I often wonder if scientific exploration of EDs do more harm than good. Like I know I sometimes exhibit traits of Aspergers, but getting an actual diagnosis of an intellectual disorder like that would cause my self esteem to plummet. I need to think I’m normal with some minor issues; anything else sends me into a spiral of hopelessness. I often imagine my “normal” coworkers talking about my craziness and it makes me want to be more stringent in my eating so as to at least have control over something in my life. I actually bought diet pills the other day in the hopes of losing 5-10 lbs – hoping that if I can at least get my weight on track I can play like I have my life on track. I don’t know how to get out of this spiral. Help?
So I’m waiting for the plumber (who’s late), which means I can’t go work out like I’d normally do on Saturday mornings. This is giving me massive anxiety. It’s weird because I don’t even work out every day (I’m much more likely to actually do it when I can’t just say “I’ll do it tomorrow”), but when I can’t do my scheduled days (Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday, in case you were wondering) I get really anxious. Like, I need to burn the calories right now omg! It’s weird.
The Clen probably isn’t helping with the anxiety since it increases my heart rate, but at least I feel less hopeless about being fat forever.
So after weeks of seeing my weight plateau or even go up when I thought I was being healthy – and I mean that sincerely; I was trying to work out and eat balanced meals, not restrict or purge – I couldn’t take it anymore and I ordered Clen. I’ve been taking it for about a week and I’m down three or four pounds, so that’s good. Hopefully I lose five more in the next week so I can be back at my comfortable weight and then just work on maintaining – Clen is supposed to be taken only for two weeks at a time or it stops working so I’ve only got six days left. I wish it didn’t have to be like this, but at least I’m not sticking my head in a toilet…