I wonder what it’s like to not have anxiety every time I eat. I wonder what it’s like to not need to purge after exceeding my calorie limit for the day. I wonder what it’s like to not be be crawling out of my skin if I don’t meet my steps goal for the day. I wonder what it’s like to be able to have junk food in the house without feeling the need to binge on it.
I am never comfortable just being. I can’t just sit with my fullness or accept that some days I’ll eat more than others. I never am able to really congratulate myself on the days I successfully restrict, but beating myself up every time I go over 800 cals for the day is second nature.
I don’t remember what it’s like to not worry about weight, calories, fat, etc. I’ve been dealing with this shit for a fucking decade and what has it gotten me? I don’t feel better about myself. I’m not some supermodel everyone’s oohing and ahhing over. I don’t get any sort of attention. I’m just an average person doing average things and no one cares. No one notices my struggle except me.
I’ll never get better, but I cant bear the thought of continuing like this forever.