After two nights of binging, I finally gave in this morning and b/p-ed. Just woke up and started eating, then purged, then ate more, then purged again. And now I’m eaten by again, but my husband will be home soon so I can’t purge. I just feel like such a failure. I want to cry and give up. All I can think of is when I first made get transition from anorexia to bulimia and I just felt so helpless, like I’ll never be thin again. That’s how I feel now. Last time it lead to a downward spiral of drugs and all sorts of desperate measures to lose the weight. I don’t want to go down that path again, but I have to get this weight off. I am so uncomfortable in my skin right now; it’s making me want to wear nothing by sweatpants and sweatshirts and isolate as much as possible. And since that’s not an option – my husband keeps dragging me out, and I have to wear nice clothes to work and most functions – I just feel so disgusting and like everything must be judging me. I have to go find a dress for tonight that will hide my fat. 

2 thoughts on “Fail

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