopes up; every time I get excited about a new diet plan I blow it within days. I just feel so disgusted with myself – I’ve gained 10lbs since my wedding eight months ago; this is completely unacceptable. I can’t let myself get fat again. I CAN’T. If my weight hits 130lbs I’m ordering clenbuterol; it will make me feel shitty and fuck with my heart, but at least I know it works fast if I don’t binge. God, I feel like I’m back where I was 10 years ago when the bulimia really started taking over, except now it’s worse bc I’m trying not to purge so I’m just gaining super fast. Ugh I hate myself.