Relapse

My husband has been out half the day so I’ve taken the opportunity to just binge and purge repeatedly. Girl Scout cookies, raw cookie dough, cold Chinese food, ice cream, etc. It wasn’t even pleasurable; it was frantic and hopeless. And I’ve since had soup (129), an apple (80), microwave popcorn (300), and a Snickers (150), which I haven’t purged any of but am certainly thinking about. 

I thought I was done with this, but I guess I can only binge so many days in a row before the need to purge becomes too strong. I need to stop eating junk is what I need to do. I made the stupid decision to buy a bunch of Cadbury cream eggs (160) the other day and had been eating them nonstop for two days prior. Hopefully I’m done for a while. I don’t really have any junk left in the house so as long as I don’t buy any at the store I should be okay. 

But of course now I feel like I need to restrict during the week. I’m certainly not planning on eating lunch, or at least not more than a fruit (80) and a string cheese(80), or maybe a nonfat latte (120). I’m not planning on having the oatmeal that had become routine; I’ll have a light English muffin (100) with maybe a tablespoon of pb (90) and sugar-free jam (10). Hopefully my husband feels like eating healthy this week and we can just have chicken (200) with veg (100-200, depending on the veg) for dinner. 

I just bought some more small-size clothes, so unless I want them to hang in my closet unworn (like half my closet already) I need to lose weight. Max 1200 cal/day until my birthday. Then I’ll be 30 and I’ll really have to commit to cutting the sugar for good if I don’t want to balloon up, so hopefully these next two weeks will help me get on the right track. We’ll see…

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One thought on “Relapse

  1. Hello love, I know exactly how you feel and I want to warn you not to end up in a mental hospital! I’ve been hospitalized three times for my ED and I’ve almost died/was almost put in hospice twice and I’m so much worse now because of it! Not only is my ED crippling, but I’ve developed new mental illnesses too. Now my plan is that once I get free from my parent’s grasp I’m going to fast until I reach my goals. If you need somebody to talk to, I’m here. Hang in there xx

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