Scheming 

So I’m watching a BBC documentary on anorexia, and god I wish I could have that control back. My office has been loaded with candy for the past few weeks and it’s just been triggering binge after binge. But I’m not purging for the most part, so I’m just getting fat and feeling awful about myself. 

I know I’m crazy, and the point of all these documentaries is to show all the bad parts of EDs, but I’d rather have the bad parts that come with being skinny instead of the bad parts that come with being fat. 

So this weekend I’ll eat. I’ll finish up all the shit that’s already in my house, get rested up, and start fresh on Monday. But this time I’m making a plan, beyond just “eat less.” 

I realize that I’ve been not doing my AM workouts because they’re too intense; I don’t have the energy for Insanity at 6am. So I think I’ll go back to using my elliptical at least three times a week, and then I’ll do Insanity on the weekend when I’ve gotten to sleep in. 

I’ve also realized I’m eating way too much for breakfast most days. Although peanut butter is healthy fats, it’s still fat and is very calorically dense, and I eat it basically every day – without measuring 😞. So new breakfast plan is either bran flakes w/ milk (200), eggs (150), or an apple with a measured tablespoon of peanut butter (160).

I’ll probably just make it a rule to not eat at work; if I’m not eating then I can’t binge. If I do eat I’ll get a salad with no dressing (200-300), or have a protein bar (190).

Dinner is up to the mercy of what my husband cooks, unfortunately. It’s usually chicken cooked in olive oil and sautéed vegetables (400) but sometimes he’ll make pasta with turkey meatballs (600) so those days will be no-lunch days. 

The biggest thing I have to do is stop snacking. If I can just do that I should be able to keep it at or under 1000 calories no problem. 

I am aware that this is unhealthy. I am aware that restriction is not conducive to mental recovery. But sometimes I just don’t care. 

Also, why doesn’t the US use the metric system or stones? Those numbers are just so much smaller. 

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