I wonder what it’s like to not have anxiety every time I eat. I wonder what it’s like to not need to purge after exceeding my calorie limit for the day. I wonder what it’s like to not be be crawling out of my skin if I don’t meet my steps goal for the day. I wonder what it’s like to be able to have junk food in the house without feeling the need to binge on it. 

I am never comfortable just being. I can’t just sit with my fullness or accept that some days I’ll eat more than others. I never am able to really congratulate myself on the days I successfully restrict, but beating myself up every time I go over 800 cals for the day is second nature. 

I don’t remember what it’s like to not worry about weight, calories, fat, etc. I’ve been dealing with this shit for a fucking decade and what has it gotten me? I don’t feel better about myself. I’m not some supermodel everyone’s oohing and ahhing over. I don’t get any sort of attention. I’m just an average person doing average things and no one cares. No one notices my struggle except me. 

I’ll never get better, but I cant bear the thought of continuing like this forever. 


3 thoughts on “Anxiety 

  1. Thanks for posting this. I’m very familiar with the not ‘just being’ it took a lot of practice to be able to be ok with this. It did get better though. If you don’t mind me asking where are you at with eating? As in are you restricting/binging? I only ask because I know how hard it is having food in the house and I’d like to give you advice. If you would rather private message me that’s fine 🙂



    1. I’m currently alternating between restricting and binging; I’ve mostly stopped purging. My shrink of course says it’s the restriction that leads to the binge, but I binge on days where I eat “normally” too – send then am even more likely to restrict to try to undo the damage 😦

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yea that are right. Restriction makes your mind panic and you end up binging. Sometimes eating normally can trigger the binging but you need to eat ‘normally’ everyday for a while until your mind trusts you again. One slip and missing one meal is all
        It takes to trigger a binge. It’s good you sent purging though x


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