I have way too much going on right now. ED is my escape. When I’m buried with work, starving makes me feel calm and in control. When I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing, I fall back into the familiar routine of binge and purge. When I feel like things are out of control, I become very regimented with eating and exercise. 

I know all this. I know there are better ways to cope. I know I could probably focus better at work if I wasn’t starving. I know I’d be able to figure things out and get shit done if I wasn’t spending so much time binging and purging. And I know I’d feel more in control of I wasn’t letting ED control me. 

I know all this, but I can’t let go. It’s like a security blanket – when everything else is crazy and overwhelming, I can just focus on food and weight. 

I’d say I need a therapist but I don’t think I can handle having one more thing I need to do each week. 

It’s supposed to snow in the morning; I have four alarms set for my run. 


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