I try to enjoy it; I really do. I even start to feel festive by the time I wake up thanksgiving morning. Unfortunately, by the time I’m laying in bed that night, as now, I loathe both the holiday and myself. Why can’t I just eat a normal meal? Why do I get full so quickly on actual food but then have seven desserts? (Literally, seven.) I have zero desire to eat tomorrow and hope I can get to at least dinner without doing so. Thank goodness it’s back to a regular schedule next week and I can heavily restrict three days and at least skip lunch the other two. Also, I’ve got to get more exercise. My thighs are so squishy it’s horrifying. My sister got gastric bypass surgery recently so she gets full quickly and “can’t” eat dessert or other simple carbs. I wish bring morbidly obese wasn’t a requirement to get that. I need it as prevention, to physically stop me from stuffing my face whenever there’s food around. I was watching a drug documentary when I got home tonight and honestly for like an hour I was wishing I was still a drug addict so I’d be obsessing about that instead of just food all the time. My sister’s bestie is super tall and thin and is on the ketogenic diet, which everyone accepts for some reason. I stopped eating meat a decade ago with no issue; maybe I just need to start telling everyone I don’t eat sugar or something so the fear of being called out will keep me accountable. Hmm…
I often wonder if scientific exploration of EDs do more harm than good. Like I know I sometimes exhibit traits of Aspergers, but getting an actual diagnosis of an intellectual disorder like that would cause my self esteem to plummet. I need to think I’m normal with some minor issues; anything else sends me into a spiral of hopelessness. I often imagine my “normal” coworkers talking about my craziness and it makes me want to be more stringent in my eating so as to at least have control over something in my life. I actually bought diet pills the other day in the hopes of losing 5-10 lbs – hoping that if I can at least get my weight on track I can play like I have my life on track. I don’t know how to get out of this spiral. Help?
So low carb lasted about two and a half days. While I will say I dropped eight pounds over three days, it’s so all-or-nothing that as soon as I ate some carbs I ate all the carbs. So I’m back to trying moderation and it’s just not working. I’m either eating way too little or way too much. I wish I could go back to purging without hating myself more.
I guess on the plus side, I’ve been doing really well with my workouts – averaging five days a week (four weekday and one weekend). So maybe I can get toned enough to get smaller even if the scale doesn’t reflect it. I should have taken “before” measurements. Is it too late to start now?
But please, someone, figure out a way to stop me from ever thinking a pint of ice cream is a smart purchase.
That’s all I want. I feel like if I could figure out how to do that, everything else would fall into place. I wouldn’t keep binging if I wasn’t turning to food for comfort. I would exercise if I wasn’t too depressed to get out of bed. I would make love to my husband if I didn’t feel so disgusting and like I wanted to cry all the time. But I just can’t seem to do it. I don’t know how. I’ve been depressed pretty much as long as I can remember. I feel like I need to start completely from scratch but I don’t know where to start. Help?