My Confection

Just finished reading this book, which is a memoir by a sugar addict. I binged ALL day. I ate a whole bag of chips, a few handfuls of chocolates, half a bag of gummies, plus breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I’ve taken less than 2000 steps all day. I also haven’t kept ANY of my resolutions from my last post. 

But then I finished the book. I’d been waiting the whole time for the “happily ever after,” where she beats her addiction and everything is perfect. That moment never came. She still struggles, decades later. She still slips up.  But instead of quitting she keeps going. She starts fresh. She doesn’t let one slip ruin everything. And it gets easier. 

I need that mindset. I’m so black-and-white in my thinking, it’s no wonder I never get anywhere in beating this shit. If I’m not totally starving, I’ve failed and might as well just binge on everything. But I can’t starve all the time. Even when AN was my primary dx, I was still the b/p subtype. So all my plans are fundamentally flawed in that I can’t “go back” to a behavior that I never really had. Something needs to change. 

As soon as I finished reading, I threw out the bag of gummies I was binging on. Honestly I’m so nauseated at the moment that I’m not tempted to go fish them out of the trash (which I’ve totally done, even with things that aren’t in a package 😔), but I’ll put the cat’s litter on top just in case. 

Perhaps it’s time to start cutting sugar out completely. I know I’m an addict; I’ll probably never be able to eat in moderation. But goddamnit I still want to try. So my new plan is to focus on quality. Before eating I need to ask myself if I really want it; if it’s really worth the calories. If I do, I’ll take a portioned-out serving. 

Is this mindful eating? Who knows. All I know is my period has stopped, despite being on the pill (not pregnant, thank god), which is clearly a sign that I’m doing something wrong. I guess the body doesn’t want to reproduce while subsisting in a diet of pure sugar and alcohol. 
Maybe taking my health more seriously will be helpful. Maybe I can at least pretend to give a shit about myself for once. Maybe focusing on health will let my weight go down on its own. Now, to find a new location for my alarm clock. 

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