I’m back! 

I got tired of writing about all the plans I was making that I never kept, of all the supposed insights I was having that never actually lead to any changes. But now it’s 15 days into the new year and I finally feel like I’m making progress, beyond just numbers on a scale, so I felt like sharing. 

This year, for the first year in over a decade, I didn’t make a New Years resolution to lose weight. Instead, I’m focusing on health – I resolved to eat less shit, workout more often, and watch less TV. And so far, I’m doing okay. I’m trying new workouts, like spinning and barre, and choosing not to buy junk snacks at the grocery store. I’ll admit I have slips – today I binged on a whole box of cookies and bag of chocolates – but the biggest accomplishment for me has been not giving up. I’m not quitting totally bc of my slip today; I’ll try again tomorrow. 

A break from the usual. 

Today I’m not struggling with food. Today I’m struggling with my co-addiction: drugs. I really want some coke, or at least some dope. I know most ppl would take the H first, but coke was and prob always will be my first love. Unfortunately – or maybe fortunately, in the long run – I don’t know where to get any anymore. So I’m just sitting here all antsy and will probably end up binging on junk food as a substitute. *sigh* Is there anyone who doesn’t struggle with some sort of addictive behavior?? 

Am I too old for this?

Are EDs only for young girls? The educated part of me knows ED can strike any age, background, or gender, but my experience makes me think it’s something I can outgrow. The action part of it at least; I don’t know if the mental part will ever go away. But restricting and committing to exercise seemed so much easier 5-10 years ago. Now I can apparently only restrict until someone puts something yummy in front of me, and can only seem to exercise for 30 mins before boredom overwhelms me. But the mental part hasn’t gone away; I still feel like a fat whale most of the time and freak out whenever I step onto the scale. When I eat in public I’m like a bird, but when I eat at home I’m like a starving child. I feel so lost. I feel like a failure – both with ED, bc I can’t seem to do that properly, and as an adult, bc I can’t eat normally either. I’m applying for law school and honestly the most exciting part is the prospect of being able to skip dinner three nights a week. (Last time I was in school at night I lost 15 lbs pretty easily bc I wasn’t eating dinner or desert.)  I thought about writing about ED in my personal statement but I was afraid they’d think I was too fucked up to accept me. Ugh. I need to just approach this like the adult I allegedly am – stop buying shit I don’t want to eat. Unfortunately, that’s easier said than done. 

My Confection

Just finished reading this book, which is a memoir by a sugar addict. I binged ALL day. I ate a whole bag of chips, a few handfuls of chocolates, half a bag of gummies, plus breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I’ve taken less than 2000 steps all day. I also haven’t kept ANY of my resolutions from my last post. 

But then I finished the book. I’d been waiting the whole time for the “happily ever after,” where she beats her addiction and everything is perfect. That moment never came. She still struggles, decades later. She still slips up.  But instead of quitting she keeps going. She starts fresh. She doesn’t let one slip ruin everything. And it gets easier. 

I need that mindset. I’m so black-and-white in my thinking, it’s no wonder I never get anywhere in beating this shit. If I’m not totally starving, I’ve failed and might as well just binge on everything. But I can’t starve all the time. Even when AN was my primary dx, I was still the b/p subtype. So all my plans are fundamentally flawed in that I can’t “go back” to a behavior that I never really had. Something needs to change. 

As soon as I finished reading, I threw out the bag of gummies I was binging on. Honestly I’m so nauseated at the moment that I’m not tempted to go fish them out of the trash (which I’ve totally done, even with things that aren’t in a package 😔), but I’ll put the cat’s litter on top just in case. 

Perhaps it’s time to start cutting sugar out completely. I know I’m an addict; I’ll probably never be able to eat in moderation. But goddamnit I still want to try. So my new plan is to focus on quality. Before eating I need to ask myself if I really want it; if it’s really worth the calories. If I do, I’ll take a portioned-out serving. 

