So after a week of binging (and some purging), I’m planning a healthy diet plan again. I’ve heard good things about South Beach but I honestly feel like the amount of food will be too much for me to feel comfortable. But it did make me think – I never realized how many carbs I eat; no wonder I’m always hungry and getting fat. So if I eat eggs and coffee for breakfast, that’s less than 1g. Then Diet Coke for lunch is less than 1g there. So even if my husband makes rice (39-43g) or potatoes (26g) with dinner (which is almost always chicken and veg, so low carb for the rest), I can still stay under 50g; I think that’s going to be my goal. And supposedly eating more protein and less carbs will make me less hungry so maybe it will help stop the obsessive good thoughts as well. We’ll see. I’m trying not to get my hopes up; every time I get excited about a new diet plan I blow it within days. I just feel so disgusted with myself – I’ve gained 10lbs since my wedding eight months ago; this is completely unacceptable. I can’t let myself get fat again. I CAN’T. If my weight hits 130lbs I’m ordering clenbuterol; it will make me feel shitty and fuck with my heart, but at least I know it works fast if I don’t binge. God, I feel like I’m back where I was 10 years ago when the bulimia really started taking over, except now it’s worse bc I’m trying not to purge so I’m just gaining super fast. Ugh I hate myself.