Sometimes I wonder if, on some subconscious level, I don’t really want to recover. ED has been part of my identity for so long – almost 11 years at this point – it’s like I don’t know how to live without it. What would I do if I couldn’t use food for comfort and restriction for feeling in control? What would I do if I couldn’t ever purge when feeling completely overwhelmed? Would I just break down completely? And then if I failed at whatever, and I didn’t have a disorder, they would mean that it was just ME that’s a failure.
I started out this month with a plan to get back on the healthy-eating and exercise bandwagon. Today is the 2nd and I’ve already binged. I wasn’t even really restricting – I didn’t let myself completely skip lunch even tho I wanted to – so it’s not like I had to make up for some huge caloric deficit. I binged like crazy all weekend, ate three meals yesterday, and then today ate three meals plus about 1500 calories worth of snacks. I’ve also slept through my workout alarm both mornings.
I sabotage myself. I can’t do this anymore. Every time I try I fail and then I just hate myself more. But when I stop trying and get fatter that only makes it worse. So I’m damned if I do (fail), damned if I don’t (try).