Is this mindful eating? Who knows. All I know is my period has stopped, despite being on the pill (not pregnant, thank god), which is clearly a sign that I’m doing something wrong. I guess the body doesn’t want to reproduce while subsisting in a diet of pure sugar and alcohol. 
Maybe taking my health more seriously will be helpful. Maybe I can at least pretend to give a shit about myself for once. Maybe focusing on health will let my weight go down on its own. Now, to find a new location for my alarm clock. 

Scheming 

So I’m watching a BBC documentary on anorexia, and god I wish I could have that control back. My office has been loaded with candy for the past few weeks and it’s just been triggering binge after binge. But I’m not purging for the most part, so I’m just getting fat and feeling awful about myself. 

I know I’m crazy, and the point of all these documentaries is to show all the bad parts of EDs, but I’d rather have the bad parts that come with being skinny instead of the bad parts that come with being fat. 

So this weekend I’ll eat. I’ll finish up all the shit that’s already in my house, get rested up, and start fresh on Monday. But this time I’m making a plan, beyond just “eat less.” 

I realize that I’ve been not doing my AM workouts because they’re too intense; I don’t have the energy for Insanity at 6am. So I think I’ll go back to using my elliptical at least three times a week, and then I’ll do Insanity on the weekend when I’ve gotten to sleep in. 

I’ve also realized I’m eating way too much for breakfast most days. Although peanut butter is healthy fats, it’s still fat and is very calorically dense, and I eat it basically every day – without measuring 😞. So new breakfast plan is either bran flakes w/ milk (200), eggs (150), or an apple with a measured tablespoon of peanut butter (160).

I’ll probably just make it a rule to not eat at work; if I’m not eating then I can’t binge. If I do eat I’ll get a salad with no dressing (200-300), or have a protein bar (190).

Dinner is up to the mercy of what my husband cooks, unfortunately. It’s usually chicken cooked in olive oil and sautéed vegetables (400) but sometimes he’ll make pasta with turkey meatballs (600) so those days will be no-lunch days. 

The biggest thing I have to do is stop snacking. If I can just do that I should be able to keep it at or under 1000 calories no problem. 

I am aware that this is unhealthy. I am aware that restriction is not conducive to mental recovery. But sometimes I just don’t care. 

Also, why doesn’t the US use the metric system or stones? Those numbers are just so much smaller. 

Pink Elephant. 

I somehow managed to stop focusing on weight and food and exercise and calories for a couple weeks – I was working overtime and think I was just too busy to think about it – and, lo and behold, I got back to 122. But then of course I started thinking about it more and worrying about maintaining that and wishing I could keep going and now I’m right back to obsessing about food and eating junk all the time and I’m afraid when I get on the scale again I’ll be back up five pounds. And like I wish I could just go back to that mindset from a couple weeks ago, but of course it’s like the pink elephant – when you try not to think about it, it’s the first thing to come to mind. Sigh. 

The bigger they are the harder they fall

I’ve been doing well. Like, working out fairly consistently, eating three meals and maybe a snack but all well-balanced, not eating massive amounts of junk, etc. But then yesterday (Friday – I don’t care that it’s technically 1am on Sunday now) I b/p-ed on a whole bag of peanut butter M&Ms at work, and today I just ate junk all day and only actually ate two meals. I also haven’t worked out since Tuesday or Wednesday. So okay two days won’t undo a whole weeks worth of progress right? Except I can already see it. My fingers are puffy, my stomach is bloated, my skin is breaking out, and of course I just feel huge and gross. Sometimes I almost wish I was back in my ED full-blown, like b/p every day multiple times bad, bc then at least then I’d know why I felt like shit, why I was miserable, why I couldn’t stick to a meal plan – I had ED to blame it all on. But now, I’m supposedly in recovery, and I still hate my body, I still want to cry half the time, I still obsess over food and can’t stop eating junk once I start, and I still struggle to wake up every morning. It’s like, what am I fighting so hard to get??