I distinctly remamber sitting in a therapist’s office six years ago telling her if I could just get back down to 127lbs I think that would be perfect. I also remember being in my college dorm room 10 years ago (Jesus I’m old) seeing the scale hit 120lbs and being absolutely horrified at how fat I’d gotten. I remember when this all started 12 years ago; I’d hit 124lbs after losing some weight just due to general busyness and thought I looked fucking amazing. I remember when the scale got stuck at 111lbs and I cried because I thought I’d never get to be skinny.
Now I’m 127lbs and I feel like a fat slob. I think 124lbs would be okay but I’d really like to get back to 120lbs. I see old pics of myself st 110lbs and am able to acknowledge that maybe I was a little thin and at any rate that isn’t a sustainable weight for me long-term. I wonder what 17-year old me would think of me now. I know 19-year old me would think I was huge, and 22-year old me would think I was skinny. And of course 27-year old me would just wonder and despair at what happened, how I got stuck at this higher weight after remaining exactly 122lbs for the last four years.
I wish I could go back to that 16/17-year old mindset, where I rarely thought about calories, was active because it was fun rather than to burn off my food, and always thought I looked hot and obviously everyone wished they could fuck me. I wish I wasn’t so fixated on a number, didn’t care about buying a larger size, didn’t let my entire mood be dictated by how flat or not my stomach was. It almost doesn’t even matter that I rarely purge anymore; I’m still just as miserable as when I was b/p-ing 10 times a day. To all those who have supposedly recovered completely, how did you get past this mental shit??