Tag Archives: addiction

I hate thanksgiving

I try to enjoy it; I really do. I even start to feel festive by the time I wake up thanksgiving morning. Unfortunately, by the time I’m laying in bed that night, as now, I loathe both the holiday and myself. Why can’t I just eat a normal meal? Why do I get full so quickly on actual food but then have seven desserts? (Literally, seven.) I have zero desire to eat tomorrow and hope I can get to at least dinner without doing so. Thank goodness it’s back to a regular schedule next week and I can heavily restrict three days and at least skip lunch the other two. Also, I’ve got to get more exercise. My thighs are so squishy it’s horrifying. My sister got gastric bypass surgery recently so she gets full quickly and “can’t” eat dessert or other simple carbs. I wish bring morbidly obese wasn’t a requirement to get that. I need it as prevention, to physically stop me from stuffing my face whenever there’s food around. I was watching a drug documentary when I got home tonight and honestly for like an hour I was wishing I was still a drug addict so I’d be obsessing about that instead of just food all the time. My sister’s bestie is super tall and thin and is on the ketogenic diet, which everyone accepts for some reason. I stopped eating meat a decade ago with no issue; maybe I just need to start telling everyone I don’t eat sugar or something so the fear of being called out will keep me accountable. Hmm…

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Addiction

Anyone else ever get triggered by someone acting on their own addiction, even if it’s not food? Every time my husband passes out drunk on the couch I spend the rest of the night binging, usually ending with a purge. I’m never actually hungry, and sometimes I’m almost full already, but I literally can’t stop eating until there’s nothing left to eat. I can’t figure out if his drinking actually triggers me in some way, or if I’m using food to cope because I’m upset about it, or if him being passsed out is just a convenient time for me to binge in peace and purge without being caught. Whatever the reason, now I’m left feeling disgusting and like a failure. 

Codependency?

My husband is an alcoholic. This is nothing new; he’s been like this as long as we’ve been together. But lately it’s starting to bother me more. I think we were initially bonded over both having addictions – my bulimia and his alcoholism. But as I’ve taken steps in my recovery – reduced purging, smaller binges – he’s remained the same or even gotten worse. We’re no longer at the same places in our addictions, and while I’m actively trying to get better, he doesn’t seem to care. He keeps promising he’ll cut down, but that lasts maybe a week before he’s falling down drunk again. I love him like crazy and absolutely don’t want to leave him or even consider the idea, but I don’t know how to make him want to get better. I just want him to try, honestly. Seeing him not even trying makes my resolve weaken and I end up eating shit I’d promised myself I wouldn’t. How do I fix this?