After like seven years together, my shrink is moving to St. Louis. She wants me to get set up with someone new before our last appt next month. But I don’t want to. I’ve been doing this shit for half my life, and I am fucking tired of it. I’m so goddamn tired of caring so much about the numbers on the scale and on my pants. I am so goddamn tired of my self esteem being inversely correlated to the number of calories I eat each day. I’ll begrudgingly call my PCP’s office and ask for a referral a few days before I see my shrink for the last time only because I need someone to keep writing my prescriptions. But I don’t want to start over working through my issues. I don’t want to start over trying to be happy when it’s February and I haven’t seen the sun in a week and I’m eating a pint of Ben & Jerry’s for lunch. I just want to be a fucking normal 30 year old. I’m too old for this shit.
My wedding dress came in last week, so I finally went and tried it on this morning. I was really not feeling so hot up to the appointment, as I’ve been eating like shit (and b/p-ing) and not exercising this week. But then I got there and tried on the dress and I felt beautiful. I looked tiny and lovely and kind of like a princess. I was looking in the store mirror and I couldn’t believe how little my waist looked. My collarbones were popping out on my shoulders, and even my arms seemed less jiggly. Of course, I could still feel the fat underneath the dress, but I had a moment where I was actually happy with my appearance.
Maybe it was seeing myself in a different light, or a different mirror – I get so used to just seeing all my problem areas in my bathroom or bedroom mirrors that perhaps the change in scenery allowed me to see the whole picture. Or maybe it was the dress, with its corseted waist and clever fabric alignment – and honestly, who doesn’t look pretty in a wedding dress? Or maybe – just maybe – I’m not the gross beast I think I am after all. Maybe.
I seriously do not understand the human body. I’ve taken multiple classes about biology, chemistry, nutrition, etc – I even went to nursing school for a while – and yet, I am absolutely flabbergasted every time I step on the scale. If I’ve been restricting for a while I expect the number to be lower, and yet sometimes it doesn’t even budge. If I’ve been having a week of eating shit I expect the number to be higher, and while sometimes it does go up it sometimes then comes back down while I continue to eat shit. How am I supposed to know what to do to get the number I want?